I am so lonely

I have never experienced such overwhelming sadness as I am going through now. The not knowing why Jackson is refusing to feed properly is making me so distressed. Every time I feed him I tell myself just to take it as it comes, but when he will only drink for two minutes before arching and crying I feel so helpless. The possibilities of what is wrong seem so endless and it doesn't feel like we have to room now to try so many different things with Jackson's weight as bad as it is.

Every day I look at him and he is so skinny and I feel like such a failure. People comment all the time (even friends) and I feel like I am being judged. I know I must have depression, but even admitting it feels like I am weaker than everyone else and pathetic for not being able to cope.

It's getting worse and worse and I feel so alone. My DH is amazingly supportive, but he is not living this every day and he goes off to work and I have noone. I don't get on well with my mum and most of my friends aren't mums, so don't really get how this feels.

Lately I have not wanted to do anything, or go out of the house. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am feeling like there is nothing to look forward to. Today I was going to meet a couple of the girls from here, and for once I was looking forward to getting out, but Jackson screamed all night and I am just to exhausted to face a trip.

I so desperately wanted to have this baby. We tried for two years with multiple set backs before we got our amazing little boy. And all was good for a couple of months, but I think we missed the warning signs that things weren't going well. And then I started getting fobbed off by the medical profession. And now, I don't even feel like a mum. I have this surreal feeling that Jackson isn't mine to keep. Last night he wouldn't settle for me, only his dad, so perhaps he feels that way too. I love him, but I feel detached from him. I don't know if he loves me.

I know rationally, things will get better, I just need to give it time. But I am so desperately unhappy and feel completely powerless to fix things. I hate feeling this way.

I know I need to talk to my GP. But I also just needed to have a big rant.

Children/babies have unconditional love for their mummies and that is something that no one can ever take away from you, he may be picking up on your stress and frustration which is very normal.

I know when I had Ashlyn I never expected her to be with us for long, kept expecting something to happen or go wrong and its a horrible feeling.  You are and have been doing the very best you can, we are not experts and don't know everything about our children.  You tried to alert Dr's to what was going on and there is nothing else you could have done.

It's great that your d8h is being so supportive but make sure he also knows how you are feeling, the more you talk about things the less it seems to burden us.  You are not a failure in anyway, things are just very tough at the moment and you need some extra help and asking for that help is one of the hardest things to do. 

You have done well coming this far, keep asking for the help there are others out there that have similar feelings and there will be someone there to help you. Will drop you a pm also

You are doing SO well. Sending you big hugs. It is a huge huge adjustment being at home all day with a baby and the tiredness from breast feeding and being up at night can really make you feel down. You are not a failure at all - lots and lots of Mums feel exactly the same. I remember having lots of days where I just couldn't face going out after bad sleepless nights. If you can't talk to your GP could you give plunket line a ring to get things off your chest?
You have done so well perservering with the BFing.
I hope your wee man lets you get some sleep tonight. Please rant and get things off your chest whenever you need to. There are lots of people on here who have felt exactly the same as you do and can support you.
Big hugs. You are doing a great job.

Hey Laurie,

How you feeling today?



ETA some hugs x

Edited by BooBoo

Thanks everyone. I have been thinking a lot and I dunno if it is depression, or just stress. I am just SO worried about Jackson that it clouds everything else. I am pretty sure that if we could get things sorted then I would be fine.

Still going to talk to my GP and see what he has to say.

I do have a wonderful coffee group with 9 other girls who I think are fabulous. They are so great, and really supportive, and very thoughtful. But for some reason, I have been embarrassed to go to our catch ups lately. I guess it is because I am scared of comments about how little Jackson is, because it feels like a judgement at times. Silly I know, because these ladies are not like that. But I can't help but feel like they'll all be thinking "glad it is her and not me..."

Pretty warped, huh?

Jackson has had a horrendous last two days with feeding. It honestly just gets worse and worse.

I rang my GP yesterday and he said that he would get me in today with the paediatricians at the hospital. Imagine how disappointed I was when he called this morning saying they couldn't see me. They said just to double his omeprazole and they would try to get me an appointment soon as possible. Quite frustrating because, although I know he has reflux, I think he is probably ok on the current dose. When he spills into his mouth he exhibits no discomfort, like he used to.

