Can women have it all?

This story in the NZ Herald this morning got me thinking.. can we have it all? Should we have it all? What does 'having it all' even mean?

I went to an all girls school where marriage was a dirty word and babies were things to be prevented, at university you didn't ever say you wanted to get married and have kids, and when I started work I though SAHMs were unambitious women who were content with their simple lives. Ha! Now I have a baby of my own and no paid job (was on a contract) and I love being a SAHM! In fact, I don't really want to go back to work, and would love to have another baby soon. I realise that I am lucky to have that choice, but I still feel guilty/embarrassed to admit to it.

Anyone else feel the same?

Here's a more important question why is this question just directed at women?

Why isn't being a SAHD or Dads taking time out of their career even thought about?* Perhaps it could even been a combination, or working from home?

What we need to do is stop thinking about black and white and more in shades of grey.

* I'll declare my bias and say that my Dad was one of the first wave of Dads to do the say at home thing and up until I was a teenager ran his business from home.

Edited by lemongirl

Yes I think you can, but you've got to realise that you don't have to have it all, all at the same time. I plan on being a working mum next year and its going to be pretty damn hard.. but its what DH and I want so thats what we plan on doing.

lemongirl my dad was a SAHD too (not by choice, his injuries from an accident made mum the only one to earn a fulltime wage) and I loved it. He started his own business from home too.

Lemongirl - my brother is a SAHD, and finds it very hard to intergrate into things like playgroups etc, as very few men go along. He was also made to feel very uncomfortable with plunket visits quite early on - the snotty old plunket nurse used to say things like "do you want to make an appointment time when mummy can come along too".....?

Gosh simsam, it sounds like things are still in the dark ages. My dad wasn't allowed to take me to playcentre (back in the early '80s) as he wasn't a mother, so my parents told playcentre to get stuffed and I went to kindergarden instead where he was allowed to be a parent helper. Hopefully when our bubs is born DH can help with that kind of stuff as he works irregular shifts and will be around during the day heaps - and is really keen to be involved with everything

I love being a SAHM but I do get people (family included which fully sucks) who treat me like I know less or can do less because I'm not working
I worked and did really well for myself before having kids even though studying was never my thing after getting sick. I have huge amounts of life experience, a ridiculously high IQ surprisingly enough and I'm good at picking things up fast. Why does running a home negate all that I wonder?

I don't think people realise quite how much goes into successfully running a home while raising kids.
You have to think like a teacher, psychologist, doctor and physiotherapist among quite a few others - aiding their emotional, physical and mental development,
you have to think like a chef and a dietician - interesting, well-rounded meals that appeal to a wide age group that generally includes atleast one picky eater,
you have to think like a budget advisor, accountant and bank manager - living on one income while eating well, keeping a roof over the head and making sure everyone is clothed, etc while ensuring you keep your credit rating up and have a fallback fund (though in our house ATM we don't know what a fallback fund is ),
you have to think like a horticulturalist - growing your own garden (not everyone does it but it is becoming more the norm),
you have to think like a housekeeper - vacuuming, washing, dusting, tidying, the list could go on and on and on and on...
you have to think like a mechanic - being on one income often means trying to decipher if your vehicle could do a few more ks before that rattling needs checking or whether it means your engine is gonna fall out!
you have to think like a scientist - what concoction gets bile/vomit out of the carpet without bleaching it? or pen mark off the new wallpaper? or chewing gum out of anything?
you have to think like a relationship advisor, therapist, lover, counsellor, life coach - whether you're in a relationship or not!!
you also have to think like a mum - ominous silences only mean trouble!! (speaking of which :runs away to find my ominously quiet son )

I probably could think of more things but I'm tired just looking at the list so far. I have developed more skills running our home, finances, menu, raising Jake and developing the relationship I want with DP than I ever could have learnt working a full-time job. I've also had to learn it from scratch and as I go along. SAHP's deserve a helluva lot more respect than society hands out these days. Having it all should mean having happiness, being loved and feeling a sense of achievement whatever you're doing atleast once a week!

OK thats my 25c worth

the grass is always greener on the other side!

when i was working all i wanted to do was get pregnant and stay at home with my kids... Now i have that i wonder if there is something else... *sigh*

maybe having it all is a state of mind!

(havent read the replies or the article yet, will come back to it!)

I always believe that something has gotta give. It takes a lot of energy and time to raise kids and they don't fit into schedules, they don't understand why yesterday you allowed them to bath for an hour while watching them cause you had an easy day at work and today they have to hurry and do it in 10 minutes because you are too tired to sit there. So you have to be sure that you are calm and consistent enough and have the energy to fit all of it in. Some people can and they are happy and financially well off. Others don't have the natural energy levels to pull it off successfully. And this is all assuming you are financially even able to choose. Most of us don't have a choice, we have to work and cope...end of story.

Babe, I love your list! So true.

The thing for me is that at the moment I don't feel like I am missing out by not working - I am getting a chance to do stuff now that I never had time when I was working, like having a veggie garden, cooking from scratch a lot etc. And of course spending lots of time with my boy! Also, in my previous job there were a lot of politics and personality conflicts and constant resource issues, so it's nice not to have to deal with it.

BUT, people can be quite judgemental. Often the first question when I meet someone is "when are you going back to work" and when I say that I am not, they seem very surprised and often don't know what to talk to me about. It's almost like being a SAHM is still seen as lazy/unambitious... and the smirks I get from some people when I say I've been out for coffee during the day... *sigh*

LittleBug, my mum is the opposite, she is big on the superwoman stuff. I think doing stuff for yourself is so important, after all a happy mum = happy family.

Lulu, being a SAHM and running a business from home is my ultimate goal!

I have done it both ways...with my teenage daughter I was back at work pretty much straight away and I always worked or studied. Eleven years later when I had DD2 I was in the position where I could stay at home with her... I feel so lucky to have been able to be a SAHM this time and don't have all the feelings of guilt I had with my DD1 when I was trying to do everything (I was a solo mum). I can totally understand why some people want to go back to work (or have to) and some people probably find it easier to find that balance - I couldn't and just felt plain guilty... I have loved loved loved being a stay at home mum and have found it such a breeze next to working and bringing up DD1... prob cos I was doing everything I do now plus working before and I know when ya write it all down like babe's list it looks like alot but really I think of myself sooooo fortunate to be able to stay home and hang with my girls