combining families is hard!!!!

my partner and i have been together around 8months and the majority of the time we are REALLY REALLY happy . when we met my DD was just over 4months so he has well and truely taken on daddy role of her and is doing a really good job , On the other hand tho he has a 5yr old daughter that we have 5nights a fortnight ( ever second weekend fri-mon and every tues night) i am finding it really hard lately because she is having real behavior issues ( well what i consider to be behaviour issues ) i dont feel i have any power to disiplin her (as she has a mum and a dad there to do that and i just kind of feel like im "no one " to her)  my stress levels go through the roof when shes here. its probably the age ( 51/2) but she just plays up all the time , every single thing out of her mouth is "i want " , her dad does absolutly everything for her when shes here , he organises all our meals over what she eats ( which is only takeaways or chicken drumsticks- she refuses to eat anything else for him ), he lets her do pretty much anything she wants , He loves her so much and he is a really good dad , i know hes just trying to do his best but im just not as tolerent as him , he lets her walk all over him . i do like the kid , she can be a real wee sweetie at times , she gives me cuddles and kisses and she chats away to me and tells me all sorts of stories but shes always on her best behaviour when its just me and her or her dads not around , as soon as hes around she turns into a different child . i think maybe its a attention thing ,Im just finding it so hard at moment . I feel lke he can disiplin my dd because hes the only dad shes ever known but things are just so completly different with his dd and me because of the age gap . I feel guilty for even feeling this way because he is SOOOO good with my wee girl . 

has anyone been in a similar situation ?? and if so any tips on how to handle things ? i feel like im walking in the dark with this parenting thing at times . Please tell me its just an "age " thing and she will grow out of it

Edited by julz

i think Barnadoes does a "blended families" course for free that might be help. i am from a blended family myself but dad and my stepmum got together when I as 16, so really my Sm hasn't disciplned me at all - she's more like an aunt to me, than a parental figure

Julz - I can relate, our blended family consists of two step-children (12 and 15) my DS (4) and a DD together.

It is really hard and I don't find it any easier with the step-kids being older. If anything they are more cunning in their ways to get what they want from their father and come between us.

I found a couple of really great books that gave me some perspective (step-motherhood and step-parents parachute).

I found a lot of the lack of discipline is down to both guilt-parenting (they feel bad that the child has to be split between two homes etc) and different expectations from myself and DP. My father didn't mince words and wasn't lacking on immediate action when it came to discipline whereas DP's parents were a bit more into talking about feelings (why the kids were angry, upset etc). So when I think the step-kids are out of line he just thinks it's normal kid stuff.

If you want more info on the books PM me. I don't mind lending them to you if you can't find them at the library.

Blending families is hard work. She is probably just pushing the boundries and its hard to know whether its her age, that you are on the scene, or she just wants to be Daddy's main girl when she is around and is checking that she hasn't been replaced in this role by your or your baby.

It may be useful to see if there is a course that you could both go to, or read a few books on blending families or step families.

It must be pretty hard being a firm parent when you don't see them all the time. You wouldn't want to spend the little time you do have discipining them, but I agree with you that its necessary.

What I've read about blended families - it's up to the parent to discipline and for you to support. So I think it's a case of sitting down and talking to your DP about the situation and perhaps agreeing on some boundaries together and ideas of discipline etc. It's just going to get worse if you don't talk about it now! Good luck!

I agree with what ange221 said.

We have a blended family and it can be very tricky at times. The relationship between you and DH is the most important so you need to make sure that has communication and honesty (more than a standard family I think). Things will only get worse if she gets her own way each time she comes to you.

We normally have a 24 hour cool off time when my dd gets back from her fathers or when my sd arrives to stay. This is like an adjustment time for them to settle in (or back in). YOu could have takeaways on that night.

After that, "our" house rules apply no matter what. when my dd was younger, the way we worked the discipline was that DH could send her to her room and then I would listen to both sides of the story and decide on a outcome.   Sometimes DH would be a bit harsh since he had had no experience with kids before and would somtimes be a bit unreasonable with her. He is much better now :)   Because she lives with us, I always back DH up if he is telling her off now. If I don't agree, I talk to him in private about it. Its really important to have a united front so the kids feel secure and know where they stand.

Of course we still have issues, but we try and discuss it together so that we are both in agreement on the matter.

All the best...it is a tricky situation to be in.
Talk to your DH and tell him how you feel

Julz, I haven't been there, but I'm thinking from the perspective of knowing your DP and his DD since she was born, and how little girls get let away with a lot by their dads

I would set house rules (but do it with your DP, then explain them to P). Make Richard talk to her about them and let him know your frustrations with the difference in attitude without it sounding like you're trying to change their relationship.

With the food thing, that's up to him to enforce. Maybe a compromise to start with, but maybe get him to involve her in preparing the tea and then, even if she doesn't eat it, go on and on about how delicious the meal that P cooked for all of you (esp for Amelia, as I bet she dotes on her!) is. This might just turn her around.

She may be adjusting to seeing R being a father to another girl, and have the whole 'am I being replaced' feeling, which is completely normal and noone's fault, but needs to be addressed.

I bet it's hard for you. I guess her being the baby of the family for so long, and also having an older brother who I believe dotes on her means she's going to take a while to come around.

Good luck chick From what I've seen he's a pretty awesome dad, but it's always been clear she could get away with murder in his eyes (as most girls could with their dads!)

It could also be from your end a sense of hopelessness, because regardless of her behaviour, you know you have minimal control if that makes any sense? I'm just going by what I would feel in that position

Absolutely no advice but    It does sound like you've found an awseome guy to be Amelias dad and I'm sure you'll figure out how your little family works soon.