Flatmate issues

We moved in with a friend a few months ago and I’m pretty sure our friendship has now been ruined because I don't really want anything to do with her anymore.

A few months ago DH and I were looking for a new home because our little townhouse was too small for the 3 of us now that our little lady is an active toddler plus we wanted a flat fully fenced section before summer. My friend needed a place to live because she'd recently found out that she was pregnant and the father (her on again off again boyfriend of a couple of years) broke up with her - nice guy aye! She asked if she could move with us.

It seemed like a mutually beneficial situation. We could help each other with rent and bills plus we could help out with her baby when it comes but we were pretty reluctant to have a flatmate because it had been 10 years since we last flatted and also we were worried about the baby’s father popping around. We didn't know him because although they'd dated for a couple of years he'd never bothered to meet her friends, but from what she'd told us he was a heavy drinker (who is happy to drive home from the pub inebriated) and a regular recreational drug user with a short and violent temper (which she had born the brunt of).

So before we agreed to start flat hunting with her DH and I sat down with her one afternoon and basically aired our concerns. DH said that at the moment, with just the 3 of us having a home together we have complete control over who comes into our daughter’s life but the concern is that inviting a 4th person to live with us we can’t control who she brings into our home. He acknowledged we can’t control who she’s friends with but we would only live with her on the condition that her baby’s father is not invited into our home. She agreed whole heartedly at the time. We found a perfect home with a self contained flat downstairs for my friend to live in and moved in a few months ago.

Then over the last few months she started talking to her baby’s father again they are getting on well and I suspect they might be dating again but I don’t think she’d admit it to me – not that it matters, it’s none of my business who she’s friends with or who she dates, she’s a grown woman for goodness sake. DH started getting concerned that he’d start hanging around our place so I assured him that she’d made a promise and she’s one of my best friends and wouldn’t break a promise. Although I did point out to DH that as the baby’s father he has rights to see his child and we have no say in who goes into her self contained flat. DH was doing my head in going on about it so I broached the subject with my friend just before Christmas and she assured me that she wasn’t going to be inviting him around.

Then yesterday afternoon she had a party upstairs at our house (because hers is too small). I walked out of my bedroom and guess who was standing in my garden making jokes with her mother about the time he got so angry he pinned her down while he grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her hair. I was furious. I told my husband who it was and we grabbed our daughter and left immediately without saying a word because I didn’t want to make a scene but basically we were driven out of our own home by her insensitivity. We came back after a few hours because we had to sort out dinner etc but we didn’t rejoin the party (I cleaned my kitchen and DH made dinner instead) and I certainly didn’t talk to him (or her for that matter).

So maybe I am totally overreacting. I understand that people can change but I think what annoys me most is that she made a promise in November, reiterated the promise in December and broke the promise yesterday. Can I actually trust her? Why couldn’t she just tell us he had been invited? Last week she told me several times who was coming and his name was never mentioned, if it had been we could have made other plans for our daughter.

I could cry every time I think about it – partly because DH can now say “I told you so”, bugger it. I hate it when I’m wrong and he’s right.

What do I do now?

I can’t just cut her off completely, she does live downstairs (and I can’t afford to buy her out - bond and rent is too costly) plus I’ve loaned her all my baby stuff which I want back in a good condition but I don’t want her to think that it’s ok to have him upstairs in my home whenever she wants. It’s none of my business who she’s friend with and who she has in her flat but he’s not welcome anywhere near my child, I know I can’t shelter her forever but at nearly two I really don’t think she needs to hang out with irresponsible alcoholic druggies.

Edited by The_Stuarts

perhaps you could sit down with her and let her know yur concerns and how this makes you feel?
I cant say ive been in this situation, but i have had a couple of troublesome flatmates live with us in our home and understnad how difficult it can be if the flatmate is a close friend *hugs*

My our house is almost completely separate from her flat, separate front entrance, yards etc (only connected because part of our lounge floor is the ceiling over the baby's room) so we could just lock our doors. She has a key to the rear entrance so we would have to chain that but I think I need to clear the air like almostthere and kebakat said. I just don't know how to broach it with her.

Edited by The_Stuarts

Everything has pretty much been said but jut wanted to offer you big cyber hugs and bst of luck for sorting that out! Really does sound like a tricky situation.

You say this...

x, I just need a quick word with you. I know we have discussed this a couple of times and in November and decmber you promised that Y would not be allowed in my home.

I saw him at the party and I felt let down because you had made a promise to me.

i can't stop you from seeing who you want, or who comes and goes from your place, but it is important to me that i feel happy with whoever is in my home.

I would like you to know that I will be changing locks/locking dorors as I feel uncomfortatble knowing that y will be around and in your place, while my place is open to him.

Thanks for your time.

Wow sounds tough... we were looking at places in Wellington a while back, but it just isn't feasible while DF is studying everything there is so expensive. I am SO sick of not having a backyard for Seb to run around in.

I hope you sort this out ok - I would definately change that lock.

LOL yeah - IMO she should be very grateful for what she's got... I know how hard it is to find a small place in Wellington. And NO ONE wants to flat with a baby!

We all rent together but my name is on the tenancy.

OK new question. How on earth do you sit her down to have a serious conversation when she doesn't come home.

She's been staying with one of our mutual friends. She popped home briefly during dinner time yesterday but only long enough to pack a bag and leave again (and didn't pop upstairs to ours at all although the mutual friend popped in to say hello). I am beginning to get the distinct impression she is avoiding us, why else would a grown woman who lives in a self contained flat stay at a friends for several nights?

Maybe she is already looking elsewhere then - might indeed be time to think about a new flatmate.

Glad the door is locked now :)