Relationship after baby

Sorry if there's been a thread like this before but it's a question I really want to ask.

When you had your first baby, how did your relationship change/get affected with DH/DF/DP, if it did at all?

We had been married for 2 years when we had our bub. He was totally planned, and very much wanted to create our own little family. We have always had a good relationship, open and honest with the only silly fights usually being about money or inlaws, I don't know many people who don't fight about those things sometimes. All in all we had the kind of relationship where people said we were perfect for eachother, so well suited, etc etc and if you ever picked which couple in our group would have problems, it wouldn't have been us. We did pretty much everything together and were so in synch with opinions, values etc. Love of my life basically.

Anyway, I feel like having a baby, even a completely planned baby, has turned our relationship inside out.

We had a difficult first few months with DH getting his job changed at work without him wanting that and with me getting PND and baby having reflux as well. We also had to move house and endure open homes while the place we were renting got sold. Money was pretty tight. And we had trouble with family members on both sides. So stresses from every direction pretty much.

Neither of us cope particularly well with stress or pressure and so we went through a rough time of fighting a lot, and taking our stresses out on eachother. As a result my DH just shut down as if he gets overwhelmed he just doesn't want to deal with it, and he withdrew from everything. It culminated in a pretty much this has to change or I'm leaving scenario. We worked through some things, each getting advice and soem help from GP etc and for quite a few months everything was going a lot better. But recently things have been tense again because of issues between my DH and my mother about her interfering, which is a huge thing for him.

There seems to be so much more conflict now that we have a baby even though we love him to pieces and we don't want to split up at all. But we keep fighting over silly things then having to patch things up all the time, and it's stressful. I feel like somewhere in all the stress and tension and busy life of having a baby we lost sight of us as a couple and loving eachother and I feel like we can't take back what's happened and all the hurt there and we're struggling to move forward from it and leave it behind, as it keeps coming back to haunt us.

So my question really is did you find in difficult with your relationship in the first year? Adjusting to your new roles and still trying to be a mother and wife as well? Did it get better? How did you make it work?

Thanks

Let me start by answering some of your last questions.

Did it get better? Yes definately. We are a lot stronger now than we have been before kids.

How did you make it work? Sometimes we had to take certain days minute by minute and other days was great again.

Okay now for the beginning and my story.

We had a hard time concieving as we kept on having miscarriages and we lost our honeymoon baby first.

We had some family issues on both sides. Started with our wedding. We didnt ended up getting married the way we wanted with family interfering so we got married in an office with none of our families there. (due to all sorts on both sides).

But we were strong through that. Had on and off moments but we had each other.

When I got pregnant with McKayla (we had some issues with the pregnancy due to me being on bedrest, lost the twin) But once again we had each other.

Once she was here it was really nice in the beginning. He took a month off. He insisted on doing the bathing part so he could have one things that was him and her (and I think it is very important to have that one part that they feel completely in control off). But baby things took over. (and that is natural)

We had less time for ourselves and for each other. We were lucky in the regard that McKayla was a very easy baby. The moving countries took more of a toll on us. I literally got so close to telling him I will take McKayla and go back to SA and once you sorted everything out here I will come back.

But I remember my Dad telling me that I need to be patient and this is when he will need me to be strong.

After a year birthday came it slowly got better without realising. We were still a strong team but we were starting to find time with each other again. McKayla would go to bed a bit earlier and we got a few minutes here and there. Same when she turned 2 and we felt like we were really had some quality time together just the two of us when she was 2 and a half.

It went a bit of a downward spiral with another pregnancy. I was sick through out. And once Andrew was here his MIL stayed with us for 5 weeks (2 before and 3 after). He only had 2 weeks leave this time and he backed off a bit to allow his mother time to spent with baby and it really did my head in. I felt that alone time we got as a family wasnt there this time. I got very close to having PND as I felt like everything was on me.

Andrew was a lot more "difficult" than McKayla. We had silent reflux and he would scream as if I thought he had colic. For a few months there we were up for several times a night (12 to 16 times). And I was sleep deprived. It was only once we sorted allergy issues out with Andrew that things calmed down.

But this time around I never thought about leaving or what this or what that.

It definately gets better. This time it did again at 1 year and we are a month away from 2 and it is a lot better than last year.

For me I think the key is time. You have this little one that takes so much of your energy that you dont have time for yourself or for anyone else. They start feeling left out and instead of talking about the real issues there is lots of little fights over nothing but it is constant. And that time you need to just breath and just be with your partner is not there anymore.

My advise: Take time out for yourself and for him. If need be organise someone to look after bubs once a month for 2 hours or so and spent that time one on one with him. Be easy on yourself and him and try to look out for all the postives and start complementing him on that.

It really does get easier but that first year is very very hard.

Agree, T-rex, for my partner and I it was a lot of stepping into the other's shoes and seeing it from their point of view etc.

I come from a totally different side of the fence so to speak in that DH and I did not survive the first year and he's now ex DH.

Firstly, a bit of background.

ExDH and I had been together for 5 years before we got married and we had been married for 3.5years when we had DD.

We had had niggly issues before having DD - mostly money and not spending enough time together - but I thought we had sorted things out. DD was totally planned but we got pregnant the first month we started TTC which was a bit of a shock for both of us. The ex had some issues with his job while I was pregnant which lead to more money problems and we had to take on a flatmate. I think now, with the benfit of hindsight, he was depressed. He freaked out about what kind of father he would be as his Dad left when he was 4 and he didn't have much of a relationship with him as a kid. And he freaked about being the provider as well I think.

