Is this true?!

My friend is pregnant and her boyfriend has wanted her to get rid of the baby from the beginning. She wants to stay with him until baby is born and then move in with her parents who she thinks will buy everything for her. She thinks "the stress and pain I know [leaving him] will cause will be better to go through when I'm not pregnant because it will harm the baby. AND her midwife agrees
I don't believe this because shes not doin to well staying in the relationship, shes loosing weight (which isn't bothering her midwife). She was just over 50kgs but now shes under and she's due on July 31st.
I just wanted some advice. Does anyone know if what she says is true? I try and talk to her but end up getting angry at her.

Edited by BabyOnBoard

Maybe shes holding out hope that he will change- that once baby is born he will fall in love with it and want to stay with her.

Can totally understand why you must be angry and frustrated at her- but its often easier to be objective about situations when we aren't the ones who are emotionally involved.

He sounds like a drongo and she would be better off without him- hope she comes to her senses soon!

I agree with Jennz - maybe she is holding onto the hope he'll change his mind! But it must be an aweful situation for her to be in - surely it would cause her stress either way - I know it would for me - living in the same house as someone who I knew didn't want the baby growing inside me.

I think it can be hard as a friend to sit there and watch a situation like this - knowing what the 'right' thing to do is but not really being able to say too much - as jennz said its easier for those outside the situation to see what people 'should' do. You can only be there to help support whatever decision she makes and help her through - there sounds like there is heartache and some fairly bad times ahead for her - poor thing.

And as Eva said - I would be worried about her weight too! 50kgs is TINY!!!

I was in a very similar situation when I had Maya, altho Willie never wanted me to 'get rid' of Maya, he really had no interest in her, me or the pregnancy. I left him once when I was pregnant, but went back coz I had this real thing about needing to be able to tell my baby that I did everything humanly possible to make our relationship work for her sake, to stop me feeling guilty for bringing her into this world fatherless.

We ended up splitting up permanently when she was 3 months old, after she was born I gradually came to realise that I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking it's ok to let men treat her the way he was treating me. So having her gave me the strength and motivation to call it quits for good (we got back together when she was 23 mths, but that's a story for another day )

Maybe that's what your friend needs. Of course in hindsight I think "why didn't I just stay away the first time" but it's not that easy when you're in the middle of it, especially with all the hormones etc. playing havoc on you. If I was in your position I'd just make sure she knows you will support her whatever she does, and be there for her.

With the weight loss thing, I guess you just have to trust that her midwife knows whats going on. Baby will take all of her nutrients as a survival tactic so if she isn't getting enough to sustain them both it will show up as anaemia, vit B deficiency etc. in her blood tests and hopefully her midwife will follow it up.

You sound like you're being a great friend worrying about her so much, she's lucky to have your support and caring.

I also agree on the idea that a few of the others are saying about her hoping he will change his mind. Not meaning to sound judgemental here, but I am guessing your friend is young, and dosen't have the confidence she needs to know she can do this on her own, with the support of her parents and good friends like yourself. I personally think that her keeping the baby in the hope he will stick around will just drive the loser futher away. I had a very stressful first pregnancy and we almost broke up when I was about 7 months, due to the pressures of having a teenage stepson, I was worried about the stress on baby, but my M/W told me that baby will just ocme out thinking that all that yelling is normal... I did get very high bp though. I guess she thinks she knows what is best for herself (your friend) so you can help and guide her, but at the end of the day she has to make these decisions for herself. You are a good and supportive friend to her, keep up the good work!

nikkiwhyte wrote: Cathrine wrote: Tell your friend to be careful - I think there's some law about if a couple is living together when they have a baby, then the baby's father has automatic guardianship rights to the child. If she doesn't want this to happen (ie still be able to see the baby, but not able to to pick up child from kindy and run) then she should not be living with him at the time of the birth. Maybe one of the lawyers could confirm? This isn't to do with living together but to whether his name is on the birth certificate. If the father is named then he gets automatic guardianship... but he must sign the form to be on the cert. If he will sign it, but she doesn't want him to have guardianship then she can apply to the courts to have his rights removed but I'm pretty sure they'd probably say no (except if he is a danger to the child/mother)

since the law change catherine is right about the living together giving automatic guardianship.

as to wether it would be more stressful for the mother or baby that is questionable...it would depend on the mum as to how much she would let it affect her and therefore the baby. its a bit like the theory that giving up smoking cold turkey while pregnant is bad for the baby.
my sis in law always loses weight when she is pregnant, and shes skinny to start with too.

oh and just because your friend said the mw agreed doesnt necessarily mean it is true... i think we are all guilty at some stage or another of stretching the truth to fit our situation.

Edited by gandt

BabyOnBoard wrote: She says this is her last chance to have a partner but thats not true! Real men will love that baby.

Just wanted to address this part of your post... my boyfriend broke up with me while I was pregnant with my daughter as he "could not have a girlfriend who was pregnant or a single mum" and I refused to get rid of the baby. When my daughter was 6 months old I met Nathaniel. We were friends to begin with, then realised there was more there. We've now been married for 3 years 4 months and have 2 more children. Nat is the only Daddy Kiya has ever known.

Any male can be a father but it takes a real man to be a Daddy.

The only thing I would be concerned about is whether he is violent - or potential violent - towards her. Especially since she's going to have a long, hormonal and stressed road by the sounds of things.

ok just to clarify ladies....

1 - if they are living together at time child is born he WILL be a guardian at law

2 - it is virtually impossible to remove his guardianship rights EVER (there are some horrific cases when a father killed one child and retains rights as guardian of the others!)

3 - He doesnt need to sign the certificate to get legal rights! He can always apply to the family court if she doesnt put him on. Also if she doesnt put him on WINZ may require she apply for day to day care (formerly custody)

4 - She needs to sort things out now - not later....but legal rights should not be the determining factor for timing of separation as he can always apply for contact (access) rights and to be appointed a guardian anytime.

hope that clarifies the legal side of things

BTW family court offers free counselling - six sessions whether or not proceedings are in place...maybe they could request this thru their local court?

Bombshell wrote: 3 - He doesnt need to sign the certificate to get legal rights! He can always apply to the family court if she doesnt put him on. Also if she doesnt put him on WINZ may require she apply for day to day care (formerly custody)

Thanks for clarifying Bombshell I just wanted to add to this one point. If the father and mother are not married at the time of the baby's birth then the father has to sign consent to be put on the birth certificate (which is NOT equal to guardianship) and this is quite often the confusion around this.