Infants and Separation

Hi All
Hopefully, there will be watchers out there who have some knowledge in this area. My partner and I have recently separated and we have a 7 month old girl who is the light of our lives. I (Mum) am really struggling with the thought of letting my wee girl stay overnight at her Dad's, feeling that she is still too young for that yet. Currently, she goes to Dad's after work until bedtime (when she gets bought back to mine) a couple of times a week, but I cant determine whether my concerns are valid or an overprotectiveness on my part.   Can anyone help? Thank you!

I'm not sure why you are worried .. (as I cant tell from your original post).

Her Dad is her Dad .. and obviously has some experience with bringing up his daughter, knows how to change her, feed her and settle her, so I wouldnt have any qualms if it was me.

It is hard to know from your post whether you're worried "just because" (like any new Mum would be if their baby was away for a night) or if you're worried because you genuinely don't think your ex is capable or something else.

BUT, if it's just worries that DD will be unsettled, I would be inclined to agree with lilfatty here. And if you want your ex to be involved with DD in the future then her being used to being with him overnight now is surely a good thing? Only thing I can think of in that sense is possible night feeds if you're still BF, as lilfatty said.

I guess you know your daughter and whether it's truly unsettling for HER or whether it's more just you IYKWIM?

What's the worst that can happen? If she stayed away you will probably worry for the first night and possible your ex will call you for help in the middle of the night but on the plus side it could all be fine and the next time it will get easier

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.  Our daughter was over a year old before we even let anyone baby sit her for a few hours.  She was over 2yo before I let her stay overnight anywhere.  In my case that was motherly overprotectiveness.  I'm not sure if you feel the same way or if there are additional concerns unmentioned but I agree with Babe.

 

Babe wrote: If DDs dad is keen to look after her then I'd trial it as long as there weren't any safety concerns. If it doesn't work out and shes too unsettled then put it off for a while.

 

I would just ensure that Dad knows that he can call you anytime of day or night with any concerns and that you are happy for him to drop her back early if he needs to (but ensure you don't say it in a demeaning way because you want him to feel empowered to look after your DD and also seek your support if required).

I have been through this and it is tough! My ex and I split when DS was four months old and between then and the time he went to Australia when he was 16 months old, he had him on and off every second weekend.

The more you let your ex have your baby overnight the easier it gets. Just make sure you explain in detail to them exactly what your babys routine is and call them at night and first thing in the morning to check in.

I worried about Sam the whole time my ex had him, but I think it's a good idea to let your ex have your baby overnight and I feel 7 months isn't too young for a child to be with their father. Different story if it's a babysitter you hardly know or other family.    

And to be honest, the break really does you good.

Thanks everyone for your valid feedback. As a bit more background info, my daughter has needed settling every night (although last night was the first night in her life she has slept right through! wooho!) I was always the one who was up settling her when my partner and I were still together (as well as much of everything else), so my concern is not so much that Dad is not capable, (although has always lacked the patience) but that in the middle of the night when suddenly Im not there and Dad is trying to settle baby, she will be either scared or upset and the knock on effect this may have.

Please dont think I am trying to keep Dad from Baby or vice versa - I have stayed in the area away from family and friends to encourage the relationship and in fact, push contact at all possible times. I just feel this is a huge step that should be thoroughly considered where possible.

Thanks again for the feedback - I like the reminder that things can always be trialled and if they arent working, they can be re-evaluated!

First of all, im really sorry your going through this

my daughter's father and I broke up before she was born , however she would stay at her house from the time she was a month old, she was fine , but thats probably because she had to get used to it from an early age , also he was living with his partner (now wife ) who has always been really good with Caitlyn , and her parents .
I know people will think that was far too young , but hey , shes fine, hasn't done her any long term damage, shes one of the most confident self assured children I know .

Perhaps in your situation , ease her (and yourself ) into it , instead of over night stays , perhaps she can go there during the day each weekend, or every second weekend

Edited by caitlynsmygirl