However, later the paediatric registrar called and said she had been thinking some more and wanted to start doing some tests cos Jackson's symptoms seem much more severe than normal. So, on Tuesday we go to the hospital. The poor wee bub needs a tube put through his nose down to his tummy to test the acidity levels. He'll have it in for 24 hours. Should tell us how severe the reflux is. If it is not as severe as they think, then they will finally start looking for other things.

I feel a weight has been lifted! I am just SO relieved that I am being taken seriously and they are going to start looking for something rather than just fobbing me off with the "oh he's probably just efficient feeding" or "he is just correcting to what his size should be" or worst of all that I should "just try to feed him longer" stories.

The downside is that I have to take him off the omeprazole tonight until after the tests. Should be a fun three days!! Eek!

Yah, that is good that they are taking you seriously now and really getting down to the bottom of things.

Your friends honestly would not be judging you at all, and for people that dont have children they dont realise how saying things effects the Mum.

I said to my best friend the other day, that her little girl was so cute and little and then asked if she was small for her age - and she broke down into tears saying that people have been saying that and shes doing all she can etc etc - I felt TERRIBLE! Because I did not one bit mean anything bad, I just had no idea what the average weight etc was so I didnt even know if she was small for her age - if all that makes sense.
So basically what Im saying is that if people say something to you please try not to take it personally - because people dont mean it bad at all and are NOT judging you - its just so easy to say something and not realise that the person is going to take it all the wrong way.

Am I making sense?

Huge hugs anyway, sounds like today your feeling better - well I hope so anyway!

Big hugs! I could almost have written that post, months ago (the feeding issues, the loneliness despite supportive DH, the problems bonding, etc). It should definitely help if you can get the feeding sorted, it sounds like that's the main issue. Unfortunately for us it only got better once Chloe went onto formula feeds, and reflux meds (which she didn't need anymore after about 5 months)... and I went on ADs and got some support from FamilyStart and people at church, and joined a playgroup and made some mummy friends.

I'm glad they are taking the feeding issues more seriously now, I hope for your sanity that it gets sorted quickly. Good luck on going without the omeprazole for a few days, I will be thinking of you guys!!!!

I am worried that I will get PND, but think that it might be kicking in early.
I have suffered with depression before, but came off my medication as I am now 22 weeks pregnant.
Originally I have that wonderful pregnancy invincible feeling, but now reality is setting in.
The normal feelings are there of will I be good enough? will I love my child? will I cope? etc etc... are there but lately I have been wondering if life wouldn't be better if the child wasn't born? do I really want this baby? maybe it's better off without me? Running away from my life seems like a really good option right now.
DH & I tried for 18 months for this baby, and had a couple of miscarriages on the way, so I know in my heart he is wanted, but i just feel so inadequate, stupid, and an overwhelming loss of identity, not to mention sad and alone in my feelings.
DH is oblivious to it really, loves me & the baby without question, but just not so good at the emotional stuff .... I have no other family here and only really one close friend.
Just wanted to get this off my chest really

I understand completely. My DD would BF how i thought was right, and when she did i didnt produce enough.

She ended up being bottle feed and it was the best thing for her. She has a huge appetite and was getting colik.

It hasnt effected our bond at all as we are closer than a lot of my freinds babies who were BF and she has a great bond with her D as he can feed her as well.

I am finding it hard to adjust to being at home with a baby all day everyday. It is harder than you imagine. I am almost 2 years down the track and some days are a struggle.

Just remember you are not alone and the GP can help with some medication to get you over this hurdle until you find yourself again and how you fit in your new life.

Hey hunny,
You're so not a bad mum!! You're also so not the only one struggling with this stuff.
I managed to cut myself so bad I needed stitches, knock myself out with a frypan and lose my memory, then hit my son, then had to ask my parents to take him fulltime til I got things sorted lol I felt like such a failure but 2 weeks of having a break, taking my meds and looking after myself and I'm seeing the end of the tunnel (I hope!!).

Jake had severe silent reflux and noone would help. He ended up on Omeprazole too which was great but I also made the decision to take him off dairy. Since I was BF that meant no dairy for me but then he ended up on formula (goats) and honestly it was amazing the difference. He was too scared to eat properly for awhile but it sorted itself out. Hes still allergic to raw lactose/dairy (not sure which yet so keep clear of all of it) but can eat bikkies, etc so anything where its been cooked. If he has any dairy/lactose he immediately begins refluxing. Don't know if that helps but I'm north of welly so if you ever wana catch up we can meet halfway