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busymum 
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 Topic: I’m struggling
Posted: 30 March 2007 at 8:46am |
It's day 4 of home help (Lorna) and I'm really struggling with it. I'm usually so independent but now I have a constant shadow 8 hours of the day, six days a week. She has to stay within earshot so I can call her if I need help. She is a help, but everything's done funny and I don't want to be too picky about it, but then she'll be here for 5 1/2 more weeks so... grrrr I'm so frustrated!
But I'm also struggling a bit with my identity. I know that sounds silly but Lorna's role is not limited to dishes and washing and doing all those things. Every time Krystiana goes to bed and Lorna's here, Lorna puts her to bed. Lorna gets her up. Lorna wipes the kids' hands after meals and gets Briona in and out of the highchair. Lorna even reads stories and does colouring in (if she didn't, she'd be bored anyway lol). I can read stories too but that's almost my limit of all those things. The only thing I do that Lorna doesn't do is nappy change... and thank goodness I can dress myself.
Then Briona's bed got made with cot sheets and all the girls' clothes got put in Krystiana's drawers and the dishwasher gets turned on about 4 times a day when I usually do 1-2 loads and all the dishes are done!
I just needed to vent a bit. It's really difficult for me at the moment and it feels like so long to go. 
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thunderwolves
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 8:57am |
I feel for you, its so hard to have someone in your space, doing your things,
Cant even really say anything to make you feel better, but hang in there,
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EllenMumof2
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 9:13am |
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LuluBelle85
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 9:18am |
Big Hugs to you!!!
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caraMel
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 9:20am |
Poor you Teresa!
I'd have a very hard time with letting go of that control too, as much as I complain about having to do half those things, and especially when she's doing things 'wrong'!
I hope that it gets a little easier as time goes on, and we'll all be here to listen to you vent in the meantime!
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Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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Skyflame
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 9:28am |
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Hang in there and hopefully the time will pass quickly.
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 9:35am |
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Teresa, this is coming from my mum who has had nearly 15 years of home help (due to injury), tell her she is doing it wrong and tell her how you like things to be done. It is her job to do it they way you like it done. Turning the dish washer on 4 times a day is going to increase your power bill and you are the one who has to pay so let her know you only turn it one twice a day and when its full (if you do it like that). tell her that the girls clothes go in their room and in their own drawers (even go with her and show her where they go). If she doesn't start changing next week ring the agency she comes from and let them know she isn't doing things the way they should be and isn't listening to you (you are technicly (sp?) her boss) and ask for someone else. My mum has been through a number of home helps over the years and if they didn't do it her way then she let them know.
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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11111
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 9:54am |
Well no need to type what i was going to as Beck's has covered it all. You really do need to be straight up with her she is not going to know otherwise. Maybe make a point of having a chat with her when Nat is home and expalin to her exactly where thihg's are and how you like them. Maybe get Nat to show her where thing's are so that way she has no excuse of not knowing. . Be strong about it I know chances are you are younger then her, but remeber its like Beck's said you are her boss and she has to do thing exactly how you want them.
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Bizzy
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 10:06am |
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yep i was going to agree with becks. tell her that you want her to only turn the dishwasher on twice (or whaterever it is) and lay down some ground rules. she want some anyway...
also maybe you could make it so that you can wash their hands after meals. have the wipes or flannels with you so that after meals it becomes routine for the home help to say "lets go in to mummy and get our hands and faces cleaned." find some little craft things they can do with you - then let the home help clean up. instead of doing colouring in then maybe she could be putting the clothes where they belong and making the bed with the right linen...
oh and maybe get a bell or whitle instead of just calling her.?
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Jay_R
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 12:00pm |
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Clearly I've missed something! Are you ok Theresa??? Why do you have home help???
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Bombshell
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 12:05pm |
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BEcks is right....maybe suggest to Lorna that she needs to fill the dishwasher or do things differently and see if she does it your way from then on....she wont know til u tell her tho...
as for the kids...I know it is diffcult to watch someone else with your kids - i was that someone else...ask her to bring kids to you, etc....
and otherwise....HUGS!!!! Know this is hard...and hope DH is still helping out ok....
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Andie
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 12:10pm |
to you, 'cause being laid up really stinks!
