Problems with the Grandmother

I don't want to sound extremely nasty but as breifly as I can I'll explain my situation and if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate sifting through all of it for helpful solutions.

I'm 28 this month, with a 9 month old. I'm in an odd sort of really not working kind of relationship with a 25 year old. I try to work a full 40 hour week from home to pay for everything, whilst remaining a full time mum.

I appreciate everything my mother does to help - by visiting and entertaining madam while i rush around cleaning the whole house, taking her for walks etc, doing the general sort of things you think grandmothers like to do to spend time with their grandchild.

Here lies the problem. Lately - I've found myself bursting into tears because i feel like i've completely lost control of everything. We have argued in the past and even had a mediation session with my youngest sister as mediator trying to explain to my mother that i am old enough to raise a child, make mistakes and learn from them with her etc etc.

[I think because i'm still very bitter about the fact that because madam was born early by c-sect, and in the 30 hour gap between birth and when i first got to meet her in NICU - mine & my partners entire family had somehow managed to get in there to meet her and touch her first, but half of them had no time to visit me on the next floor up. I cannot seem to overcome my anger about feeling ripped off with that entire experience.]

I'm always being treated like a 16 year old with a child. Mum has advice on everything, she has started calling me a "roughneck" infront of my daughter because i take (not snatch or grab) things like car keys and the like away from her (as i dont think they are suitable toys for her to have in her mouth). I try my hardest not to even argue with my mother about things to do with baby anymore because i've given up dealing with her mood after we disagree on something.

Everytime Im with mum - I hear a new story or have a new experience that really makes me furious. Last week she was given peanut slab to eat, and mum had to fish a peanut out of her mouth, chocolate coated biscuits, chips, roses chocolates, it never ends the things i hear she's "had fun eating". today we went to botany for lunch and baby got to munch down mcdonalds chips and i just sat and ate in silence, scared that what i say will start an argument or the "silent treatment", and angry that it doesn't matter how many times i just told her not to give her that she did it anyway. Its now 2.30pm and we've had one feed today because mum decided to wear her out playing instead of concentrating on the bottle.

I decided to buy bigger bottles because i have 125ml ones and baby is now drinking 150ml, but i get a full criticism of what on earth i am thinking infront of the shopkeepers and other shoppers. I have a $700 cot that my mother refuses to put the baby in because she doesn't want to bend over that far so instead everytime she leaves my house i have a baby asleep in the middle of my bed - not on her monitor, and that i feel obliged to sit and watch sleep because she can roll too well to be on the bed alone.

My baby is in a car seat with the belts at the incorrect height over the shoulders because my mother insisted i put them there. She has had pumpkin for lunch every day for the last 4 months because my mother keeps cooking it up and bringing it over and i feel obliged to use what she's put her effort into making for us despite the fact that a variety of foods for lunch would prolly do bubba alot more good. I'm sick of my mum telling my friends she's like a second mum to baby, or telling me that she's more of a father to baby than her dad is. I'm so worried that if this continues i'm going to have massive problems in 6 months time.

I could honestly write pages of examples of the constant criticisms / advice (if thats what you call it), that i put up with. My mother visits/ shows up every day of the week - sometimes even twice a day lately, always unnanounced (unless we've recently argued) and i feel like i've lost control of absolutely everything and anything to do with being a mother. I feel completely ripped off and I feel like i have no one to turn to, but it's getting ridiculous when i come home and burst into tears about it.

Routines, rules, the way i'd like to parent, decisions i should be able to make as a parent, what time of the day i want to take my daughter for a walk......

Does anyone have anything similar or any advice. I just find that no matter how many times i say "NO", and "Because i'm her mother and I will decide" I need a different tact - something that might actually make my mum take a step back and think for a minute how insulting it is. I'm really starting to fear that one day my little baby is going to be a little girl who sits with Grandma picking on her mummy.

Yeah I think a break from her for a few weeks would be best. Explain you need to forge a relationship with your daughter and really learn how to be a mum on your own. Let her know that her help has been fantastic but you really have to figure it out sooner or later.

Then just spend a few weeks getting to know your baby and your routines for yourself. DON'T worry about the housework etc.

you're not nasty at all. In fact you sound like you're being far too nice. Older generations don't understand that practices have changed and I definitely am with you about the chocolates etc.

