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Parki 
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Auckland
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 Topic: Grrr DH vent!
Posted: 29 April 2009 at 9:52am |
Hi Ladies,
Apolgies in advance for my novel vent!
Is it just my DH or are there others out there who seem hot & cold about having a baby?
Don't get me wrong, DH is really excited to be a Dad but I think sometimes he has minor freak outs and starts to backtrack!
I feel like I am doing everything I possibly can to make this happen and some days he does and other days its like he has changed his mind.
For e.g. My DH plays rugby and is required obviously to be in the best condition for the game - His coach put a 'sex restriction' on the team the night before each game, which this month hgappened to be teh day I was ovulating. When I initiated BD I was shot down and told he had to play rugby! Um excuse me?
Am I being unreasonable in thinking that using this once a month chance to conceive is more important than a rubgy game?
Then other days all I hear about is 'When we have a baby, this, that & the other etc"...
Another thing that is irritating me is that we are currently starting the long & expensive process with Fertility Associates and while he is all for the 'end result' he is lacking enthusiasim for the 'getting there' process.
We requires tests etc and he moans about them and moans about the time I made for the next appt, and all that sort of stuff.
I feel like now that it is getting more real he is starting to backtrack and it is starting to anger me which is the last thing I want!
Any thoughts on how I can talk to him or sort the situation before it escalates?
TIA
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Treen
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Joined: 06 July 2008
Location: Clevedon, Auckland
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:08am |
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Hi Parki, did he know it was your OV day? Perhaps if you were BDing the nights before, he felt that was enough to catch the window? I can't really offer any advice, sorry, as my DH is the exact opposite. He wants a baby more than anything. But that in turn makes me angry. I can feel his eyes drilling into me if I pour myself a wine, he over cooks my steak "in preparation" and worries about me exercising in the 2WW among other things. Sounds like we need a healthy balance between the two, Parki!
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Parki
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Auckland
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:14am |
Ha ha Treen I think you are right!
I did mention to him that I was ovulating which is why I was irritated!
The thing that annoys me the most is that its different daily, he came home a couple of weeks ago with a baby book he had bought from a door to door salesman at work which totally melted me.... Then he changes and asked if he thought we should go travelling before we have a baby..... AFTER our fertility appointment! WTF! 
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fire_engine
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Joined: 03 November 2007
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:25am |
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Cold feet? Fear? I wonder if he's a bit stressed about the FA process - worried about tests/intrusiveness (much more for you than him!)/implications ...... The flip-flopping makes me think it might be stress related.
I would recommend talking about it - nice dinner, bottle of wine, no TV in the background .... Other strategies we use are to go out for a drink and talk about it, or do it via email. Sounds impersonal but it can be really helpful when addressing emotive topics. JMO.
Good luck!
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Mum to two wee boys
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Roses are Red
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Joined: 07 May 2008
Location: Napier
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:32am |
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I told my DH that I wanted to have another child by email. It sounds cold but it gave me a chance to get all mythoughts out without yelling at him or him managing to distract me. He replied to all my points by email too. For us it was a good way to discuss something that at the time we disagreed on without me losing it and getting emotional or annoyed.
It has taken about 3 months but now DH is happy about the idea and we are in the TWW.
Maybe your DH is worried about what the FA will shoe, some men feel they are inadequate if it is their sperm that is the reason for not concieving. Maybe up till now it was just fate or not "his fault" and now the reality that it could be his fault is too much to accept at the moment.
Good luck
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Shezzey
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Joined: 24 January 2009
Location: Swanson, West Auckland
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:46am |
Hi Parki, maybe he is a bit like my dp was... my dp didnt know that there are only a few specific days of the month that makes it possible for you to fall pregnant.
Also, when my dp was umming and ahhing about having a baby, i told him to imagine his little boy playing golf or rugby and he liked that idea.
