Making new friends

Definitely, that's just round the corner I'm the first street on the right once you get up the horokiwi hill past the crossing!

I also found some friends to not be real friends, I wonder if that has something to do with us being young or them not having kids?
I am going out for lunch with one of my friends tomorrow but she hasn't visited since Lily was a week old.
Haven't seen anyone else since she was born either...

Berg19 wrote: Ahhh yes - since ive had a baby most of my friends turned out to not be real friends. And my real ones have moved away or are always working so its hard for me to catch up with them, especially with a baby. So weve drifted apart, and when i catch up with some of them i think wow,how did i ever get along with you?? now that i've growin up so much.

Ditto to this! x

Emmi_ wrote: Chickoin wrote: I think there should be mother's groups where you leave the kids at home with dad and all meet up at the pub.... Like!

We have one! Once a month we go out for dinner. It's an open invitation so quite often we bring others along. Generally there's between 6 and 8 of us who go out.

I've been in NZ 4.5 years (lived in 2 different cities) and I find it hard to make new friends.
Thankfully DH doesn't so I've kind of piggybacked on his efforts.

It's like any relationship, it'll happen when you least expect it

I think as you get older your criteria for friends changes.
Now we look for people with kids the same age who you can socialise with as families rather than separately.

((hugs)) hun. It's really hard having a new bubba and no close friends. I haven't felt like I have many- or any- CLOSE friends but by nature I'm fairly introverted although some of the girls on here who know me IRL would debate that lol. But I DO now have a MUCH larger group of 'friends' or close aquantincies (sorry can't spell) IYKWIM?  and totally unlike how I used to be before I travelled overseas alone, I don't stop and think about it. I'm just glad to have them and I now know that close friendships can take years to build so I just dont dwell or it or worry about it IYKWIM? Not saying you do lol, just I feel glad to have a large circle of cool Mums who I can meet and have coffee with and there's enough of them to keep me busy if that's what I want.

I really REALLY enjoy my own company though- always have- so I have to sometimes force myself out to meet folk- and thats a reflection on me, not on them. Most of them probably don't even know that.

I havea  PIN group, who are cool but yeah no one connection there with anyone but its not been a year yet so that may develop. One or two OB friends who are developing into deeper friendships and the rest are cool ladies who if a closer friendship develops then great and if not thats great too cos I still enjoy their company

I say good on you for organising a coffee group for like minded Mums, also is there a hobby you used to enjoy adn maybe you could join a group like that? eventually you do build up a cirle of people you enjoy being with. Try not to dwell on whether it will last the years or anything..you sounds like a nice person so.just let things unravel as they do and before you know it you'll be inundated with loads of mates

It seems we all had the same expectation that we will make new friends when we have babies!

For me, it didn't happen overnight, but it has happened.

One friend, I started having coffee after our music class - we had both been going for about a year before we got the guts to invite each other, but now we are getting to be quite good mates! Good things take time!

I also once befriended someone from swimming who had just moved to Welly - I made a deliberate effort there because I thought she probably didn't have any friends! I invited her to coffee group, and then it turned out she lived close and we ended up catching up a lot.

It's funny, sometimes you think you couldn't be friends with someone after a couple of meetings, but then you realise they are cool after all...I'm sure if you keep trying you will find someone! (and then they will go back to work or move away!)

I completely agree with what Berg said about friends turning out to not be friends. Used to be a real social butterfly,would go out 3 times a week and had various groups of friends so wass never short of someone to hang out with. When my relationship with my DF started getting serious, I noticed a few of my 'single and carefree' friends stopped wanting to hang out with me so often..... and now I have a baby, I don't see any of them. Honestly, not a single one. Actually I lie, there are 2 of them I still see. One of them I've only seen once since I had Isla (and she used to refer to herself as my BFF - how juvenile is that lol and she used to txt me every day) and the other hadn't really made contact with me until she found out she was expecting her first bubba (due start Aug) so now she has befriended me again cause none of her other friends have babies.
It's funny tho - I've made contact with people I used to get along with really well years ago, and these friendships have been rekindled into what could potentionally become lifelong bonds. One particular friend I hadn't seen in 13yrs, (we were inseperable at primary school) who I found via Facebook and it's as tho we were never apart. She has 3 kids now, her 3rd bubba was born only 1 month before Isla so we went through pregnancy together which was cool. We have so much in common and can see ourselves being good friends for life.
I too find it difficult to make friends IRL. I am very outspoken so maybe that kinda puts people off a bit. I have been told I come across as quite confident (aka cocky) which I'm not, I'm actually very shy but somehow my nerves make me come across the opposite! But Ive found that my antenatal group has been good for making friends. At first we all found it difficult to spark conversation with one another but we can all chat for hours now, and I'd be happy to go out for a coffee one on one with any of them. It does take time. Sometimes you just click with certain people, sometimes it takes a bit more work
and I'm guna stop waffling now .... lol

