What would you do?

I'm not really a confrontational person, and I think because of that I'm in a situation where I feel completely helpless

I'm a first time mum to my lil Angel born in April(the best day of my life, next to marrying my Mr. Right) , but am living in a house, with all the in laws(dad, mum, 2 sisters, and brother). The house is under me and DH names, but they have moved in because of money woes, which I completely understood at the time, agreeing to it, because it was supposed to be a 'temporary' thing. This was when I was 5 months pregnant. Angel has just turned 5 months old, and we are still in the same situation, but with me and hubby being more broke than what we started with, sad to say...we pay the rent and bills, and they (his mum and dad), handle the shopping (only) so we end up broke every week, while they have money to spend ..Hubby works full time, and so do his mum and dad, and me only part time, coz I want to be there for Angelz every waking moment

On his days off, he usually spends it running errands for his "#1 family", while me and my princess wait in the wings, and times when he finally has time for us, his usually tired and doses off 2 easily .. He has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen, always (and I mean ALWAYS) wanting to help out everyone in need, in any way he can...

So am I being selfish wanting him to ourself?? I've brought this up with him, but he reckons we'll move out when its time for us to get our own place, which is in 5 - 10yrs time!! Buying our first home is one thing his big dreams... What do I do? Do i suffer in silence and deal with all these depressive thoughts? I've even gone and (i can't believe i did) started looking up 1 bedroom apartments/flats in case he doesn't want to move out with us...but this can't be the answer, right?? I love him soooooo much, but this can't be how it ends??? What do I do??

P.S. another reason I wanna move out is the treatment I get from his mum on a day to day basis...one e.g. sometimes she takes Angel out, without even asking me, making me wonder where she's gone, etc etc

any advice would be so appreciated and sorry for the long as read!!

If you are really worried about the confrontation side of thing then write down how you feel and all your gripes and give it to your DH.

I personally think he should put you first and he should know how the situation makes you feel.

But I do know that I would not put up with anyone taking my child out without my knowledge, that would not go down well at all with me. I'm not a hugely confrontational person at all but I would bite hard at that. Thats simply not on, I can't imagine looking for my child not knowing where they have gone.

I'm also with kebakat. Your DH, DD and you are your own family unit now, separate from his parents etc (they become part of the "extended" family unit) and you need to be able to live as one together, and learn and grown together.

This is how my mum has explained it to me as I have also had some problems. I definitely agree with kebakat's advice - your DH needs to be made aware of how you really are feeling and just how bad it is getting, and take some action.

i agree about getting together with everyone and letting them know that it isnt working the way it is and a more even split of the bills needs to happen as the goal of helping out financially isnt working. of course talking it thru with your husband first tho. i dont think they should just be paying for the food for a start.. thats not saving you anything as without them you would have cheap groceries anyway.. i cant help thinking too that if you had a smaller 2 bedroom place your bills would be less as well. ( i am assuming of course that it is you who needed the financial help form his family).

I'm guessing its a cultural thing (the reason behind your DH looking after his parents)?

I feel sorry for you both .. you "hate" it there and he is trying to please you and be a "good son".

I do however think that you are his family now and should come first.

Id to say boot them out, but I could never imagine doing that to my parents and he is probably the same.

Maybe just have a meeting and split the costs more evenly (if they have money) .. or you could all get a bigger house with a granny flat type thing so you could have your own space. You would also have baby sitters on tap

i agree with the start charging them for everything its not fair on you guys at all.

also id sit down with your dh and be completly honest with how your feeling & ask him to look at it from how he would feel if it was him living with all of your family.
and mabye work out a time limit to have them staying with you

then id sit down with his mum and lay down some ground rules
eg: if you want to take MY kid out you ask first!
& also that youd like to know where & how long they are going for . .
which as the mother your intitled to know! :)

good luck chick

Good luck! I do really feel for both you and your DH as he is probably torn between doing what is right for you but also the loyalty and possible the "expectency" that he will look after his parents aswell.

Really though, you and baby are now his family and should be his main priorities and able to create your own family, with your own space and ways of doing things.

I do like the comprimise of getting a place with a granny flat so you can have your own space and would be a good oppertunity to re-set the rules on who pays for what.

hi Angelsmummy.... wow you are in a very tricky situation.   I think that it is going to be very difficult to get them all to move out.   Also that its not just the parents but the whole family and it is probably easy for them to gang up against you and be persuading him to let them stay and probably also putting a guilt trip on him. 

I think you and DP should move out and transfer the lease into their names.   Surely WINZ could help them out with family assistance etc and between the 5 of them they should be able to make it work.

If you get stuck with a place to live, you can come and stay with me until your problems get sorted. 

I too am assuming that its a cultural thing?

I can completely understand if it is. DP is Samoan and I am NZ Maori but raised in the european way. Yes we look after our families etc BUT I have seen DP's mum and dad be walked over by the rest of the family. They have had Aunties and Uncles staying with their 6kids, Plus another Uncle and his GF and their baby. This is ontop of their own 4kids staying at home. His poor parents weren't well off and they were paying for power water phone food and the mortgage so know what your feeling.

If anyone was to move in with us we would have to have words before it happened about who pays what they definitely would be paying board each week to cover the cost of the extra power and water. We would also have a toll bar on the phone (sorry but I know what the toll calls can be like to cell phones and the islands) I would also be saying if you want to eat here then you need to contribute to the food like in a renting situation things like milk and bread I probably wouldn't be too worried about but any other items I would be, and I would probably hide luxury items in the bedroom sad as that sounds I used to keep my shampoo and conditioner in my bedroom at mum and dads as my brothers would use it lol.

Hope your talk went ok

and susiec, thank you for commenting on my ticker....she is my lil Angel Princess, and there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep that gorgeous smile always beaming across her face I thank god everyday for giving me a true blessing!!