New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Partner wants to have a baby but I don't
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login


Forum LockedPartner wants to have a baby but I don't

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
SouthKiwi View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 November 2012
Points: 857
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SouthKiwi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Partner wants to have a baby but I don't
    Posted: 27 November 2012 at 1:57pm
Hello everyone! Im new here so trying to find my way around this.
I was wondering if someone could give me some advice?
Here is my story:
My partner and I (engaged) have been together for 5 years. We are 28 years old.
We were talking the other night and he confessed to me that having a baby would be the best thing it could happen to him. I never wanted to have kids and he knew that from the day we started dating. I love him so much and would consider having a baby to make/see him happy. The problem is that I don't know if am ready to become a mother, as I said before, I don't really want to have kids but I would do it for my partner.
What would you do in my situation? He won't stop talking about it now and I feel so bad and don't know what to do!
Thanks
Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
May View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie


Joined: 15 November 2008
Points: 16
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote May Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 November 2012 at 10:41am
I am not sure if having a baby to make him happy is a good idea. Children are complicated and bring with them a lot of changes and emotions. It could mean the end to your relationship if you have one for the wrong reasons. You said he knew that you didn't want kids when you met, so maybe you need to be honest and say that to him. If you are not clear about what you want then tell him. I would definitely suggest you figure out what you want and don't create another life to make someone else happy. Maybe see a counsellor?
Back to Top
Bizzy View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
Points: 10974
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 November 2012 at 12:15pm
yep what she said!

Back to Top
EmDee View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Waikato
Points: 4407
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote EmDee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 November 2012 at 12:20pm
I agree, having a child to make your partner happy is not a good idea, and is potentially unfair on the child (kids are pretty good at picking up on things we don't say and if you never wanted kids then they'll feel it).

You and your fiancee really need to talk this out and if need be seek help from a counsellor to guide your discussion. Adding a child to a relationship add huge strain to that relationship even if the child is completely planned and wanted by both. Is it possible that you'll love motherhood? Of course but it's also possible that you'll hate it and grow to resent both your fiancee and child.

All the best with your decision xx
DS 8
DD 6
DS 4
DD 2
Back to Top
kiwigal View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 01 January 1900
Points: 1616
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote kiwigal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 November 2012 at 5:12pm
Can he live with of the idea of not fathering a child if this what he wants ? Whatever the outcome it is going be hard on both parties maybe you should seek help.
Good luck with your decision.
Back to Top
SouthKiwi View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 November 2012
Points: 857
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SouthKiwi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 November 2012 at 2:30pm
Thanks ladies. We are going to see a counsellor.
I am very confused right now. Sometimes I think being a mum would be amazing but I know am not ready yet. I don't want to loose him because of this and I hope he understands how I feel about it (he says he does but his face tells a different story).
Thanks for your advice!
Back to Top
Hopes View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 06 August 2008
Location: Waikato
Points: 4495
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hopes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 November 2012 at 4:32pm
I think it's worth, as mummydee suggested, having a chat together with a counsellor. Being a Mum IS amazing - and you might realise that you're not as opposed to it as you thought when you nut it all out. I was never a natural with little kids myself - I didn't know what to do with them and frankly, all the attention they needed was sometimes quite annoying. With my own - WHOLE different world (I always assumed it would be... glad I was right!)

On the other hand, there are some of us who genuinely just have no desire to reproduce, and that's totally OK too. If that really is you, you probably don't want to bring kids into the world for the sake of someone else. You might make him happy, and yourself happy that he is happy, but in the long run I think you'd be worse off if you did it genuinely against your better judgement.

Back to Top
?RayneBeau? View Drop Down
Newbie
Newbie
Avatar

Joined: 13 November 2012
Points: 15
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ?RayneBeau? Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 November 2012 at 11:25pm
Originally posted by May May wrote:

I am not sure if having a baby to make him happy is a good idea. Children are complicated and bring with them a lot of changes and emotions. It could mean the end to your relationship if you have one for the wrong reasons. You said he knew that you didn't want kids when you met, so maybe you need to be honest and say that to him. If you are not clear about what you want then tell him. I would definitely suggest you figure out what you want and don't create another life to make someone else happy. Maybe see a counsellor?


I definitely agree with May! :)
Back to Top
SouthKiwi View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 27 November 2012
Points: 857
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SouthKiwi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 December 2012 at 9:59am
Hi all, you are all right. Creating another life to make someone happy would be totally wrong. As Hopes said, I may be one of those people that have no desire to reproduce. I just wish people were more understanding! Someone said to me once "well, if you don't want to have kids, whats the point in being alive?" That was hurtful, not wanting to have kids doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
Back to Top
EmDee View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Waikato
Points: 4407
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote EmDee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 December 2012 at 3:35pm
OMG how rude!! No of course it doesn't make you a bad person!! Their judgement of you doesn't say much for them though
DS 8
DD 6
DS 4
DD 2
Back to Top
scribe View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 23 April 2008
Points: 1306
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote scribe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 December 2012 at 9:04am
I have a couple of friends who are/have been in this situation. With one, her partner agreed that they would wait until she was 35 (so that's another 5 years), to see how she felt then (she's now 32). She's doing brilliantly in her career and it's likely she would have to make sacrifices if she became a mother now. It's quite possible that your mind will change later on, I hear that many women hit their mid-30s and are suddenly desperate for a child.
With another friend, she agreed to have a baby, but her husband agreed to take on the stay-at-home parent role, almost from birth... I think this was a good compromise, because although it is a mutual decision to have a child, often it ends up being the woman who either gives up her professional career, freedoms etc to be a mum, or alternatively goes back to work but may miss out on promotions, and/or does the bulk of the domestic work as well.
But I echo Hopes' thoughts as well, having a baby is amazing and I'm sure you wouldn't ever regret it.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 12.05
Copyright ©2001-2022 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.953 seconds.