Come and visit us on the Dec thread

to you it doesnt sound like much fun.
yer i agree with weegee and telling your mum you need a break and trying to get her to back off.

Oh, I just feel so mean asking her to leave us alone for a few weeks.

Peanut, It does sound like you are in the same boat. "my little princess". She calls herself "nani" - which sounds awfully like mummy. I don't even know where that word came from but she refuses to be called nana or grandma.

She's got this thing where when she's holding baby she will always turn her back to me and walk off when i lean in for a kiss or a smile or to talk to bubba.   

I've had several comments - and been given "Options" when i found out i was pregnant second time around about how she could take baby and i can raise my second. I don't know what she's thinking but it scares me what wonderful things i'm going to get told next!

I am sorry to hear that things are so hard for you with your Mum.

Firstly, would some sort of counselling regarding the separation after the c section help? I can totally understand your hurt about no one visiting you, I would feel the same.

Do you need your Mum's help with your daughter? And how much of a relationship or type do you want with your mum? Your answers would dictate whether you follow what I suggest.
Maybe you could decide on what ground rules you want to set with your Mum i.e. baby is always to be put in the cot, you are the Mum and set the routine, make the decisions etc. Maybe even write them down and give a copy to your Mum when you sit down to discuss them with her. Tell her that these are your rules and if your Mum wants to spend time with your daugther then she is to abide by the rules or leave. If she breaks the rules then ask her to leave the house and come back when she is ready to abide by your wishes. This could be hard if she decides not to abide by them so you need to decide if you are willing to risk your relationship with your Mum.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do

It's not so much that i need my mum to help with baby. I manage to work when she's asleep and into all hours at night when she goes down for her big sleep. Mum will come and take her for a day during the week or weekend if i'm really behind... but only because i can't rely on my partner to take care of her properly - he's too busy with his playstation.

Unfortunately mum has no family - they all died when she was very young. She's spoken about how she had no idea what she was doing when i was born but she had her turn and now its my turn. I don't want to hurt her because she nagged for a grandchild for years, but all this is doing is hurting me.

I'm sposd to be getting a counselling number from Family Start, so hopefully that might help. I just figured i can't be the only person going through this. There must have been someone out there who had it and found a way to fix it!

Perhaps you could ask your mum to take a step back at the same time as getting your partner to help out more. That way you can say to your mum "hey it's great you have helped so much but ? is going to be doing a lot more of the care now. Why don't you pop round on Monday afternoon and all three of us can go for a walk" or something to that effect.
With the pumpkin "great i'll stick that in the freezer will be handy when I haven't had time to make something myself".
Failing the nicer approach I would just tell her out right, "get out of my face, this is my child not yours" If nothing else it will probably stop her from turning up univited for a few days/weeks.

Other things you could think about would be daycare to take the load off, or join a playgroup and just tell your mum she can't go with you etc.

I find with my DH he still needs to be told what Spencer needs and when, if I am going to be more than a few hours, and I honestly have lost count of the number of times I have had to explain the morning routine to him whilst I am in bed supposedly having my lie in.
But he does do a good job on the whole, it's just he takes the back seat a lot unless I push him or am not here so your partner might suprise you if you give him the responsibility. Also you may have to write your routine down for him, the first full day I did at work I wrote Spencer's full routine out and I prepared his meals and just wrote which colour bowl to give at each meal so DH wouldnt' try and give him veges for breakfast and porridge for lunch

First of all you are the mummy. You need to remember that and from the sounds of it you are a great mum but at the same time you are too much of a little girl when your mum is around. (not trying to sound mean here or anything).

When I had my girl I was gutted when I had a c-section and was totally out and that Grant (my DH) was the one to get to hold her and be there for her first cry. We also decided to move countries (McKayla was only 6 weeks old then) and MIL thought it really important for us to be at her house every weekend. She had everything planned. Before I was pregnant her plan was that I can go out and work. Baby can stay with her during week and we can pick up our own child over weekends.

When she realised that I wasnt going to work she didnt wanted me to breastfeed so she can bottle feed the baby and I can leave her over with her some days.

I missed my own childs first official meal as such. Had emergency opp and still drugged up and in real pain and she decided it was time. So they gave it to her and she had about 3 bowls full before I told them enough. Sometimes I felt like I was a great mum but just now when she was around as I just didnt wanted to fight but at the same time I started getting really tired of it and really just had enough.

