Family dramas and "daddy issues"

Aaawww ((hugs)) hun. Sounds like we have the same father in many ways

Well I guess it comes down to which is the stronger emotion for you- to have him in your and DD lives while he's still around or the avoidence of wanting to talk to him and address the ongoing feud you have. Neither answer is right- its how you feel. And I TOTALLY understand the desire to NOT talk things through. Sometimes there's not much people can add to situations like that and rehashing it makes it worse IMO and brings up old feelings etc...yuck

If you think you could manage the talk with a support person like DP then I would do that BUT if that is not an option then perhaps you could keep him at bay for a bit by just never getting aournd to doing The Talk iykwim but keep seeing him at the social situations you need to etc if that makes sense? You might find after seeing him again IRL after these years that he's not as scary or irritating as before. I do know what you mean, I avoid my father like the plague but when I DO see him, all the tension and anxiety I build up in my head turns out to be rather delusional and he's really not that bad (in small doses).

As for keeping family relations, well 'm the wrong person to advise really cos I *don't* think blood is thicker than water. I think you can't pick your rellies and sometimes you just end up with people you don't like and have nothing in common with. How you choose to include them in your life is YOUR decison as an adult and a parent. It's not an easy one to make but not many are lol. Personally, I keep people out of my life who are emotional blackmailers, liars, angry and bitter...etc....and if they happen to be related then, meh. *shrugs*.

If you talk it over, will he be expecting you to take all the blame? Or will it just be him telling you why you were wrong?

I don't have a relative like this, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but if he's said he'd cut you and DD out of his life if you don't talk to him about the issues - then I think he's not worth being in your or DDs life. Plus, it would be awful for her to get attached and then him to pull back again :(

Such a tough situation!

He sounds a bit like my grandmother... she has, on multiple occasions, threatened to cut my sister and/or I out of her will simply because we dont do what she wants, and how she wants etc... luckily she lives on a whole 'nother island to us, so its easy for us to avoid her entirely. Last time I saw her was a year ago for my sisters wedding, but i didnt say a word (theres a rather large pool of water under that bridge that means I'd rather she cut me out of her life if she really wanted as I refuse to talk to her, but she'd also lose out on knowing anything about her great-granddaughter if she did) but I was also a tad spiteful and went out of my way to make sure my granddad got to have a cuddle (Jae was almost 4 months old at that stage) and blew him off when he asked to take her back to my grandmother.

At the end of the day you need to weigh up whats more important... ignoring the 'elephant' in the room to maintain a civil relationship for whatever life he may have left, or having the chance to hash it out and say whats been left unsaid, and maybe even clear the air before his time is up.

Personally I'm more of the former, I HATE confrontation, and will go to great lengths to avoid bringing up old dirt.... My mother and I do ok now (we've never had much of a relationship), but if I tried to bring up past issues it could get rather messy, and at the end of the day she IS my mother, and theres still that child in me wanting her to LIKE me... so I keep my mouth shut. Plus shes the only grandmother my DD and this baby will have (my father, and DPs motyher are both deceased), and I dont want them missing out on whatever kind of relationship they might have.

Sorry, that prob doesnt help, just wanted to add my perspective on a similar story

Thanks for all the replies so far! I wasn't quite expecting such a supportive response, I am really relieved to hear that people are in similar situations, and that my not wanting to talk about it and just move on isn't uncommon or unreasonable.

It is not that I don't want to talk about what happened. I am just 110% certain that nothing good will come of it, and if anything it will just make things worse. All it will be is him telling me how he is the hero and how none of it is his fault, and I will meekly try and defend myself until I remember there is no point and giving up. It will end with him being angry and righteous - more proof that I am a bad person and a bad daughter, and that it is all my fault and he is such a hero because he has tried "so hard" to get things back on track.

In the middle of our three year feud, just after I found out I was prgnant (unplanned, so I was in a really, really bad space), he did call me on the phone. He said some nice things, like "we still love you and we are here for you if you need us", though to me the words were hollow and fake. This brief conversation ended with him getting mad with me. He asked me if I was still not going to talk to him, and I said yeah probably. He asked me what I wanted from him in order for me to want to have him back in my life, and I said I wanted him to take some responsibility about what happened, that it took two people to not talk to each other. That I know I did some things I could have done better, but that I wanted him to acknowledge that he had done something wrong too. He acknowledged what I said then ended the conversation.

He is so caught up in his own world, with his own stories and assumptions and reasoning for acting the way he is. A lot of you have said already that he is the way he is, and it is me who needs to change to accept that. I totally agree, and have talked to my half sister about this extensively as she too has unresolved issues with him that she has tried to resolve, but he just shuts her out or even denies they ever happened. She has had to make peace with herself, and accept that she will never get the closure or the explanation she so badly wants, because she values having him in her life and in her children's life. Though she often says that when she starts to think about dad and all the things he has done to her, that she gets really angry and wants to shut him out of her life too!

To be honest, I feel I could quite happily not have him in my life. I haven't for the last three years with no regrets and no second guessing. I do wonder how I will feel when he does pass away. Will I regret not letting him back in to my life again? Will I feel like I should have done more to heal our relationship? I don't know, I don't think I will know until it happens. But you always hear of people who regret not being closer to people who have died, especially close family. I don't like him as a person. I don't love him as my father. I appreciate and respect that he did what he thought was best with me when I was a kid, and I can see myself in him in many ways, but I don't actually have any desire to have him in my life right now. He is a negative person and he brings negative feelings into my life - if he weren't so closely related to me this wouldn't be an issue, he would be out! I just worry that because he IS my dad, he DID raise me and have a huge part in who I am today. I did once love him and think the sun shone out his bum.

Sigh. Sorry for another rant! I had planned to reply to some specific points in people's posts so far but kinda got sidetracked with the ranting... will try again later!

I have a very difficult relationship with my father too.

I would say, sit down with him with a support person and see if you can discuss it. It is the most mature and reasonable way of dealing with an issue and TBH I think he is showing you a lot of respect to be willing to discuss it with you. However - I don't think much of his ultimatum.

What you really have to decide is whether he is harmful to you in some way - whether you can rise above it and be civil to him and he to you and just get on with it - or whether he has a really bad effect on your life. For instance, if he's abusive in the way that he speaks to you, puts you down or disrespectful or makes you feel bad about yourself etc.

If you can manage to set boundaries with him that protect you and your children, then see if you can resolve your rift at least as best you can. But if he is really hurtful to you, then sometimes it's better not to have people like that in our lives.