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FionaS
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Topic: Strategy Needed Posted: 22 October 2007 at 9:34pm |
Need a plan...:
At least twice a day, Elle will have a total meltdown over something very small. Generally, it is because she wants to be carried all day and if you are unable to pick her up when she wants it, she yells. The thing is that she has very little self-regulation ability and the tears are intense and last a very long time. She just can't rein herself in. Today she had a wobbly at me as she wanted me to pick her up and pace (she won't tolerate being held if we are sitting. She screams like she is being tortured! LOL). I had been really busy and wanted to sit on the floor so sat with her. She screamed and screamed and screamed for 25mins. She was not tired, hungry, bored. I just sat quietly with an arm around her until she finally stopped. There was nothing at all wrong...she just wanted me to stand up and carry her and was determined.
Now I know that picking her up and pacing isn't a big deal, BUT I feel we need to help her learn how to wind down from these outbursts without us pacing the hallways.
Would you walk away? Pace? Or just sit quietly with a reassuring arm around her? Something else? I'd like to do something consistently.
TIA...you're fab!
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Peace
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 8:30am |
Olivia did try the whole "I'm gonna die if your don't pick me up NOW!" at around the same age when she got to that transition of crawling to walking.
I sat down though LOL! She didn't like it at first either and had a couple of moans about it.
I was operating under the impression that I am rather happy to go down to her level, but inviting her up to mine will just be a slight PITA especially when I want to do adult activities like cooking at the hot stove.
She still does it from time to time as well and I don't mind picking her up to comfort her if I am zooming about, otherwise I am just down at her level offering comfort.
Every kid is different though, do what's best for you
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SMoody
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 8:47am |
Okay was wondering about you and your gorgeous girl after reading the daily routine ect and actually thought about something.
You said she was like this since birth right? Now I might be asking some personal questions and if you rather answer in pm I dont mind at all or even if you tell me to bugger off or if you answer it to yourself.
She was like this since birth?
Do you co-sleep or not?
Did you carry her a lot when she was really small?
Did she have loads of time of just left in the cot to settle herself or somewhere else?
Is she like this when you are not around?
Like say you leave her with your partner and leave for a bit is she like this with him as well?
Reason why I am asking is that some babies actually has a high need for physical contact with their primary caregiver. McKayla started turning like this after we moved with her at 7 weeks but she was also like this since birth. Will only go to sleep if on your shoulder and if you put your pillowcase on her cot she will go gladly asleep then. She needed our smell ect.
Now some of these kids need this right up and until they are ready to let go. Might mean age 2 or age 4 or whatever. The more we try and let them go to be independant the more they will grizzle ect as they themselves are not ready to let go.
What sometimes help if when they are small is to let them in your bed. ( I know for some families this is a big no no and that is fine)
Others put their kids in a sling and carry them part of the day.
Or let them have their day nap either on your bed or in the lounge near you.
Let Dad take over part of the care. Like say take over the bath routine totally so you get a bit of time totally for yourself and they get use to it slowly that other people can take care of you too.
I hope you dont take offence and I can perhaps be totally wrong here as I dont know you or your girl that well. But maybe this will be food for thought.
I know it is a bit more difficult as she is a bit more older. I do have a sling for you that is for newborn to toddlers of 3 if you want to borrow it and perhaps see if she settles a bit better if you do housework with her in it. Maybe give it a go?
What I do when McKayla has a raging fit is to hold her if she lets me. If she kicks and hit out of frustration I put her on the bed or the couch and just sit close to her and wait until she is calm and then she usually wants a huge hug.
However if she throws a tantrum because I reprimanded her for something she knows she is not allowed to do and she starts I just leave her where she is and continue with what I was doing. I dont pay attention to a tantrum like that. When she is calm she usually comes to me and I tell her why I said no ect and she just hug me.
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FionaS
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:04am |
Hi Shirena. Answers to your questions:
She was like this since birth? Since 2 weeks of age
Do you co-sleep or not? No, she HATES being in the bed...even now will scream and fight until I let her out. She LOVES her own bed and is very happy there. Talks and coo's her way off to sleep.
Did you carry her a lot when she was really small? Tried front pack + sling and she hated them. She has always hated being constrained and would fight and fight until let loose.
