Step Kids/Parents

I just wondered for those who have step kids or who are a step parent how does it work for you guys?

Reason I'm asking is that I've been asked for my opinion on someones situation and I really have no idea..

Her situation is..

She has a daughter aged 4 (not hers by blood but shes her sole guardian as the girls parents died). He has 2 kids from a previous marriage who are about 10.

She has said that he can be whatever he likes to her daughter. Whether that be just a friend or her dad figure, she is not fussed what it is, it's his choice and she isn't at all threatened by him being a parent to her daughter.

She has had a discussion with his ex and his ex has said to her boys that she will be their friend and not take the place of her mum. She's fine with that aspect, she doesn't want to take the place of their mum but she wants to be more than just a "friend" to them in the future. She wants to be his equal and doesn't know if this is right or wrong considering shes letting it be his choice as to what he wants to be to her daughter.

He has 50/50 share of his kids so they are a big part of his life still. She wants to have some say in how they are disiplined when they are living together and issues like that as she wants all 3 kids to be treated the same and shes said they do have slightly differing parenting styles.

I wouldn't have the slightest clue how the whole step kids/parents thing works as I don't really know anyone in that situation so I'm not really sure what to say to her, whether its unreasonable or perfectly reasonable and common that she wants to be a parent to his kids too. That's why I wondered how others situations worked

My brother is in the same situation as your friends partner. He has 2 children of his own aged 7 and 12 whom he shares custody with their mum.
His current partner has a daughter aged 5, and they've been together 2 plus years, and whom he raises as they live with her.

When my nieces are with their dad he does the disiplining, not his partner as she's not their mum. My nieces see her as their dads partner, certainly not their mum as they live with their mum.

The girls all get on well with each other, and the 2 younger ones are very much like sisters.

I know their mum has had some issues with what M allows my 12 year old niece to wear and what they do when they are at their place. That is something she has sorted out between the mum and dad.

I think they do a great job, unfortunatley the split between my brother and sil wasn't very friendly, and being in different countries has been difficult.

For me I've found it difficult enough understanding my relationship with my step-niece, I don't feel the same attachment to her as my other 2 nieces.

I am also a child of divorce and had both a step-dad and step-mum growing up from about aged 3.

Unfortunately my step-mother was a nasty piece of work (Dad has since divorced her) and had no respect for us as kids, she treated us and her son completely differently and had different rules. She tried to be the main discipliner while we were at Dad's house and as you can understand this just didn't work at all. We all ended up resented each other and I think we probably played up more because of it.

 

My step-dad on the other hand has been a fantastic father figure in my life. He did minor disciplining if/when we needed it, however, anything major, Mum dealt with it. I have always respected my step-dad and I think it is a lot to do with the fact that he didn't try to be overbearing with us and treated us exactly as he did his own two children.

 

Unfortunately the relationship between step-parents and step-kids can be really difficult and I think only those directly involved can know how it will work for their individual circumstances. But, it is important that the step-parent does have a disciplinary role, without being overpowering. As lemongirl put it - much like a teacher

my dh has another son & also my girl has a step mum.
which is ok but there are definate lines that have to be made, i had a good talk to s's step mum ( they dont have her much and her dad hardly says boo to me) and told her what my rules were and basicly i expected her to not be so soft with her and spoil her rotten each time they had her but stick to the rules and bedtimes etc and it has worked out really well.

Mmm I have two step kids that we only get 1 night per fortnight.

DP has parental guilt I think & doesn't really have any rules for them in our house. I think we need rules for them because I expect they will follow the same rules as Aston will as he grows up.

It's hard going as I don't want to be the bad b&%*h all the time, but everything in the house is mine, I worked damn hard for it, & I pay most of the bills so get resentful when DP lets his kids (son in particular) treat the place like crap (i.e. his son carved a cross into my dining room table with a fork & it was left to me to talk to the son about it as DP did nothing)

I agree that bio parent should do disciplining, but other adults should be shown respect (the AIC idea) & that all kids should have the same rules under the same roof. What rules they have at their mums, or their Nanas, it's irrelevant. Kids adapt to having different rules at different places really easily.

Oh, and I never undermine DP in front of kids even if I disagree with him, & I expect (and generally get) the same from him. If there is an issue we discuss it later, but show a united front to the kids.