Advice on dealing with insensitive people

Hi ladies,

I was wondering if any of you lovely ladies have any advice on how to deal with people during this emotional journey.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to be around some people when they are so incredibly insensitive about what my DH & I are going through...

There is one 'friend' in particular that I am not sure how to deal with. Novel story below;

Background; We have been close friends for about 15 years and she has one 5 year old daughter who I adore and love being around.
Over the years we have sort of drifted in and out of friendship but try to catch up every now & then.

1.She knows our infetility situation (ICSI only chance of baby) and I have kept her in the loop of where we are at etc as our first cycle was the same time as her sister doing IVF.
Last year I found out our first attempt didn't work the day before my birthday (And told her) and then at my birthday breakfast she announced she was pregnant in front of everyone. I managed to smile & congratulate her and burst onto tears when I got to the car.
(She miscarried this pregnancy and I sent her flowers and called to check she was ok etc)

2. Whenever I hang out with her & all my other friends 9who all have kids) they always talk about babies and kids and then if I offer any type of opinion I get the "Yeah, but it's different when you are a Mum, it's easy to say these things but you'll understand one day"
SO RUDE!

3. She invited DH and I over for dinner last week and as soon as I walk in the door she announces she is pregnant again (Two weeks before our second IVF attempt)
and proceeds to talk about the pregnancy the entire night. Again, held it together until I got to the car.
I thought maybe I was just being oversensitive so hopped into bed and I get a text saying something along the lines of "Was so funny seeing the shock on your face when we told you"

4. She sent me a fwded email the other day in the subject line "To all the Mums & Dads out there'
WTF is she serious?

I am really struggling with this, am I being oversensitive or is she being a total b*tch?
There are other things but these are the main things she has done lately.

Biggest novel ever but due to being on the younger side, I have nobody to talk to about this stuff!
I am really struggling

Wow you are not be oversensitive at all. That is harsh. Some people really don't get it and have no capability to even try and put themselves in the same shoes.

I agree with mountaingirl, try to remove yourself from being around her. You don't need that stress and upset.

If it helps your not alone. A lot of us went and are going through the same stuff. I remember after our second failed round (had a frostie left) we got engaged and decided to throw a big party. In part to have something to celebrate ourselves for a change since we couldn't celebrate pregnancy and on the night my family arrived from up north my aunty friend blurted out she was pregnant and that was all my family talked about all night. DH and I sat there quiet at our own party while everyone discussed the pregnancy.

I agree...
I had a friend who knew DH and I had been trying at that stage for 18 months to get pregnant.
Then when seeing her and she told me she was pregnant said "Oh yea, thought I had already told you. Decided to have a baby and wham pregnant after first month of trying. No big deal, its old news now"

From that day on, I removed myself from making contact with her. She tried to keep in touch with me, but she was so insensitive I couldnt be bothered with her. Now, I never see her and never even been to visit her or her child since.

Bitch that I am... LOL

Parki - I totally agree with what everyone else has said. You don't want to have people like that around you. Infertility is such a tough journey and right now you need support and friendship.

I find that even hearing friends/family are pregnant is hard enough (and they are supportive to me), that's not even close to what that 'friend' of yours is doing to you.

Remove contact, surround yourself with caring people, and look after yourself.

Kick her to the kerb!!! Not worth knowing and seems she gets great delight out of your situation

Surround yourself with loving, caring people xx

Wow, she really doesn't get it. I do believe that until you have been down the infertility/mc road, its probably hard to completely get it, but she has a way to go to even try?!!
Is she a friend you really want to keep for the long-term? Maybe send her this, printed outhttp://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

If she's not, maybe send it her anyway, but with no expectation. I know it doesn't exactly point to what you have described above, and is even not even NZ based, but hey, its a start?!

Great link Spanky. That is such a great idea. Even if you did a group email of this to people who are really supportive to so she doesn't think she is being targeted and if she complains about it, well then explain she is the only one as everyone else is supportive - or something like that.

I know FA have pamphlets you can take and hand out to family and friends and I had friends asking for them because they were very interested in the whole process to and they offered good advice to friends and family on how to support the couple going through infertility.

Are you serious?! Man what a cow!

Huge hugs to you, not a nice situation to be in at all.

Why send that email though when she knows what you're going through - that is awful!

No you're not being too sensitive about it at all! I would be so upset too.

HUGE hugs x

Maybe I should send her a link to this thread!

I don't and never have expected people to walk on egg shells around me and as I mentioned I am nothing but happy for other friends when they announce pregnancies etc. I throw baby showers, attend EVERY baby shower, visit in hospital, send flowers, everything.
It is just this one particular person that seems to go out of her way to say things that come across as either completely oblivious or just nasty.

Its like having a friend who has no arms and talking about your arms in front of them all the time and saying things like "Oh if you had arms you would understand" and sending them emails with the subject 'To all those with arms out there"

Its just screwed up.

And actually yes, I do have expectations of someone I have been friends with for 15 years. Not an expectation that they should understand what it like to be in my place but an expectation that they support me and at least be understanding as I have been for the last 15 years of our friendship; Not make me cry all the time!