Torn

I'll try this again, hopefully more anonymously this time! (If you know who I am, please don't out me. I'm really not ready to talk about this IRL)

I don't know what to do and I'm in a mess.
I'm pregnant again, very much unplanned and it does not feel like good news.
I am absolutely torn up inside with thinking about what to do about this and the implications that either choice will have for me.

I keep coming up with so many reasons why I shouldn't have this baby. All of them are real and make sense.
I'm so scared of making the wrong choice though. I
keep feeling like I have come to a decision and then a few hours later I swing the opposite way again.
I have always been pro choice but the idea of terminating this pregnancy seems so selfish and callous because this child is my other children's brother or sister. How could I say no to them when we love and enjoy their older siblings so much?
But on the other hand, having this child will have such a huge impact on our chidren's lives.
I know I will find it so hard to manage and I am petrified of taking the stress from the pregnancy/new baby out on them. I know that I will find it very hard to cope and honestly feel that if I did go through with having the child I will need to pre-emptively go on anti-depressants.
Emotionally I am already attatched though. I can't think of this baby as just a collection of cells multiplying. I keep remembering the feeling that giving birth to our children gave, the pure love that I felt cuddling them and I think, how could doing that again be bad?
I'm scared of the impact that it will have on my marriage. My husband is so loving and supportive, either way. He is awesome.
I'm scared of how it will change things with us though. The extra tiredness, the extra stress. Not to mention all the extra flab and stretch marks if my last baby was anything to measure by.
I feel so selfish thinking like that though, I feel like an awful selfish person for struggling so much with this.
I mean, a baby is a blessing and this one would be so loved if I did have him or her, but I'm just so scared of screwing up the lives we have now.
I just don't know what to do.
I just don't want to make this decision.
I know that no one else can tell me what the right choice is, I guess I just needed to get it out of my head and hopefully get some advice from others who have been in similar situations?

Firstly, *BIGHUGS* to you! You sound like you sure need them at the moment.

You sound EXACTLY like I did with my first baby (yes, okay it was my first, but it didnt mean that I wanted him).
I think maybe you might need to go talk to someone of the professional pursuasion. Not trying to be rude or anything of course :) But they might be able to help you out with some of these upsetting things that you're thinking. I know how hard it is to try and make a desision on what to do with a baby, I very very nearly came close to terminating my pregnancy with Thomas, purely because I didnt want to ruin what I had with my husband - we'd only been together for 6 months. Of course I did end up keeping him, and you have a completely different situation, but you know what I mean. Does your other half know that you're pregnant? If he does, what does he think? He might be really supportive and help you make the right desision for YOU. Not for anyone else.
I know that probably doesnt help at all, its a hard one. i just hope you're getting all the support and love that you need!!!

Unfortunately I haven't got any advice etc. Just wanted to send you lots of hugs and warm thoughts!

My thoughts are try to get hold of someone 'professional' to talk it through with. Nothing bad can come of that, and you never know, they hopefully will be able to help you sort your thoughts out.

Sounds like you shouldn't make any rush decisions either way though, until you have thought it through and talked to some people. Posting on here is a good start, and I am so glad you did. Some of the ladies on here will be able to help you I'm sure, so many amazing people on here who have been through so many things.

Don't feel alone, there will be a few people on this forum alone who would have had thoughts similar to this, neverminds heaps of people in NZ in general.

I hope you don't mind, I tried to find a few websites online who specialise in helping woman who are pregnant and need a little support for themselves/their families.
Pregnancy Help Inc
Mother's Matter Mother's matter is a site mainly for post natal depression. I wouldn't have a clue if this could be something which may be affecting you, but as someone said earlier, knowledge helps. I know I was also directed to this website when my Dr said I couldn't come off anti-depressants while pregnant, so it has a lot of information about anything to do with feeling 'down' while being pregnant.

Continue to reach out for help, and remember you're not alone. Big hugs and warm wishes.