OK at the risk of sounding pollyana-ish (and oh how I hated Pollyana!)... You mentioned struggling with your identity with all this going on - I think our identies change SOOO much when we become mothers that bits of them can get lost, only to be found decades later. We're just way too busy to keep up with all the things that used to really do it for us, and we're saddled with a world of responsibility to boot. So bits seem to get lost - you know what I mean? As frustrating as this time is, is there a chance you can use some of it to re-discover some of the things you used to love before kiddies came along? OK buggered if they were things like jogging or swimming alone, but is there anything that used to really do it for you that you can do while sitting on your butt and keeping an eye on the kids? Do you have a thing for any crafts? Can you pick up your flute again? Got old friends you haven't had time to keep up with?
OK feel free to shoot me for trying to point out a little ray of sunshine in a crap-coloured sky!! I know I sometimes hate it when people do that, and sometimes don't. It's a wild risk 
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Andie
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james
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 1:34pm |
big hug busymum sometimes we all need alittle help and thank god you arent in china your mother in law would be helping arrggggg 
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daikini
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 1:50pm |
LOL Lu! Personally, I'd rather my MIL than my husband's MIL, but that's another story.
Teresa!
I agree with Becks, it is your house and you DESERVE to have things done the right way. Deb and Bombshell are right as well, there must be ways you can be involved with the children beyond booby-duty and bum-changes! 
You were talking about homeschooling the girls... maybe this is a good opportunity to do some research for resources you can use at a later date, or to look for things you can use with Briona (and later Krysti) as their "schoolwork".
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Becca, mum of 2 girls & 3 boys
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nictoddie
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 2:35pm |
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I would also suggest if you can't talk to her straight up write her lists of how things are done etc, and your very lucky we live in a country that has a service such as ACC for times like this, as everyone has said you are her boss and she needs to do it the way you need it done.
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Kels
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 7:10pm |
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Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs
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busymum
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Posted: 30 March 2007 at 10:07pm |
I found one of the probs with the sheets. I already have a list written up of what colour sheets are what sizes (I did that for my cleaner) but Lorna couldn't read it because she forgot her reading glasses that day 
I have been having meals with the girls, etc, I've been coming up to the table and dishing them up their portions (after asking Lorna to pass everything to me of course lol) and doing the same for colouring in or whatever.
BS... DH has been great. But Lorna covers for him while he's at work you see, which is why she's around so much (47.5 hrs per week  ). And Andie, right up to my wedding day I was kinda doing Lorna's job at my mum's place with hardly any room for a hobby... and then got pregnant within 6 weeks of the wedding LOL. (And unfortunately you need to stand up to properly play the flute - all to do with breathing.)
I got Lorna downstairs today and we put away the girls' clothes together (ie I sat on the couch and fed Krysti and told her one by one who's was who's and where it went). So that's good, because otherwise it's no fair on Hannah and Nathaniel trying to find clothes in the morning and night! I guess I kinda have to "choose" my "battles" and that was definitely one for me. As for the dishwasher... I'm just closing my ears and eyes because I don't really care enough to supervise every little thing she does.
Nic I agree, I am very glad ACC is covering all this, and not just Lorna's time but crutches and a shower stool as well. It's just so strange in my own house. But... I feel like my foot is improving every day so for the most part I'm just trying to be patient. What I'd give to be able to get in the kitchen and cook up a chockie cake though LOL! 
Clare - I've fractured my foot, details and x-rays are in "Crutches Anyone?" thread.
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lou
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Posted: 31 March 2007 at 9:45am |
I can kind understand how hard having someone else in your house. I have a cleaner for 1.5hours a week and that is hard enough let alone all week. It does depend on the person a bit. When I first came out of hospital I had a nanny 31hours a week and she was really good.
hope your foot heals really fast.
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Mother to two beautiful children - Sophie age 6 and Ephraim age 4
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busymum
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Posted: 31 March 2007 at 11:10am |
Thanks Lou. I have a cleaner for 1.5 hours per week as well and I think the major difference is that I chose her, as well as chose a limited amount of chores for her to do. Maybe one of my biggest things is personal space but things don't seem so bad today. Maybe it's because I have a heap of crosswords and sudokus or maybe I'm getting used to it after all.
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nictoddie
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Posted: 31 March 2007 at 8:56pm |
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Glad you have sorted some stuff out, I can imagine how frustrating it is like you I'm very private, stubborn like to do things my way or not at all hehehe!
Just remember that is not a long term thing and the time will be over before you know it and life will be back to how it was.
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I’m struggling