I eventually just started stepping in and saying this is the way I parent and I will ask for help when I need it.

You need to start standing up to her. Take the chips for instance. If you dont want her to have it then dont let her have it. If you want her to have some unhealthy snacks but not that much put a limit on it. Say for instance only this paticular snacks and only so many times a week. Perhaps put some in a container in your cupboard and let your mum know about it.

With the cot. Put her in the cot and tell your mum now that she is so mobile we will have to start putting her in the cot as she is rolling around and will fall off. You are always going to have a bit of disagreements with how you raise your child. From your mum, friends and even strangers. But you have to feel comfortable with what you are doing and that you are doing the best for your kiddie and eventually they will catch on with that.

off topic but that's interesting as I've never heard of "grandy' before either but my father just told me that's what he wants to be called.

Thats some really good advice. I tried having a chat with my mum tonight when she popped over again but it only ended in another argument.

God it hurts to hear "it doesn't matter how you feel" as an answer to everything.

I think i may just generally have developed depression and i'm subconsciously fighting it off.

Whilst the advice about trying to encourage Dustin to be a proactive father is good advice - it's all tried and none of it has worked. I've actually asked him several times to leave, have tried issuing him with a rent notice to leave, rung the police to try and have him removed (three times they couldnt help me). He's one of those boys that ive caught texting girls, showers with his cell phone & will drop everything and throw a huge fit if i so much as touch it and run off with it, found slips of paper with escorts phone numbers and prices on, on online dating sites - it goes on and on since i first found out i was pregnant to this day. I'm actually pretty sure the reason baby was born 2 months early was the stress i was under after i discovered my 'boyfriend' of 2+ years had a wife he married for nz residency. I've begged him to do something about removing the tattoo on his arm with his wife's name on it before our daughter learns to read and i have to hear "mummy what's on daddy's arm, who's victoria?" but all i ever get is silent treatment. I dread what will happen to my dream of raising a child in a perfect carefree environment if things don't change. He refused to come see a counsellor with me but when im really honest with myself i know we aren't working anyway. I can't actually remember the last time i heard "sorry" or even had a hug from him. He sleeps on my couch i recently bought and i've developed this disgust of waking up every morning seeing him asleep like a bum on it. Everyday sentences i find myself repeating have started to make me fire up when i find myself saying it over and over again - like "can you get up and move so i can sit down and feed baby her breakfast". 5 out of 7 nights a week when i get up to feed baby at 4.30am - i have to turn the tv off while he sleeps infront of it, i'm sick of the $300 power bill every month. I want to put scissors through the power cord but i'm afraid of what might happen.

In the meantime - while he works a full time job - his rent has been late every month and he doesn't realise that when he hasn't paid it for 3 weeks in a row or when it's late (because he will show up with $200 worth of dvd's or a new $130 playstation game) - someone has to cover his share and with the $2.64 in my bank account today i dont even have money to buy milk and sugar and bread at the moment, and while baby has everything she needs because she always comes first - i'm starving most nights. I'm tired of looking through an empty pantry and fridge wondering what kind of strange meal i can concoct out of whats in there.

I've been living off weetbix, sultana bran and toast for weeks now. I'm tired of working so hard all day and night only to end up with an empty bank account all the time. He still hasn't paid me the rent he owes from January, Feb and March. I'm constantly stressed out from one thing to another.

I feel like i've become a grumpy, moaning peer to my friends. I can't figure out if i love the guy or not, but then you see him have giggles with baby and i feel bad for wanting him out. At the same time - when he has made me so angry (most nights) that i want him out so my life has half a chance at being happy and peaceful - he just won't go. As long as he has his housekey hidden somewhere - I have no control over what time he sneaks back into the house. His family pretty much pretend he doesn't exist, but will help him pay for bits and pieces for his car, and i feel like i'm the laughing stock. I've was dumb enough to let him have a vodafone account under my name and he hasn't got a cent to give me to pay off the $1000 he racked up before i cancelled the account and it went on my baycorp list.

I'd move out if i could - but my name is the one on the lease. I've never felt so trapped and out of control of my own life before.

Sorry that i ramble.
I guess this is why i'm off to see a counsellor really.