Did she have loads of time of just left in the cot to settle herself or somewhere else? No, never left her to cry it out. Stayed with her to keep her calm until she was asleep. Is very very good at self-settling and doesn't cry or grizzle(only occassionally when with her Nana).
Is she like this when you are not around? Yes.
Like say you leave her with your partner and leave for a bit is she like this with him as well? Yes
:)
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Two Blondinis
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:04am |
Caitlin has only just started to throw tantrums, which I think that is what Elle has done for a very long time, too clever that one!
Don't we have demanding Little Princess'!
The ONLY thing that works for us is to ignore her! Harsh I know but they need to know that you're not going to jump for every demand (unless it's a necessary like food, drink, change nappy etc).
With any behaviour that is not acceptable (she's also started screatching (sp?) and biting!) I turn my back on her (and if I'm honest, it absolutely breaks my heart every time  ) but it is starting to work.
Give that a go for a bit, you might end up with hour long tanties at first but if she doesn't get her desired effect (you doing what she wants, when she wants) she'll get bored with it (hopefully).
It's harsh but not as harsh as time out (never works for us) so it's a happy medium.
Hope that helps you Fiona
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FionaS
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:09am |
And don't worry Shirena, I appreciate your comments. I do get people who blame me and assume that it must be my fault but I know (try to convince myself) that their intentions are good.
Not looking for a solution to the grizzling as I don't think there is one...just wondering how to deal with the BIG upsets as illustrated in my first post...pick up, cuddle quietly or walk away.
At present she does spend a lot of time being carried while I do things but I need 2 hands for somethings.
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james
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:18am |
big big hug hun this is in no way your falut james is a high needs (big cuddley type) and i did what you are doing hopefully she will grow out of this i had to send james to daycare as he was sooo clingly he would goto any one but me at 8 months and hes gotta better as the time has past and now loves going again bigt hugs and your doing a great job
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FionaS
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:21am |
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:47am |
Rescue remedy?? You can give that to kiddos right??
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Two Blondinis
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 10:16am |
nikkiwhyte wrote:
Rescue remedy?? You can give that to kiddos right?? |
Yes you can (and I give it to Caitlin when she's about to have her jabs, along with Pamol) you can also give it to animals too apparently.
Fiona - She used to throw herself on the floor and roll around like the world was out to get her for a good 20 minutes.
Now she just screams, throws her arms up as a pre-tanty warning and looks me in the eye as if to say "here I go lady! Are ya ready?  " lol
I just look right back at her, tell her "NO!" to whatever it was that sparked the tanty and turn away. She tries to get in front of me but I just keep turning away or I'll walk away.
I read somewhere (Toddler Taming I think it was?!?!) that they like to have an audience. It's not worth the effort of a tanty if there's no one watching.
It really is just a battle of wills and as the parent you have to stamp your CALM authority on the situation before they learn they can run rings around you.
There has to be a balance though I think of allowing them to have their strong personality but still allow you to have some control.
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kezplanet
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 11:29am |
Sorry I havn't read all the replies so I hope I don't repeat
***CONGRATULATIONS AND WELL DONE***
The hardest part is to leave them to it, I went thru and are going thru the 'same sort of thing' with the girls and the only way we got thru it was by being consistant in what we did & not giving in - unless there was a reason or they are going to hurt themselves which hasn't happend yet (touch wood).
Be brave, be strong you are doing a great job!!
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SMoody
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 11:46am |
FionaS wrote:
And don't worry Shirena, I appreciate your comments. I do get people who blame me and assume that it must be my fault but I know (try to convince myself) that their intentions are good.
Not looking for a solution to the grizzling as I don't think there is one...just wondering how to deal with the BIG upsets as illustrated in my first post...pick up, cuddle quietly or walk away.
At present she does spend a lot of time being carried while I do things but I need 2 hands for somethings.
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Aaah I didnt mean at all that this is your fault at all. I think as moms we blame ourselves way too much for our kids and half of the time it is just a normal developmental stage they go through.
Is it perhaps that she is really frustrated not being able to do stuff herself perhaps? Like perhaps she wants to make her own choices about stuff and dont have so much control over it. Like she wants to chose when she wants a cuddle from you and it seems to be perhaps when you have to do something else. Perhaps she is trying to force her way and to tell you now it is time to cuddle and I dont care what you are doing right now.
