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my4beauties View Drop Down
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    Posted: 26 January 2009 at 10:48am

So I have this friend, which I've spoken about before on here.  We've been friends since we were little girls and have always been best friends.  We hardly see each other, due to living in different parts of NZ, but keep in touch almost everyday...... although via text.  Our husbands aren't friends, though get along when we all met up.  So we never plan holidays together or go as a family to stay with them.  They've stayed with us once in Jan last year and my friends husband (we'll call him BFDH) totally annoyed the hell out of me with his rude ways (i.e. sat on the couch with MY laptop the whole 3 days on the internett, and was smart-mouth to me when I wanted to use it), so much so I'd never have him back to stay.  I've been up to stay myself with the kids in the past, but BF has never come to stay unless it's with her Dh, and then they stay with her grandma as she lives nearby to us.

 

My grip at the moment, is I feel there's not really anything going for our friendship anymore.  It's been a year since I've seen her, and that's the longest we've not seen each our whole friendship.  She had an opp to see us end of last year as we were in akl, but she pulled a lame excuse about not being able to make it.  She still texts me almost every day to see what I'm up too etc, and I'm getting sick of it.  I'd rather we had no contact until one of us rung each other and had a good chat about everything, rather than "hey what you up to today" crap.  I've always been the generous one in the friendship, and I feel it's been taken advantage of. 

How do I pull out of the friendship without it getting ugly or bitter?  I can't just not text her back, and leave it at that.  I'm quite happy to bail out of the friendship and not feel at a loss, as she honestly doesn't put anything into the friendship.

 

Any ideas or advice would be muchly appreciated!

My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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lovingmummyhood View Drop Down
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Hi
Just give her a call. Probably easier said than done, but its not really a text thing.
All the best, hope it goes well (hmmm, I guess as well as it can )
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lilfatty View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lilfatty Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 11:10am
If you can't do the "dont text back thing" then I would just keep the texts short and answer any q's but not ask any ..

Eg if she goes "whats up for today"

I would reply .. nothing .. short, sweet and to the point.

She will get the gist that you dont really have anything to say.

Oh and I know TOTALLY where you are coming from my BFF hasnt seen me since Issy was four weeks old!!! And she lives about 5 minutes away .. I just dont bother contacting her anymore and If she contacts me I just keep it short and to the point.
Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months)

I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year LFs weight blog
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Hopes View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hopes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 11:16am
I'd just kind of let it die out naturally. Like lilfatty suggested - just reply with something nice but non-meaningful, and gradually let the times between her text and your reply get longer. It's not fair on either of you to try to keep something going that isn't working for you, but if you can do it without hruting her feelings, that's even better.

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my4beauties View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my4beauties Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 11:26am
Yeah, I mean I don't want to get into anything big about it with her.  I mean if she's ever in town then I'd meet up with her, but I'm over the whole text friendship.  I get nothing from it.  She knows my routine by now that surely on the monday when she knows its my grocery day she doesn't need to ask what I'm up too.  But maybe I will try that tactic, short but nice replies, with a time delay.
My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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pepsi View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pepsi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 11:34am
Tell her you're on prepay and texting every day is costing too much...
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Snappy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Snappy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 11:35am
Yeah I agree with everyone else, either that or say you've changed to pre-pay or plan and cant text as much.

My old BF is exactly the same, except she always wanted me to visit her, and drop everything when she felt like a visitor. Now I suggest she comes to me, funny as I havent heard from her in over a month
Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz.
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caitlynsmygirl View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote caitlynsmygirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 11:47am
I would do the short text responses too, and not ask her any questions so she has no reason to text you again (till the next day ) , and sometimes go a day without replying,and when you do , just again be short and to the point


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Hopes View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hopes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 12:07pm
Old friendships are interesting, aren't they? I had three really good friends through college.

Now, one's moved to Auckland so we don't see each other much at all. She's still lovely though, and when we do get to catch up we natter away nonstop.

The second's moved out of the country, and apart from the odd facebook message, we've drifted apart.

The third... well, I guess we're just really different people now. I think she's still in Hams, but we have very different lives. I met her ages ago, and was pleased for her that she seems really happy with her life... but as far as conversation went, I just ran out of things to say!

I guess things just change... hopefully your friend will realise that too.


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my4beauties View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my4beauties Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 2:10pm

Originally posted by pepsi pepsi wrote:

Tell her you're on prepay and texting every day is costing too much...

 

I agree with this, and what Kaiz said, I was thinking of saying this to her, about my plan changing and the text thing.  Cos at the mo, I've never had that as an excuse not to text her.  I think that will be the way to go.  And I thought that it would be interesting to see if she will try contacting me another way if the texting stopped/slow down.

 

I put most of my pic's up on bebo, which she's connected too, so can see what I'm up too,but her page is almost bare, with hardly any pic's whatsoever, so i can't see what she's up too or her kids.  No wonder she doesn't care if she never see's me in person, she can see me on bebo everyday!!  I hardly know anything about her kids either, as soon as one of mine reach a milestone I'm texting everyone!  But I never hear what her kids are up too.  So I really feel like I don't know anything about her anymore.  Sounds like she's much more interested in my life, than telling me what's happening in her's.

