Fighting/arguing in front of children

Growing up my Mum and Step Dad fought a lot and would often pull us kids into it to "take sides", it was awful and I swear never to bring my children in to any disagreement.

However, I do feel that a healthy disagreement or debate is good for children to experience, as long as it can be kept civil. The problem is, how do you know it will stay that way. I guess the only thing you can do of it does start to head in a downward manner, is to decide to continue it later, if both parties are able.

I also grew up with a lot of arguing from my parents, it was awful and I swore I would never, ever put my children through that.

Though like MamaT, I don't see a bit of debate as a bad thing. DH and I very rarely fight and if we do bicker it's about minor things and nothing that I feel we need to hide away from our kids. If I thought it was getting too much I'd certainly put it on hold until the kids are in bed which would probably help to minimise the arguement anyway. If you have to wait an hour to argue, chances are you've both calmed down and it wouldn't be so heated

Just to buck the trend, I grew up without much arguing at all. Mum and Dad got on pretty well most of the time, and I think the odd argument that we did see was probably did us more good than harm - like you say, helped establish that people didn't always agree all the time and how to work things out in a grown-up way and all. I think I'd rather like to replicate that, if I can.

Edited by Hopes

My parents fought a lot. Never got violent or anything but they didnt have a good marriage.

Me and hubby we can argue, shout, me throw a hissy fit, be quiet. (all that immature things you can do) but it happen so little anyway.

In saying that we can have small disagreements quite often.

Personally I think it is good for our kids to see. But if they see that they need to see someone or both apologize, making up and seeing them happy afterwards. That is life and that is what they need to be exposed to.

It is not natural to just see the arguments and it is also not right to see just happy people with no arguments.

And violence? Seriously not allowed. The most violent we get is a door might get slammed but no violence whatso ever directed at people. I dont care if you apologize afterwards nothing makes that right.

Nice to hear others feedback and perspectives. Thanks!

DP and I argue occasionally, never violent, just raised voices and that sometimes happens in front of DS. He also sees us joking with each other, cuddling and happy too, so I guess it's about maintaining the right balance.

I guess coming from the background I do, I assumed that any fighting could potentially be damaging, but I agree that it's good for children to see how to disagree in a healthy, appropriate manner.

I think so much depends on culture too - as in, your family's personal culture. Because while Mum and dad hardly ever argued in front of us, they're not a particularly openly affectionate couple either. I can honestly say I've never seen them kiss other than a peck on the cheek. And while you could argue that that would be a dreaful environment to grow up in, I'm pretty confident I've come out well-adjusted, and have a happy loving marriage. I will admit I'm not much into public displays of affection, but that's obviously a bit of a personal thing as my sister (with the same upbringing) is sickening with her DH .

So arguing might be a bit similar - if the marriage is happy and well-functioning underneath, it might not hurt kids to see some passionate spats, and conversely if a marriage isn't working, you probably won't hide it from the kids even if you dont' openly yell at each other in front of them. Just my random thoughts

Edited by Hopes

Wow Hopes you and I had a very similar upbringing lol. I don't think I've EVER seen my parents fight but I've never seen them be affectionate either :(

It is all about balance. DH and I certainly never scream at each other. In front of the kids or not. But we do have our disagreements. As long as it's nothing really serious I have no problem with the kids over hearing. Debate is a part of life as is compromise and I think both are important to learn. DH and I also kiss and cuddle all the time so they certainly see more affection than arguments.