Depression in late pg-this is not fair :(

Hi ladies

Well I was hoping I would never have to post in this thread, but looks like here I am.  As a few of you might know, I've not had a great pg....apart from quite severe ms, the whole thing has been terribly stressful, which I'm gutted about. This is my first-and much longed for- baby, and I'm so sad it's turned out to not be the happy experience I thought it would be.

Most of the problems are related to our life cirumstances....i.e a few days after I found out we were finally pg (after a couple of m/c's), my grandad died...and then a few days later, my brother in law as well (totally unexpected). 2 deaths and a pg in less than a week was horrid, but that was just the beginning.

It's a massively complicated story- one of which some of you may well know-  however, in a nutshell, since the start of my pg and the loss of our loved ones, I have struggled more and more with bonding not only with my bump, but with the foster son we are raising. It was his biological dad who died, but we were looking after him already as the childs bio parents have been totally unsuitable and unable to raise this poor kid since his birth. So my DP has raised him, and I kind of took on the mothering role by osmosis when DP and I got together (it's not actually that simple....it was never part of the plan, but anyway that's how it's turned out).

A few months before BIL died, DP got a new job which pays better but is loooong hours...about 70 a week.  I work p/t and study p/t at uni. It's absolutely gone down hill since DP has been away from home for so long. Although he has tried to help, I have essentially been left to care for a child who I didn't really overly want to begin with and just cannot bond with.  I look after him well I think...but the emotion is not there for me at all and I worry so much about that. The situation is made worse by that fact that BIL's death left behind another child...this time a 2 year old who is currently being looked after by her Nana but whom everybody wants 'us' to take. US means ME though..and I want to enjoy my own baby!  There's been no overt pressure but Nana is very elderly so is logically not gonna be able to care for a baby forever and they absolutely won't hear of putting her up for open adoption.

Added to this the stress of being alone on my own with a child who is not mine, who is a lovely kid but def has a few issues, and the job market being such that DP would be hard pressed to find another job that would feed us as he is less skilled than I (I don't mean that in a horrible way...but he has a very limited number of jobs he can do and this one pays well and he enjoys it despite the long hours). There are also 2 other children from his previous r'ship, however they are lwo on the list of problems...although his ex is pretty interesting! 

So that's my problem in a nutshell. I broke down last week to my mw, and she has been fantastic. She got me to fill out a depression/stress test and my marks were high enough to get her to refer me to maternal mental health for councelling...which I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed of as it clearly shows I'm not coping (which I totally knew and have been saying to DP for about 6 months). But still. Also, mw is actively looking to ge tme some practical help for our foster son before bubba arrives and after she is born. This has been worrying me as I don't know how I'll manage with no family nearby and us in a new suburb (we moved about 3 weeks after the deaths...that was preplanned and couldn't be changed).

I just need some support and how to learn to love this foster child, or even like him would be a start. It's not his fault, but it's also not mine. I know that probably sounds childish. But it's how I feel.....like, I've been left to tidy up a great big mess that nobody else wants to deal with, just because I am a 'capable' type of person. Well turns out I'm not that capable while Im pg, and I'm so scared of getting PND after baby is born.  I have thought often of leaving DP, not because I don't love him- I do very much- but because the situation is so so stressful and complicated. And now I'm pg, I think it's so unfair to leave our daughter without a father...I do NOT want to be a solo mum...we planned and both wanted this baby and it's just so damned unfair that life has thrown us (ME) these curveballs.

People keep saying to me how amazing I am looking after this kid and even the paedeatric social worker my mw spoke to reacted like 'OMG how is she coping in THAT situation? How stressful!'..... and I imagine a social worker has seen it all!

DP's family is mildly grateful for what I'm doing but they're all very stoic types and get on with the job type people..which I usually am too, however my baby and my grief has been overlooked by them in all of this. And I certainly don't feel amazing doing what I'm doing. I feel like sh*t, and quite frankly probably wouldn't care if foster son was rehomed to parents who could give him the love I can't as it would be better for him and better for me. I have nothing left to give anyone (I don't mean that in a suicidal way at all....just in an empty tank kind of way IYKWIM?!).  I want to enjoy our daugher when she comes alog, and I know DP is so looking forward to having her, as are the stepkids....but it's all so overwhelming for me.

Sigh.

Thanks for the support guys.  It's been a pretty bad week actually. I have days when FS and I get on ok, as in I feel more bonded with him- but most of the time I just think how rude and ungrateful and needy he is. I know I'm terrible but he is very trying.  Like yesterday, I organised Easter Bunny to visit him in the night and he responds by waking up about 5am singing loudly for attention (which he knows he's not allowed to do), gets told off by his Dad but then starts up again not long after when I tell him off. I try to get a lie in while DP takes him downstairs to watch cartoons and eat one of his chocolate eggs for breakfast- TOTAL change of the normal rountine- and he's so excited and telling DP about easter bunny etc and then when I go down an hour later I barely get a good morning from him, he's so busy watching stupid mindless tv and eating chocolate (that I organised btw!). And his whole manner is just one of not being thrilled to see me and annoyed that I'm there.

He's only ever interested in me and what I have to offer if noone else is around and quite frankly I'm sick of it. It's not fair (I know I sound like a child now!), and I do 99% of the care, planning and attention for this child and am getting F*** all in return from him. I really really feel like giving up. If he thinks he can get better elsewhere (esp with his drug addict of a mother) then maybe he should go and find out how good his life is now.