Very complicated situation. Need help :(

Hi Girls,
    I'm new here and hoping someone can please give me some advise.
My husband and I are having some issues (well have been since we got married 3 years ago) regarding his parents. We argue and sometimes end up screaming at each other.
I dont really know where to start or how to expain but I'll try...
Since we got married, a lot of things have happened and basically I dont feel like part of their family, feel resentment towards my mil and don't trust her and this is causing a lot of grief in our marriage. His family is the only thing we ever fight about, we are very happy when this topic doesn't come up. We have a 9month old son and everytime we go over to their place or they come over to ours, I seem to get very anxious, cant seem to relax and sometimes feel like im gonna have a panic attack (well I dont know how that feels but my heart beats really fast and i feel uncomfortable and i just feel like crying, sorry if im not making sense) . I know this will sound crazy (thats why i need your guys help :( ) I feel like she is going to take my baby away from me. I dont know how Im supposed to trust her with the most precious thing in my life when I dont trust her at all... and afterwards my husband and I end up arguing and screaming at eachother. Because of this, we have been seeing less of them lately, and about 3 weeks ago his parents called him at work and wanted to talk to ONLY him about some stuff . My DH told them that anything they need to say needs to be said infront of both of us not just him, They then told him that it had nothing to do with me but my DH made it very clear that he wont see them on his own regarding this issue they wanted to discuss,,, finally they decided to come over to our place . That night they came over and her mum was saying that she feels like she has lost her son since we got married, and now feels like she has lost her grandchild and asked me if I trust her with my son and brought up somethings I had said earlier which apparently upset her and embarrased her infront of her friends (which was me saying no to her trying to give my son a whole grape. For goodness sake I was looking out for my son) . I didnt tell her i dont trust her as I didn't want to upset my DH. And after having that talk, they have been coming around more often which is great for my DH, as i know he misses his family but my feelings towards her is still the same and i think it's worse now that she has made me feel like I've taken her son away from her and how she complained about me..
My DH thinks im being selfish and just thinking about myself and my feelings. But i try to tel lhim that I'm trying very hard to relax and just enjoy them when they are over but i just cant seem to,, this feeling I have just takes over and I just sit next to my DH and dont really participate with his family. Me acting this way is upsetting my DH. I just dont know what to do ..I feel like there is this grey cloud hovering around us all the time now. i find myself thinking about this ALL the time. I'm teary eyed right now writing about this :'( I feel very helpless, sad and over this situation but I know we cant keep avoiding it (like we have been doing for the last 3 years) ..
I dunno what Im wanting out of this, i guess I just want to know if there is anyone else out there in my shoes . anyone who's had similar problems with their inlaws and how they rectified the situation.
Im sorry about the novel , just needed to vent as this is driving me insane :(
Hope someone can help me. .
thanks

Aww chick that sounds like a tough situation to be in!

Maybe you could set some ground rules with them with regards to your son? And speak up if something happens that upsets you rather than stewing on it.

You could also have a big heart to heart with other family members and get their perspective... families are so complicated.

If there isn't a reason that you specifically distrust your MIL can I suggest it may be an idea to get an impartial third party invovled? Maybe you could go and see a counsellor with your DH.

One reason I suggest this is that my SIL had the same issue and it turned out it was related to postpartum depression. Not saying this is what you have but it would be an idea to see someone - you could eliminate that possibility and also get some suggestions on how you and DH can move forward.

Edited by Bobbie

Oh hun, this sounds awful.

Bobbies idea of a councellor is great.

 

My MIL and recently FIL have been incredibly difficult too. I don't have trust issues with them, but when it comes to my son they are awful towards to me about him, I won't go into it, but just so you know your not alone. I found having a good ol b!tch session with my SIL and Mum really helped. Was just good to get it all off my chest to someone who understood where I was coming from, any chance you can do that?

 

ETA - you really do need to have a sit down and discuss this with your DH, although tread carefully as no one likes to hear bad things said about their families. But he does need to hear your concerns and then you can work together to sort through this. (I'm yet to do this and unfortunately it is like a big elephant in the room with us at the moment, I just hate confrontation, but really should bite the bullet soon)

Edited by Hope2Be

booze - have a stiff drink before you see your IL's and you wont feel so bad! as in every relationship it is a two way street, and if there is no reason for your distrust or anger then you are being unfair to your son and husband.

Bobbie wrote: If there isn't a reason that you specifically distrust your MIL can I suggest it may be an idea to get an impartial third party invovled? Maybe you could go and see a counsellor with your DH. One reason I suggest this is that my SIL had the same issue and it turned out it was related to postpartum depression. Not saying this is what you have but it would be an idea to see someone - you could eliminate that possibility and also get some suggestions on how you and DH can move forward.

I second this. Especially if you can't really explain why you are feeling the way your. Maternal Mental Health are fantastic. I think if you call Plunket they could direct you to the right place.

I have to say your DH is a champ for refusing to speak to his parents without you there. Thats a big sign that hes putting you first and that should give you alot of confidence. It might make it easier to talk to him if you remember that while hes finding the situation difficult hes fully committed to supporting you and while he may not agree with you hes totally on your side!
Families can be such a pain and I fully sympathise - my MIL offered my DP $30,000 if he dumped me LOL talk about extreme measures!!!!!
I don't trust my MIL with my kids simply because of her attitude towards me. Shes actually brilliant with the boys but I wouldn't leave them with her because I wouldn't take the risk that her dislike of me would affect how she interacted with the boys (undermining me, etc). I wondered if that was kinda how you felt?!
Anyway catch a hug and welcome to OB!

I think this is a hugely common issue! I have several friends who feel similar to you do about their MIL, however maybe not quite to the same extent. I don't have kids yet but I know I will have issues with my MIL and my baby because I don't like her all that much (for various reasons) and like you this has caused some arguments between DH and me.

I just finished reading a novel by Jane Green called The Other Woman which is all about this topic - the MIL is "the other woman"....it had me nodding all the way through!

You can choose you DH but you can not choose your IL's. I think you need to put down some rules as your IL are over the top & it sounds like they are trying to cling on to their son & stupidly forgot if they acted like grown ups they would see they have a DIL & GS.

Your DH should run all money matters by you & if they still owe you money then get them to pay it back.

As a mother I would hate it if my boys when grown up could not talk to me alone or come visit, but then I don't plan to be a demanding interfering MIL, & that's maybe why I will never stop my DH from interacting with his parents even when I am not happy with them.

Oh & parents are not meant to ask their kids for money its the other way around