BFing - no bonding connection...

firstly.... im sorry this is such a long post....

gave birth via CS for a footling breech baby. everything went fine and i got my first BF/skin-to-skin within 15 mins of the birth. because of the surgery however i was not able to sit/stand until the next day (ended up being just under 24 hours before i was allowed to sit/stand) and because of this, i had to BF lying down.... which is hard enough when you know what you are doing, let alone a first time mum and BFer. and because i had no idea what i was doing, it resulted in some very bad latches, so bad in fact that i ended up with hickey-like blood blisters around my nipple where he had latched incorrectly. but i didnt know tht what i was doing was wrong, so the nurses and MWs would come past, see i was feeding, and leave... and i didnt ask because i associated pain and cracking etc with having a baby feed off them, and that my boobs were just getting used to it....

so by day 3 i was a an absolute wreck and couldnt feed him properly because of the pain, i would be crying so hard i wouldnt even be able to see my hand in front of my face and i would by shuddering from the intense pain. i had to get a nurse/MW to help with every feed because i would need them to latch him for me while i dug my nails into anything i could find.

on day 6 when i went to go home from the hospital, they finally suggested nipple sheilds (which i had no idea about) and they seemed to work for a couple of feeds. by day 10 he had lost almost 12% of his bodyweight, and was too weak to stimulate my supply properly. so MW suggested bottle feeding EBM and topping up with formula (she is a formula-as-a-last-resort type MW) until he was back to birth weight... which took me a while to get my head around because i felt like such a failure that i couldnt even feed my own baby... but we did it, and all those failure thoughts i had disappeared (sp?) when i saw that he was gaining weight. was at that point that i realised that as long as he is feeding and growing, it doesnt matter how he gets it, its the love you give them thats worth more...

so did that for 2 weeks, he was over birth weight and even managed to get him back on the boob pain free with good latches...

but now i dont feel a connection when BFing... we had so many problems with feeding, that i know its a big thing to be able to now be able to BF him... and im grateful that i can... and its not that i dont like it, i dont hate it either... but I just dont feel a bond when i feed him.... its like he doesnt either... when i BF him, neither of us will look at the other, he will just be looking straight ahead and i will be watching tv or on the comp or anything except looking at him... but when i bottle feed him EBM or formula, we just sit and stare at each other and i have a much better bonding experience with him. im not anxious when i put hm on anymore, im not worried about it hurting, not worried about latch or anything, but i just dint enjoy it like i thought i would.... i really wanted to BF, but im just not "feeling" it IYGWIM....

i have a history of depression and i dont want the not-bonding feeling to turn into PND... which is where i was headed on day 6... i had actually made the decision to formula feed at that stage... and then i was offered nipple sheilds... so it kinda feels like i have to make the decision again but now its harder because i know that he can be BF pain free... but im just so much happier when i bottle feed him, because he seems to prefer it... and he doesnt like feeding off my left boob in any position...

my mum formula fed me and my 2 brothers because when she had me, she BF me for about a week, and hated it, then when she had my 1st bother, she tried nipple sheilds and he basically turned her entire nipple into a blood blister, so she formula fed, then with my youngest bro she didnt even try...

i really want to be able to happily BF our next baby, and i feel like i wont be able to if i keep going with the absence of a bonding connection with R.

so my qs is/are... has/is anyone else experienc(ed/ing) this? is it normal? should i just keep BFing since its better for him and ignore the not bonding thing since we bond in so many other ways?

GBH hun remember a happy mum makes a happy baby first and foremost. I'm in the I'm bfing because its free camp, don't love it don't hate it. I know its best for DD but if she had to be ff then I would as she would still be growing.

As you said in your post as long as he getting what he needs it doesn't matter how. Maybe try sticking it out to 3months and see how you go? You may get a bonding sensation then? I don't think I particularly bond with DD when she's feeding, there have been the odd times that we have been feeding in bed and her hands been up near my face and I've played with her hand which is cute but aside from that I have mostly been on the computer or watching tv. I can't remember but I don't think I was one of those mums who ever really sat there and looked into baby's eyes etc when bfing. DD has EBM and has from an early age every nowand then and I don't even think I sat there looking at her then.

Do what you feels is best for YOU just because ffing isn't considered best for baby because its not breast doesn't mean anything whats best for baby is a being healthy and happy and having a happy mum and family and being loved. Which you do love DS because you have written this post.

Oh on the birth weight thing DD lost 20% of her birthweight then went on a feeding frenzy overnight and gained it all back and ended up gaining 300gm at least every week after that until about 6weeks now she is 9months and still the size of a 6mth oldnot looking forward to her next plunket check where they'll probably tell me off for not feeding her baha she eats all day nonstop. So don't worry too much about it some are naturally smaller.

