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jack_&_charli 
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 Topic: i really need some help!
Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:11pm |
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:16pm |
Just to un confuse me is your bro with the SIL???
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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busymum
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:47pm |
Becks - sounds to me like bro and SIL are the parents of niece. 
Vanessa - sorry I have no idea what to do! But big hugs because it sounds so horribly messy 
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Danaj
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:54pm |
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Sounds harsh but i'd say the kid is better off away from the mother anyway.
It's very hard to get someone commited for care without their consent. Has your Bro considered going for custody?
I don't mean to sound cruel and I'm sure the neice would be very upset if her mum didn't come back, but wouldn't going back into that environment (especially in a strange country like Jordan) be incredible destructive for the child? I'm sure your Bro cares about SIL but sounds to me like the priority needs to be the little girl and getting her out of that situation.
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:55pm |
it is horribly messy and i just don't know what, if anything, i can do to help her! 
my bro and SIL seperated last july, that's when she moved back to oz with neice. they were working on getting back together in a few months time, but now bro has discovered what she's been planning behind his back.
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Danaj
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:58pm |
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Wanting to help or not, my first stop would be a good lawyer. Keep the little girl in NZ.
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Bobbie
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 8:59pm |
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I think your bro would do better for his (adoptive?) daughter by trying to get custody so she has some stability.
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Danaj
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:00pm |
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Is he not the birth father? That would be a problem.
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:01pm |
 Danaj wrote:
Has your Bro considered going for custody?
I'm sure your Bro cares about SIL but sounds to me like the priority needs to be the little girl and getting her out of that situation. |
he has considered going for custody before, but has some things from his past that could stop that happening. but after tonights discovery, i'm sure all that is now irrelevant
as for priorities, yes neice is AT THE TOP! i'm not worried about her at all because she has a loving family around her that will do anything to see she's cared for.
there's no way she'll (neice) ever leave NZ now, all my family will see to that.
i'm more worried about how it will effect her long term, but extremely worried about SIL and her mental health
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fire_engine
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:01pm |
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Woah. If there's no imminent threat of self harm and she is legally competent (and unfortunately making bad descisions doesn't equal incompetent) then there's probably little that your bro can do from the psych side of things. I'd be looking down the custody track - I don't know if there is any way (through immigration or somewhere) to register children and that they aren't allowed to leave without both parent's consent????
It just sounds so sad. And alarm bells are ringing about Jordan - not really the place I would want to go and hook up with a guy from the net.
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Mum to two wee boys
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:05pm |
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sorry i didn't make that clear, my head is all over the place......yes my bro is her birth father
he's calling a lawyer tomorrow to sort out custody. i know a public forum isn't the best place to discuss this, but i just wanted to put it out there in case there were some 'legal minded' people around
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:08pm |
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.Mel
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:21pm |
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Seems to me she has no intention of moving back to NZ. Maybe her daughter is in the right place now.
I think it's awesome that you are so protective and willing to help your niece and bro like you are.
With the custody thing, can that be sorted when the other parent is in another country? Won't she have to come home for that?
I hope it gets sorted for everyone's sake.
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mrsturtle
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:25pm |
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Ok now i dont want this taken the wrong way and it may not be the case at all but speaking from a family experiance, she obviously has something going on with this other guy dose she have access to your brothers bank account? im assuming since they are married they may have a joint account i would tell your brother to ensure there is the bare amount of $ in there as my bro had his account almost emptyed by mentally unstable fiance when she went off with another guy (of which she has since done the same to him)
On the custody front deff see lawyer tomorow and get something in place straight away re niece and staying here. All the best for your brother and niece and i hope sil gets the help she needs
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Danaj
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Posted: 19 January 2009 at 9:36pm |
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I think because you're dealing with international aspects, custody laws, potential family court dealings etc then the only one who can really advise you correctly would be the lawyer. Did your Bro keep a copy of those emails re the Jordon guy? Also document anything re times, dates, places, conversations that can back up your claims.
I can see why your concerned about the girl long term, but it's better she is out so she can have a stable family life. This will give her a stable base to guage what is happening when she is old enough to understand her mothers actions. Kids are very resilient to these kinds of things and a loving and supportive family will help her through it all. Counselling is always a good option in my opinion. Especially if the family court needs to be involved. You'll be surprised how well she adapts to a new life without her mother. Kids crave stability and structure.
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jaz
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Posted: 20 January 2009 at 8:39am |
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My bro went through pretty much the same thing with X-SIL a few years ago. She has major mental health issues and the kids have been living with bro for some years now.
Firstly, he needs to realise she will always have a damaging effect on your niece so he needs to be the main caregiver. To do this he will need a lot of family support for quite a few years.
Secondly, if she is out of the country and he has emails showing she is planning to move to Jordan this is the time to apply for custody.
Finally, your niece will have major abandonment issues especially if her mother goes to Jordan to live to be with her bf. Get counselling/help early.
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 20 January 2009 at 9:36am |
jaz wrote:
Finally, your niece will have major abandonment issues especially if her mother goes to Jordan to live to be with her bf. Get counselling/help early. |
this is exactly what i fear! she's such a lovely little girl, it's really not fair.....i'm hanging out for my bro to call to see how he got on with the lawyer
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Danaj
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Posted: 20 January 2009 at 9:53am |
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Regardless of what happens chick, I doubt you're going to get away without any emotional damage to the little girl. Putting her needs before the mother now will keep the damage to a minimum.
99% of us have something that effects us when we're children. Our family came into contact with a paedophile when we were very young. My sister was raped from the ages of 7- 9 by this family friend. I didn't get it quite so bad fortunately.
I don't mean to drag up horrible history and am not looking for sympathy, I'm just saying that life isn't always a box of chocolates. Bad things happen but the difference it has on you is the support and stability you have around you at the time. She will be fine and better off without someone who clearly is not in a position to be a positive role model.
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 20 January 2009 at 10:18am |
Danaj wrote:
Our family came into contact with a paedophile when we were very young. |
this happened to my SIL when she was young too and i suspect that's where all her problems stem from. unfortunately the only help she got was pills.
i hope one day she wakes up and realises what we've been telling her all along......she needs to talk to someone!
thanks for the replies everyone
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Danaj
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Posted: 20 January 2009 at 11:49am |
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Those sorts of things can have a major impact on our lives but it's the choices we make that make the difference. Especially when children are involved.
No one chooses to become a victim, but it is her choice to stay one. She could stand up and get help if she really wanted to change but she hasn't so she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. I've managed to recover and lead a normal healthy life. Why should some people get pity and be allowed to behave badly when other people stand up and deal with it head on and somehow manage to succeed regardless of bad history??
Sorry about the rant but professional victims really tick me off. I've known my share of them and it's just not good enough. It's not pity she needs, it's someone to snap her out of it and tell her to pull her head out of the sand.
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i really need some help!
she's emailed a guy she's been chatting to online and he's said 'i can't wait til you get here, i love you'.....she's even emailed house of travel to get flight costs 
) is there anything my bro can do in terms of getting her some pyschiatric (sp?) help?? they are married so can he get her admitted if he's worried about her harming herself?? i know there's probably little he can do to stop her going to jordan...??