DD was prem and from the start things were not easy. She screamed all the time (reflux baby) and for 3 months she did not sleep for more than an hour at a time day or night. She would sleep max 4 hours a night, usually in a routine 1hr sleep, 1hr feed/scream/feed/scream/feed/scream, 1 hr rocking screaming baby or pacing the floor while I tried to get her to sleep, 1 hr sleep etc etc. ExDH just withdrew and fell apart, was no help and did nothing except work and sleep, and that made me incredibly angry. He was tired all the time and yet it was me gettting up all night. He moved out of our room and slept at the other end of the house to get away from the noise. We started at councelling when DD was 14 weeks old and went for 4 months to try and sort things out. Things improved for a time but as soon as we stopped councelling things got worse again.

Unfortunately I went back to work in May when DD was 5 months old and DD was incredibly sick all of that winter and ended up in hospital 4 times. Between the ages of 5 and 11 months old she spent a total of 3 days being 100% well, she got bronchiolitis something like 17 times! ExDH never visited her in hospital the first 3 times we were there (he was "too tired" or "not feeling well") and I was worn out with working and looking after a sick child, often up most of the night for weeks on end.

By the time DD was 11 months old I had had enough of his behaviour and asked for a trial separation. As time went on after we separated I realised it was a toxic relationship and as much as we both loved DD neither of us wanted to get back together.

So, after that long winded story, here are the answers to your question:

wiggly_jiggly wrote: When you had your first baby, how did your relationship change/get affected with DH/DF/DP, if it did at all? So my question really is did you find in difficult with your relationship in the first year? Adjusting to your new roles and still trying to be a mother and wife as well? Did it get better? How did you make it work? Thanks

In hindsight my relationship with him didn't really change, having a baby just highlighted the issues we had and made them much much much worse. He was jealous of the attention I gave DD. It was a vicious cycle where she was sick and got all my focus and he didn't get as much attention as he had before so withdrew and I got angry and gave him less attention etc etc.

ExDH didn't know how to be a supportive husband or a father because of his family background, and really couldn't be bothered putting any effort in to learn. I thought he would change when we had a baby, and in fact he just pretty much threw up his hands and said it was all too hard and gave up completely.

I think most people go through relationship issues after having a baby. Ours were a bit different in that we didn't have a strong relationship to start with. We worked on it with councelling and also gave councelling a go after we separated and we just couldn't move past our issues. The problems we had were not created when we had DD, they were always there but the pressure of having a new baby combined with the fact that she was sick all the time just pulled us apart.

Whew - sorry for the novel. I hope you and your DH sort things out. I think one of the keys to sorting things out is good communication.

Edited by Shelt

Alot of your situation sounds similar here too. We were the couple that people would never think we would have problems.

Unfortunately we let things get out of control so it dragged on for 12 mths before it peaked and nearly split us up. We got on a ride that was damn hard to get off!

We saw a really really good counsellor recommended by friends and we also had a couple of really supportive friends. We knew we had to both work hard and stay together as a unit and not worry about anyone outside of the 3 of us. It was hard work but time does help.
It can take time to adjust and both of us had to make more of an effort to be a couple again.

Hope things get better for you both hun

our marriage changed after having our first child, but only because of how dh's mother was behaving. She put so much strain on our marriage, but then dh never saw my POV so he stood up for her so i felt i had no support from him. I packed his bags once and told him to leave, but he didn't.... and 8 years on and 3 more children, we've never been happier. Moreso cos MIL mkvedd out of town for a fewe years which eased that pain in the a$$, but dh has also realised what she's like and supports me over her now.

I cannot stress though, how important communication is in relationships. And unfortunately it's the last thing we tend to do when times are tough. Of course you both have to work on things and if one isn't playing game then it can make things that much harder.

I hope you guys can work through the patch cos it sounds like you can from how you were as a couple pre baby. Think of it as a phase, but it will get better.

it does seem that kids either make it or break it. We went through tough times and stumbled through, things got better then we had DS2. Things got worse again and then finally got some counselling, things got better and have stayed better.

I'd say its worth getting something like that now rather than later as the longer you go, the more resentment etc you build up!!

If you both want to be married to each other and raise your son as your family then you can get through. But it does involve better communication and real honestly about what the REAL issues are. The stuff that pisses you off on a daily basis is just the symptoms, not the cause.

crafty1 wrote: If you both want to be married to each other and raise your son as your family then you can get through. But it does involve better communication and real honestly about what the REAL issues are. The stuff that pisses you off on a daily basis is just the symptoms, not the cause.

Agree and nicely said

crafty1 wrote: Enjoy your date and plan more!!

This - totally!
If you can, try and do some thing like you used to do (that you loved).

We've taken to doing movie dates during the week where we get a DVD from the library at the weekend and watch it later in the week ($2 for a week at ours and an amazing selection of DVDs to choose from) - just sitting and being together (and sometimes make yourself [if you can] watch something that he would love)

Another great tip I heard during the week (for the times you are mad/sad/distressed/not sure) find a picture of the two of you that you really love and spend the day thinking about why/when/how you fell in love in the first place (it made me a whole lot lesspeeved at my DH)


[we've struggled a little with having a new baby in the house too, i think my hormones are completely out of whack)

It's been great reading through this post because often I think my relationship is not the best....that we bicker, have big arguements, lack communication at times, that DF feels at times that DS is my whole life (which of course he is lol), feelings of neglect on both parts.....working through the issues, and everyone being happy again....til the next time lol. I would think...I'm sure relationships are not suppose to be like this, maybe we should move on from each other. But we have good times as well and we love each other. We try and have regular family days..probably could do with more couple days. What's the best is that I now know that I'm not alone, that our relationship isn't the only one that's like this.....and that its normal!! phew!! I definitely need to see things from DF's POV, and should comment him a lot more for all he does.

Anyway just wanted to thank you all for sharing and showing me that its normal.