In my opinion when you go through hard times and your friends aren't really there for you, it's then that I kind of lose my commitment to them. Maybe I expect too much. But I wonder if we have lost the idea of what being a real friend is these days? That's probably why Sam Gamgee is my favourite in Lord of the Rings - because he is so loyal right to the end at no gain to himself whatsoever.

I also had the expectation of meeting people when I had DS and like others I have found acquaintances but not much else. I guess it DOES take time, but they do seem to have their own friends anyway. I have been feeling VERY lonely especially lately. My family that I'm close to moved overseas soon after I fell pregnant, and so that's been especially hard.

I think a lot of mums find it isolating and lonely being at home with their kids. I just don't understand if we feel that way - why other mums at coffee group don't feel the same way too?

Edited by newlywed

I think you really just have to hang in there .... it takes time, but I've got some really close friends from my antenatal group now - but our kids have just turned 3 and its only been in the last 6-12 months that we've become close enough to a couple of them to actually have dinners together and plan trips away! when we first started classes I didn't think I would be close friends with any of them as we're all a little different. But now they're some of my closest friends!!

Definitely agree with losing close friends who don't have kids too. And its not just being younger - I'm older and was a real social butterfly (out almost every night) so have lost most of my aquantences (not that I mind) and 4 of my closest friends don't have kids so although it annoyed me at first that they don't have so much time for me, I now except (took a while!) that the friendships have changed and we don't see so much of each other --- but I'm too busy to see them much anyway, and they are still there if I really need them. Even a friend who's had a baby but lives on the other side of ak is in contact less, as we're both so busy, but its great when we do catch up as we have more in common now.

I didn't even talk to anyone at mainly music or that sort of thing. But after 10 months I'm making friends I'd have a coffee with at playcentre now (not people I'd be really close to, but nice enough to catch up with every now and then and who knows what will happen). I'd say stick with the coffee groups, and go to a local placentre or playgroup if the kids are older and give it some time. Also if you have old friends with kids, give them a text or email and see how they are. And go to OB meet ups or similar to see if theres anyone you click with.

Jake has two best mates at daycare, and we're only just starting to talk to the parents now that we've just done the 3rd b'days .... one of the mums seemed a bit stand-offish (maybe shy) but when I texted her we've had a couple of convos now ....... but they've been mates since 16mths!

I actually think the thing about making friends when you have kids is more when the kids are older and play sports or going to kids parties etc. I kinda knew I'd lose alot of mates with settling down, so I haven't been too bothered by it!

So in summary .... hehe .... give it more time, and get out there ..... and remember others probably feel the same as you, and even if they don't what have you got to lose by asking them out for a coffee??

I've found it really difficult to make friends down here, I feel like the oldest first time mum women are grandmother's by the time their my age down here.

I've also had close friends who have lost contact since they've had their children.

I think it does take a bit of effort to maintain friendships, I have a great friendship with a women I've known since I was 20, mostly cause we make an effort to see each other when we're in each others neighbourhood.

Having small children can make it difficult to get out of the house too. Dh isn't the most sociable person either, his work is mostly male and I don't have a huge connection with any of the other wives. They're friendly enough but not close.

For me I've had to really get out of my comfort zone and go along to meet ups etc, and get to know people, I feel incredibly nervous each time I go but rather that than be lonely.

Its weird as I meet more people and made some great friendships in my 2 years in the UK far easier than I have living in different parts of NZ.   Sometimes I get the feeling that if you didn't go to primary school together people aren't interesting in being friends with you. Bit sad really.

The people I went to school with were horrible, I went to an all girls catholic school and they're all bitchy and catty. I see some of them on FB and none of them have changed. They weren't nice to me then and can't see that much has changed.

I've made more friends through playing sport and work.  Havn't played sport much since I'm moved south though, too fricken cold!  Hoping to join an Akl team next season and hope that generates some friendships.