My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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Snappy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Snappy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 3:01pm
She sounds like a text buddy

Im sure if she really wanted to be your friend she would try calling/contacting you, if you were to use the prepay thing. Would be a great test to see how much she values your friendship?
Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz.
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my4beauties View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my4beauties Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 4:08pm

Exactly Kaiz, I do wonder what she see's in our friendship really, and I'd like to think that she would want more, than just being a text buddy, cos that's all she feels like to me.

 

I had a brilliant idea just before, and thought I'd tell her that due to the economic times, DH & I have decided to cut our spending, and I was going to go on pre-pay instead of contract, so I wouldn't have $10 text anymore, so I wouldn't be able to text freely etc.  I thought that was the perfect excuse to subtly say I won't be texting her anymore!

 

I do wonder if she thinks it's normal to have a friendship like this.  I don't have any other friends that only ever text me the way she does.  Although the rest of my friends live in the same town as me so we do see each other personally on a regular basis.  I know that due to our DH's not having a friendship, it's just us two keeping it going, but I'm the one that goes to visit her, more than she's come to visit me.  I would love for her to come & stay with the kids, but she's never asked nor mentioned about ever doing that.  Before I had Jett I went up about 3 times with R & G to stay for a few days, and whenever we were ever in her town we'd stay with her, but since we now have 3 kids we tend to stay in a motel when we're up there as I feel like it's too much for us all to stay with her and she wouldn't have enough beds.  But she's never ever offered to put us up either when she knows we'll be going there, so it's always me asking to stay with her and now I feel like I'd be putting her out if we all went to stay.

My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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my4beauties View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my4beauties Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 4:14pm
Oh yeah, and a couple of years ago when I was pg with Jett, I suggested to her that just me and her go away for a girls weekend together.  She sounded keen so we both looked on the net for a place to go and we sort of decided on somewhere, then when I started to ask her when specifically she wanted to go, she stopped replying and a date was never  set.  Therefore the idea never came to fruition.  I was about 7 mths pg so wanted to go then before it got too close to EDD, and I was feeling comfortable enough to still get out and around.  But after a few weeks and she never told me a date, I gave up on the idea.  So I know I have tried to do things with her etc, but she never makes an effort to do the same.
My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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my4beauties View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my4beauties Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 4:38pm
Well I've sent her a text saying I'm now on prepay (though I'm not) so my texting will be scarce from now.  I hope she gets the point and doesn't text me so often, and her texts will be more informative about her life.  Or she tries to contact me in a more personal way!
My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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pepsi View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pepsi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 6:09pm
Good on you, I don't think you were getting much out of that friendship... I guess at the end of the day not all friendships last the test of time as much as we would like them to. It's a shame when you have known someone for a long time, but it shouldn't be so much effort to be friends with someone.
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pepsi View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pepsi Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 6:23pm
Oh yeah, and the other good thing about doing it this way is that there is no dramatic "break up"..and one day down the track you might enjoy a catch up to see where you're at in your lives..
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lanata Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 6:57pm
Good work Italiah.. I know of some one in a similar situation but she never tries to "cut the impersonal ties" and always ends up being the instigator, she annoys me cos she moans about it then does nothing to change it...

Hopefully your friend gets the hint and calls you
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my4beauties View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my4beauties Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 7:09pm

Yeah I'm glad I've done it this way, I didn't want a big thing with it.  I was just over the mundane texting business.  I probably won't hear my phone beep nearly as much now, haha.  After my text to her, she replied and asked if I was on contract, in which I said yes, but that I'd got out of it.  I know I'm lying to her which makes me feel REALLY bad, but if it means not hurting her feelings by telling her the real reason I won't be texting her much anymore, then it's better this way. 

 

We'll see where it takes us.  If she wants to keep up with friendship regularly she's going to have to try harder than just a text.

My babies:

R (9),G (7), J (5)

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Lanata View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lanata Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 7:53pm
Originally posted by Italiah Italiah wrote:


We'll see where it takes us.  If she wants to keep up with friendship regularly she's going to have to try harder than just a text.



Good girl!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chickaboo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 January 2009 at 7:56pm
Now as a TEXT BUDDY myself I just thought I would put my two cents worth.

I like my friends to know 'hey I am thinking of you even though life is so busy' so thats why i text my friends rather than ring them - also I don't want to interupt what they are doin and normally they are at work or its late and don't wanna ring.

How ever your friend seems to be different in the fact when she could see you she didn't.

If you want to limit contact - I would do the short answers after a couple of texts - don't short answer every text cause thats like a conversation in itself and you will get sick of it and she won't think any different.) You could say you are busy and you will try and text back later - then don't.

You could also ring or text and say you prefer talking on the phone or something like that if thats what you want.

Its sad friends ships fizzle out - its happened with me - although i was the one wondering why. Don't wipe your hands of it and as you said will still see her ifs shes down your way.

Good luck with what you decide


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