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Bubie 
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Location: Gore
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Posted: 08 September 2010 at 10:11pm |
Hi Everyone
I really need some advice  Ive been with my partner for 3 and a half years now, we are both 19 and when we first got together his mum was really nice, but now she is a dragon, when i was pregnant she was always telling me i looked like a whale and had a big bum...im a shy person so find it very hard to stand up to here as she is very blunt, so i have always just took what she has said and then gotten over it, but latly she has been getting worse, i need to sort it out because it is causing trouble between my DP and his mum, but i hate her so much aswell, just because of all of the things she has said and done to me that i just cant seem to forgive her and try and get on with her, it seems as time goes on im getting more and more ruder to her by my actions because i dont have the guts to have it out with her because she is very blunt and kinda scary at times..
Does anyone have any advice for me on how i could deal with this or have any of you's had the same thing and maybe could offer some advice on how to clear thing's up 
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MyLilSquishy
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Joined: 25 July 2009
Location: Dunedin
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 8:30am |
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f you arent up for the confrontation, maybe you could write a letter and either post it, or hand it to her and leave? That way she can read through it all, and have a bit of time to absorb the information? does your DP stand up for you when she is being rude? Maybe you could sit OH down and just have a calm rational conversation about the way she makes you feel, so that he can just watch the relationship between you and his mum and help you stand up to her together?
other than that i dont know sorry hun, im the kind that takes it and takes it then just totally looses my rag lol. but huge hugs!!!!!!
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Bizzy
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 8:36am |
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practise in the mirror standing up to her - be polite cause you dont want to stoop to her level ... maybe say something like... Look if you cant say anything nice to me, then please dont bother saying anything at all. I have kept quiet out of respect to you but i have had enough!
then walk away and let her digest it.
or get your partner to talk to her...
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Bubie
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 8:54am |
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MyLilSquishy - My DP kinda of stands up for me but for some reason most of the time he dosnt want to stand up to her, i have no idea why, I could write a letter to her but then she would call me a coward and then end up confronting me anyway, he just dosnt see why what his MIL is saying is rude.
Bizzy- I might have to give that a go, i seem to be able to say what i think when she make's me very angry but id hate to go around there and say something i shouldn't have as i could see that happening, i might have to also get DP to talk to her aswell, but i doubt she will listen, she thinks we should live our life exactly how she wants and if we dont then she blames it all on me, most of the time to DP and not to me.
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MyLilSquishy
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 9:00am |
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if you and OH stood up to her together, but he doesnt get, maybe you could keep a few notes on what she says and when, then explain why it makes you feel that way, then if she does the "no i didnt" routine... you will have notes and OHs support to say "yes you did" and you could then say what Bizzy said? maybe she doesnt realise she is being rude? (im not making excuses, but some people are just blunt, dont realise it until someone looses the plot?)
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High9
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 9:03am |
Yup the above suggestions are good. Fortunately for me I have had the best relationship with my MIL.
But if someone was being rude to me, esp calling you a whale and saying you have a big bum (esp when your pregnant and going through a lot of body changes etc which being 19 isn't something you really want to hear!!) then I would be wanting to sort it out. I really like the 'If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all' line. Seriously if she can't then tell her to zip it or else 
Definitely get DP involved, maybe you could keep a diary of what she says/does and when and show him/her because maybe she doesn't realise she is being rude and what not.
Hope that makes sense, but definitely don't put up with it! You're going to be connected to his family forever now and I think you should definitely get it sorted out! I am shy and don't like confrontation but I definitely would tell her where to go!
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Bubie
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 9:16am |
MyLilSquishy- I think keeping notes would be a good idea, Sometimes i dont think she knows how rude she is but other times im sure she is doing it on purpose.
Lil_Nic9- I think i will have to get DP involved too, after all it is his mother, and ill keep some notes on what she says and then i can remember everything she has said since then. I think im just going to have to get some guts and have a talk to her, maybe with both me and DP then she will relies to stop what she is doing Just got to get the guts to do it . . .
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MyLilSquishy
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 9:17am |
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good luck!
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amme_eilyk
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 9:20am |
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the first thing that you have to do is discuss it with your partner. I also recommend discussing and clearing anything that you do with him first. this prevents mil from saying can you believe what she said/did etc. as difficult as it is you will probably have to sit down with your mil and talk it through. A public place like a cafe is a really good place as it helps keep everyone on their best behaviour. also there will definitely need to be some of it from dp as otherwise it just seems like you against her and often you being irrational to the mil.
personally I have had major issues with my mil, she changed around the time that we got engaged. the above has got us to a point where we are able to live with the situation. it is still not great and I still hate her too much from what she has done/said to me to have a meaningful relationship with her. however, i have now got to the point where i can be in the same room as her and sit through a meal (in a public place at least so far) without having a panic attack. if you want to talk pm me
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millymollymandy
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 10:03am |
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I hate bullys and this sounds like one. You have some good advice there. She sounds pretty immature IMO. When you do talk to her use things like "when you say X it makes me feel X". Often blunt people have no emotional radar and may not realise that what they say is hurtful. Using this technique also puts the focus on what she says not her as a person.
