Postnatal Depression

Hi all
I have PND. Its horrible. I feel so lost and so useless and incapable and cannot see positives anymore....with my kids and the future. It all seems like a huge stress and mountain.

I have started medication and am struggling to feed Brennan as seem to have lost my appetite all together and he is a very unsettled baby but is putting on weight.

I am getting no sleep and am totally buggered.

I dont have a lot of support as in a Mother to come in and take over til I come out the other end......and Hubby cant take time off work anymore as had lots of when Brennan was born...he works long hours.

Im keen to know how those of you that had it survived and carried on and stopped having the horrible thoughts and regrets..............

I have even had the thought of adopting him....

I know it all sounds stupid but its kind of a way for me to acknowledge how this is for me and know that I will get some people that have probably had the same type of thing......

Kelly!
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
It doesn't sound in the least bit stupid to me, I went through it after having Ella.
I found myself looking at her and wanting to cry whenever she smiled at me because I didn't feel anything for her.
I had some very dark times when it was all I could do not to leave her outside in the garden, or just to walk out the door and just disappear so that DH could find someone better to bring her up. DH thought I was joking but that was genuinely how I felt. And I hated myself for thinking that way and for not being the mother she deserved.
I struggled on, not eating and not coping. For the first 3 months, it was all I could do to get us up and dressed by the time DH got home from work.
I was too proud to admit I wasn't coping and didn't seek help. It was so stupid and looking back I regret not asking for help. I feel that Ella and I both missed out on so much because I was stuck in that black hole.
As Emma said, for me it was a process too. I can vividly remember when she was 6 months old, realising that I wasn't feeling so bad. I remember looking at her and feeling that overwhelming love and beginning to enjoy her.
I slowly began to cope again. I felt less overwhelmed by the house and it's jobs and I started to venture out places.
As I didn't seek help the first time, I can't really advise you on what helps, except to say that you've got to have hope that it will get better. It really will chicky.
I've heard such good things about MMH. A friend of mine had a respite nurse come in to help her when she was struggling with PND after her second baby. She had no family nearby for support either so MMH arranged the nurse so she could sleep and have some time out to look after herself. It sounds like you could do with some of that!
I wish I could be more helpful Kelly, I feel for you, going through all this. Sending you huge love and hugs xxx

I have a respite nurse coming in too a couple of nights a week, it's a big help. Even tho she can't do much with Chiara coz Chiara is pretty good at night and won't take a bottle so no one else can feed her, but she gets up to the gremlins coz they aren't sleeping thru and she helps get them organised in the morning before the school run, she's here 10pm till 7.30am.
Like CaraMel I can remember an exact moment when I suddenly realised I did actually like the gremlins after all, they were 8 mths old and sitting on the kitchen floor playing with a bowl of blocks.Up until then I just felt completely numb to them, I didn't want to hurt them or anything like that, I just didn't feel anything at all for them.

Wow Emma I've never heard of anythng like help coming in through the night, that's great. I take it you get that with having 3 under 2?

Although I was never been diagnosed with PND looking back I have often wondered if that's what it was. The worst period of darkness for me was from when DS2 was 6wks till 4mnths but got many a long dark week after that too. I wouldn't admit that I wasn't coping to anyone else but DH who's answer was "harden up". I can remember wanting to drive into a lamppost to make everything go quiet and stop and running away and leaving my family was constantly on my mind. I snapped a couple fo times with some really bad results which I still and probably never will tell DH about (although afterwards I did call him to come home and deal with the kids but never said what happened), I never hurt them but was scared I could or would of. This should have been enough for me to talk to someone else but my mum has Bi-Polar and I was scared to be like her. It wasn't until recently that I have been able to talk to anyone about it which is a good thing. I had really bad sleep deprivation getting only a couple of hours of broken sleep a night for months one end. It;s amazing how it's soo hard to deal with anything when you're sleep deprived. I learnt from this that A:) sleep is the most important thing in helping cope, whether that be an afternoon one on the weekends when DH is home, and B:) take ANY offers of help you can. If someone can drop the older kids to school/kindy etc so you don't have to be out the door at a certain time, that's great, taking bubs for a walk so you can rest, even better, or even someone to talk to and vent to professional or not....keep on posting on OB!!

For me, this time round I was petrified of having #3 due to how I felt last time, I didn't want my kids and I found it soo hard to deal with those feelings and guilt. I have got support that I actually use (and sometimes feel rely on a bit too much)this time and DD sleeps, amazing the difference.

A long post with the main thing to say is that you're not alone, you're not a horrible mum and it really does get better

Fantastic facilities available if you know about them and can get access to them. Great that you have got that support in place Emma, and recognising triggers like lack of sleep is a big thing cause then you can hopefully work on sorting them.

LOL I just PMed you

It comes from Maternal Mental Health. They do have a waiting list but depending on the urgency they can see you sooner, just ask your GP for a referral. You'll be assigned a key worker and then other people as neccessary (I also have a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I see the mothercraft nurse attached to the unit) and they can organise respite care if neccessary.

Hello
Been back at Doc today for lots of tests and questions and she believes I also have an infection somewhere as high temp and blood in urine....She is thinking possibly some placenta left in uterus so will get results back tomorrow and if high counts will arrange immediate Ultrasound...
Upd my dose of pills and has referred me to MMH as has midwife.
Still struggling with breastfeeding but dont want to give Brennan formula but do have bottle and a couple of satchets...M/W coming back on Wed to weigh him and make decision about what we will do with his feeding.......


Poor baby is covered in spots and lumps and bumps all because my body is all over the place....

Yes it does get better but it's a slow process. Don't give up. You'll be surprised at how strong you've been when you look back on it all. I've been on meds 3 months and I'm really only just feeling 'normal' for long stretches this last week.



ETA: You don't sound silly at all - I can totally relate and I promise you that you're not a bad person and you don't need to 'harden up'

Edited by Bobbie