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Shezzey
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:49am |
ps. my dp is 30 and thinks 35 is the right time for him to have children!
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Parki
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 11:06am |
Shezhoping - Initially DH had no clue what it took (apart from the obvious) to have a baby but after trying for almost two years and going through various different types of processes to fall pregnant he def knows the ins & outs now!
I feel like maybe another factor could be that all his friends are child/marriage free! We are the only couple in our 'group' who are married and planning a baby, the rest are still travelling or living the single life... That may be a contributing factor to his 'freak outs'?
The thing is, I would fully understand if he just told me he didn't want to have a baby yet and while I would really disappointed I would understand and sure as heck NEVER force it onto him. But that's not the case 80% of the time.
He was the one who suggested we start trying in the first place, he is the one who suggested we start the ball rolling at Fertility Assoc and many other things that had me thinking he was 100% in this decision..
Its just recently that he has given me reason to think he is doubting things?
I guess the only thing I can do is ask him and talk about it??
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Treen
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 11:08am |
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Yeah, men tend to be ready to have kids at 35+. Generally speaking.
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Treen
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 11:20am |
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If you've been TTC for 2 years, sounds like he's just a little over it every now and then. I get like that, too. TTC is exhausting and puts a lot of stress on a couple. BDing becomes a chore and for us, it can lose a bit of passion. Definitely talk to him, but personally, I'd try to keep it quite casual as if you go all deep on him, you might just be adding stress to the situation and it could flare up into an argument where he thinks you're trying to attack him.
IMHO, I think your DH does want kids, but he's just over the wait. I can totally relate to that. I don't think he's doubting things, Parki, just perhaps he's more stressed about TTC than he realises.
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JD
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 2:30pm |
Hi Parki
Maybe he's feeling a bit like his "manhood" is being threatened because you haven't fallen pregnant yet??? Or maybe he is anxious about the tests that you will go through with FA??
I think what some of the others said about communicating...by email or letter is a good idea. You can get everything out without him interupting and it will give him a chance to process how you are feeling and maybe put words to how he is feeling.
hopefully it happens for you soon
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Shezzey
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 6:27pm |
Hi Treen, my dp thinks 35 and then changes his mind too, lol ... but I can't wait that long because I am 40 and the ole biological clock is ticking very fast lol
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PixieL
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Posted: 29 April 2009 at 10:38pm |
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Oh I hear you on the sport thing. My DH says that too. Isn't it silly! How could that makes any difference! Any how would the bloody coach know anyway!
Edited by PixieL
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newbride
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Posted: 01 May 2009 at 11:04am |
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ohh this is so near to me.
My DH annoys me on this too. One moment he is all keen for having a baby and then it is like no we can't afford to have one etc. I mean one moment he tells me to go off the pill then the next month he is like go back on the pill .. I have told him that I can't keep going on /off the pill every month and have said it's all or nothing and now it is up to you as I am off the pill you can take the precautions necessary if you are not ready.
I think it is also to do with the man freaking out that they now will have more than one mouth to feed
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Babe
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Posted: 01 May 2009 at 1:26pm |
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Well my DP says no for atleast another 6 months so I'm sympathetic. Hope it works out for you hun x
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astral_monkey
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Posted: 01 May 2009 at 2:57pm |
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Hey Parki, sounds a lot like what I went through with DH before we got married. Mostly it was just me picking up on his lack of enthusiasm for the planning and details, than him not wanting to do it. I found if I gave him a break from the planning (eased off on the wedding talk etc) he was far easier to deal with.
You've just got to let him work through his issues. When he starts suggesting things like travel before kids etc. just let him work the idea over in his head. It sounds to me like he definitely wants kids, but there are things that he's not going to be able to do when you have them. He needs to realise that the grass is green on both sides of the fence, but only one of the fields has cute little lambs! You can't force this, he's got to realise it for himself.
Chin up, things will work out.
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Grrr DH vent!
Angel March 2011 