LOL - a cafe' thats cute .. I always felt like a cow.

Oh hun, don't beat yourself up. Like the others have said, if switching to formula full time makes you happier, do it. You have to do what is best for YOU and your baby.

 

I haven't really had an emotional connection with DS when feeding him either. . Some days I love it and some days I hate it. I had a similar start to you with the BF in hospital and ended up seeing a lactation consultant for a while to get us sorted and to stop the formula top ups and even now we have days where things are rather difficult and stressful with the feeding.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make. Its something that only you can decide.

sitck to boobs - its way cheaper and less fuss... and its a myth that whole staring lovingly into your face and vice versa while you are feeding. the bonding comes with the skin to skin and as you said you bond other ways.

I know almost exactly that feeling!

I havent read the responses but with us Daniel didnt wanna feed in the beginning as he was full of mucus so I hand expressed. I hated the experience int he beginning. The actual breast feeding got easier but I still didnt enjoy it. I expressed so that Dh could feed at least one feed at night, and I tried the bottle too and it made me soooo much more relaxed.

I ended up ditching breast feeding at 3 months and my god what a happier person I was for not having to do it anymore.

Just do what you think will work best for you and your family. Stuff everyone else!

I felt like a milking station.

I found it hard at first as I had cracked bleeding nipples, I used to have tears down my face while feeding her and my milk didn't come through til almost 3weeks after she was born so I was always expressing one side while feeding off the other.

I almost gave up, but I did find it easier than preparing bottles for her (and cheaper of course), especially during early hours of morning. I guess I did bond with her through feeding as she used to cross her fingers whle feeding, was so cute.

You have to do whats best for you also, at least you are trying, I felt like a failure as I had no milk to feed my baby but my partner was excellent with my down moments and kept reminding me how well I was doing, what a great mum I am so I didn't give up, and after a few months, it was fine and we were away, she put on heaps of weight and is happy and content

I just felt like a dairy cow both times. A little bit less with Ollie because I didn't need to express non-stop like with Chloe.

I hated BF Chloe and was relieved when I finally stopped at 3 and a half months, even though I am very pro-breastfeeding.

I didn't love or hate feeding Ollie... the start was tough, then it got easier, but it was still a "chore", just an easier chore than sterilising bottles and preparing formula and spending money I didn't really start bonding with Ollie while feeding until he was about 3 months old, when he would start staring up at me and grinning with his eyes, and I loved the cuddles etc. Before that BF was simply a convenience for me.

There are HUGE health benefits for breastfeeding your baby though. You should talk to your MW about how you are feeling, and get her advice to consider. You will need advice about how to wean the baby off the breast (for your health) before you stop BF anyway, no matter when you do it.

See you tomorrow hun, looking forward to it

ETA: Well said in the post above mine!

Edited by LittleBug

With both my kids I never had that instant love for Breastfeeding ect. There was some difficult times and with McKayla I literally almost gave up that first day as nurses kept on me and push and prod her and me (in South Africa) . Luckily hubby chase them out and calmed me down and it was just plain sailing from there for us.

With Andrew I expected it to be easier but it wasnt. It was a lot harder work to latch him on ect.

For me that supposed feeling of love for feeding your kids come later. Almost when you are basically done and you look back thinking. Aaah I did that for my kiddies. Or now and then when they are feeding and you try not to actually do anything else and you just look at them and see how contend they are ect.

As for losing weight in the beginning. In South Africa this is totally normal. Up to 15% is totally normal and doesnt get an eye blink. It usually takes up to 2 weeks to get back to birthweight and some take a bit longer and you just breastfeed more. Not the first time I notice in NZ that it seems not to be the "norm" Wonder what is considered okay to lose ect. (sorry not as much directed at you here.

And for me as much as I am an extended breastfeeder and truly believe drop of breastmilk is better than a drop of formula it is so so much more important to have a happy mother and child. So if you are okay with Breastfeeding why not make a pack with yourself. Do it for a certain period. Whether it is 6 weeks, 3 months 6 months or a year and then when you get to that point ask yourself if you are still okay with it or not. And financially well it is cheaper to breastfeed and perhaps put the money aside that you would have used on formula and spent that money on yourself. Just for you.

Bfing is an excuse to sit down and read a good book for me. I'm on my third bout of thrush in my nipples which is agonisingly painful and I'm not keen on continuing with bfing but since Tyler totally refuses the bottle and nothing we've tried has persuaded him its ok I'm kinda stuck. I don't pay him much attention when I'm feeding and he doesn't look at me either but we bond in other ways so I'm ok with that.