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jazzy
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 10:51am |
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I agree she does sound very immature & I wonder if you pregnancy tipped her over the edge so to speak...maybe she felt like she was losing her baby, your DP...But that's no excuse for her horrible behaviour.
I personally would walk...I would tell DP to sort her out & until she can behave she is not welcome in your house or around you & baby. Leave him free to see his mum. It may just shock her into behaving like an adult.
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Renee & Lauren
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 11:58am |
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in my experience all MIL's can be harsh and rude and not know what they are doing.. I would tell her - don't leave to your DP /DH like I did and he said nothing!
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Bubie
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 12:33pm |
Im going to try and talk to her but i dont know if DP will stand up to her, for some reason whenever i try and talk to him about his MIL he gets all defensive and thinks im the one with the problems and not her, that's the only thing that concerns me because he might not stand up to her when i try and tell her, but if he isnt there then he wont hear what she has to say, he has stood up to her before but that was when she said something that also affected him
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TheKelly
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 1:54pm |
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No offence, but if my MIL ever had a problem with me, my DH would be on MY side, not hers.
Once upon a time, she was the most important woman in his life, that changed when he met me .Now I am, im his partner, his other half and as he says himself, I come first,not his parents .
He should be standing up for you , and I , well, I would just leave them to it . And only see her when I have to until she grows up .
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Jacobsmumma
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 1:58pm |
I'm guessing your DP is feeling a bit in the middle too - some guys just lack the courage to stand up to their parents in situations like this. It's a shame tho that he's not giving you the support you need. I'm not sure what your living circumstances are, but perhaps you could distance yourself from her for a while?
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High9
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 2:06pm |
 TheKelly wrote:
No offence, but if my MIL ever had a problem with me, my DH would be on MY side, not hers.
Once upon a time, she was the most important woman in his life, that changed when he met me .Now I am, im his partner, his other half and as he says himself, I come first,not his parents .
He should be standing up for you , and I , well, I would just leave them to it . And only see her when I have to until she grows up . |
LIKE*LIKE*LIKE!!
She does sound very immature but out of curiosity, is DP and only child?
It's funny a lot of you ladies say was fine until we got engaged because I know a lot of mums feel like they're being pushed aside once someone new comes along if that makes sense. I remember my grandma talking to me about it once!
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RedHeadDuck
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 4:50pm |
Where does she live Bubie? I'm from Gore, I'll go talk to her
My MIL's gone a bit funny since we had a baby too. Kinda like she thinks she's loosing her son. I don't think she realises that it takes me, to suggest we go visit them. DH wouldn't really go see them so much if I didn't suggest it.
My Mum also says in her opinion, its the MIL's job to make a effort and be nice to the DIL to keep the peace, not the DIL's job. Although I make a effort, I really don't think she sees it that way!
Oooh. Maybe I could send my Mum round to sort her out
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Renee & Lauren
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 5:07pm |
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I had problems with my MIL when I had DD. Is your child the first grand kid?? That could be a reason.
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Emmecat
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 5:50pm |
millymollymandy wrote:
I hate bullys and this sounds like one. You have some good advice there. She sounds pretty immature IMO. When you do talk to her use things like "when you say X it makes me feel X". Often blunt people have no emotional radar and may not realise that what they say is hurtful. Using this technique also puts the focus on what she says not her as a person.
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Great advice!!
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my4beauties
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 6:45pm |
I was great friend with my MIL too, from the moment Dh and I got together, right up til I got pg, 3 years after we got married. I felt she was way too controlling (or trying to control) in regards to naming our child, and a lot of other things. My Dh is her only son (she also has a daughter younger than DH) and she was a solo parent from when he was 11. I had issues with her when I was pg, but kept myself from getting too upset over them, but once Rico was born it went downhill and we had big problems and we were always having discussions to try and sort things out but she couldn't see my POV and said she thought I had PND (which I didn't). DH didn't support me, and thought I was being OTT and we had HUGE arguements over her. It was a hard time for me, new baby and having to deal with controlling and manupulative MIL and no support from Dh. I tried to explain that it was mother's instinct kicking in for me, but he wasn't understanding it.
I know it would've been hard for Dh to stand up to his mum when he wasn't understanding how she was making me feel and the fact she raised him on the benefit and I fully believe had manupulated his mind while he was growing up.
Fast forward 7 years, and well. Things have changed dramatically. We now have 4 children and DH is very very strict with his mum and what she can and can't do with our kids. He stands up to her and tells her she's not allowed to lie to our kids. He's woken up to how she raised him and how many lies she told him growing up. Now it's Dh and MIL having arguements, and I'm in the middle. Of course DH will ALWAYS have my support and I'm loving that I finally can trust that Dh and I are on the same page with MIL.
My MIL should've been a politician or lawyer - she's brilliant with her words and knows how to turn things around - whereas I'm no good in that area and am not good with explaining myself or feelings. So it was hard communicating with her. I say in your concerns with her you need to make notes, and organise a time to meet her and go through your issues. Tell her you are being honest with her and she cannot deny how she is making you feel whether she agrees with it or not. She has to accept the way you are feeling about how she treats you, and she either can cut it out, or not bother having any contact with you. GL - it's a horrible situation to be, I know!
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MIL’S...