She is getting to the age that they are going to start wanting their own way which generally ends in a tantrum due to frustration.
Only thing is to give her some limited choices and certain freedoms and to respect those choices. Like say for instance you can chose between these 2 set of clothes ect.
Otherwise just ride it out and say to yourself this stage shall pass too. I think perhaps you have a really really intelligent child on your hands.
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Two Blondinis
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 11:59am |
I totally agree with Shirena! I think we both have a couple of very independant young ladies on our hands! Caitlin knows what she wants to do (like putting on shoes & feeding herslef) and she does try really hard and for ages I'll leave her to it, but sometimes the frustration just gets a bit much for them to deal with which starts the tantrum then I read that they can then scare themselves with their own rage and the tantrum escalates because they don't know how to snap out of it  Poor babies!
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busymum
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 8:18pm |
I agree with most of what Shirena said too. A really good series of books on child development (helps put their actions into words!) is "Your Child at Play", it's at our local library so check out yours sometime.
I'd aim to ensure that every morning and every afternoon she gets a decent amount of quality time with you (or caregiver, if you are at work at that time) doing something she likes to do. Preferably something of a learning variety so she can then do it by herself if she wants. Reading books, basic puzzles if she's ready for that, water play, etc. If she's cuddly, put her close to you and/or on your knee. And don't get distracted during that time (20 mins or so, depending on how she does).
Help set up situations where she can choose things. She can choose one top over the other (hold up two) or different colour cups, what shoes to wear when you go out, if she wants to be carried or hold your hand when you go in/out the grocery store etc. Don't bombard her with choices but allow some situations where she can make decisions.
If she seems to be getting frustrated/screaming/tantying over a situation where it seems that she and you aren't understanding each other, come close, use a gentle voice, and try to help her put into words - probably yes/no questions for her age ("you don't want the blue top? and you want it off?").
As for the other tanties etc, or in this house we say "making a fuss" (it's usually crying at the drop of a hat in our house atm, rather than tanties), I'd ignore them. Just walk away and get busy and let her come for a cuddle when she wants to. You could say "come have a cuddle when you are ready" and then leave. And don't say anything else until she is settling down. I know it seems really harsh but she'll probably try you a few times and then you'll find her tantying doesn't go on as long (cause it doesn't pay off). IMO cause she is past 1yr she is also past the pacing etc stage.
Hope there's something in there for you to try!
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FionaS
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 8:53pm |
She has been so tired lately, needing sleep after only 1 hour up each awake time and she just wants to be carried ALLLLLLLLLLL the time when we are at home. If I don't pick her up she cries like the world is ending and follows me around and shakes the legs of my trousers.
We are going for an iron test tomorrow as she is pale with dark circles around her eyes too (doesn't eat much of anything either).
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busymum
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:07pm |
Every hour!?!?  Is she coming down with something?
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FionaS
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:26pm |
She does manage to stretch out to 2 hours up but not more...and then sleeps 2 to 3 hours. Don't think she is coming down with something, she's been this way for weeks.
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busymum
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 9:34pm |
Bah - keep getting spam message!
Let us know how the test goes then, sounds like she might be. Feeling tired all the time certainly won't help her grizzliness
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kezplanet
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Posted: 23 October 2007 at 10:47pm |
Good luck for tomorrow Fiona, I hope you find something out that will help
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buzimumto3boys
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Posted: 24 October 2007 at 7:32am |
Hi Fiona... I go through something similar with my DS... he does go and play on his own if I ignore him enough or he gets distracted by something (like going outside) though at times he has massive melt downs and wants to sit on my knee or for me to carry him everywhere! My DH is constantly moaning that I am always carrying him etc.
Im sorry I dont have too much advice! but wanted you to know you are not alone! I have heard of a baby who was the same and it turned out they had glue ear! I have had my boy checked out and it is nothing to do with that - though it doesnt help that he has been sick alot in the last few months!
I would perhaps try and ignore her more... thats what I have started to do.. and it seems to be working. It breaks my heart though I need some sanity and as Im returning to work soon I need him to be less dependant on me!
I hope that made sense... Im a bit sleep deprived today!
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