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Bubie 
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Joined: 23 August 2009
Location: Gore
Points: 276
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 Topic: No Dad....
Posted: 05 September 2010 at 1:10pm |
Just thought id post this here to get some advice 
Im 19 years old and dont talk to my dad who lives 12 hours away. I saw little bit's of him as a child when we lived in the same city as him but never got on with him at all. Then we moved away and i just never wanted to speak to him, im not too sure why. Well...ive tried to speak to him now, mainly to find out the reason's of why he also couldnt be bothered with me when i was little, my mum and him went to court about me and i have been able to read over all the letters from court.
Mums told me what he was like and also some very nasty things he has done, also told his workmates he never had a daughter at all, when infact he did... So when i contacted him i guess i just wanted clouser on the things he did and for him to admit to him, because he has never admitted to anything.
I sent him an email and all he did was tell me that it was all my mums fault and not his, and he said some very nasty things about mum, some things i will not tolerate hearing.
I have always been very hurt by not having a father but i cant seem to get why i cant just leave it where it is and not bother with him again, as he cant admit to anything and also say's nasty stuff, but for some reason i just cant bring myself to drop it and forget.
Has anyone else experienced the same thing or have any advice for me
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james
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
Points: 7255
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Posted: 05 September 2010 at 1:51pm |
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aww hun big big hugs it must be so hard esp today i dont like fathers day as my wee boys dad has nothing to do with him i hope in some way you can have some closer as by the sounds of it its not going to be thur your father big big hugs
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pikelets
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Joined: 08 April 2007
Location: Auckland
Points: 760
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Posted: 05 September 2010 at 1:52pm |
My situation is not the same but I know what it is like to not have a parent in your life as my Mum left when I was 14. We have hardly talked or been in touch with each other over the years and after the last time I just can't be bothered anymore so have cut my ties. I have DS now and don't want her in my life as I don't want her to be part of it. That saddens me, but I guess the Mum I miss is the Mum I wish she could be IYKWIM.
It took me years to get to that point and I sometimes still "grieve" I guess, that I don't have what others have, but I know that without her in my life, it is better. Time does heal.
Obviously I don't know the whole situation and there sounds like a bit of finger pointing going on. There are two sides to every story. I hope one day you will know the proper story.
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High9
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Joined: 14 July 2009
Location: North Island
Points: 6750
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Posted: 05 September 2010 at 5:40pm |
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My mum and dad split when I was about 1 or slightly just before anyway I finally 'met' him again by chance when I was 15. He made up some (imo) BS about having got me Bday and Xmas presents every year but was too 'scared' to send them to me. (He knew where I was) He apparently kept away because he knew my mum hadn't told me about him at all and he didn't want to 'tear my world apart'.
Anyway we have a 'relationship' now but it's nothing spectacular imo. We meet maybe once every 1-2 months if that. I am usually the one that has to contact him. He has never paid for ANYTHING for me except now the odd Bday or Xmas present.
No real advice but tbh if he doesn't want to acknowledge you, esp if he isn't even telling people about you then I wouldn't bother.
It's his loss, not yours and if you've gone your whole life so far without him then you def don't need him!
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Jacobsmumma
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Joined: 03 October 2008
Location: Aussie in Auckland
Points: 555
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Posted: 05 September 2010 at 6:59pm |
Hi Bubie, big hugs to you . My parents divorced when I was 3yrs old and I haven't had anything to do with my birth father but this is my own choice - I'm now 34yrs old.
Perhaps if you are serious about having a relationship with him that you leave the past issues between your parents just there, in the past. This could be easier said than done tho as I don't know what the problems were/are.
You could try to contact him again and suggest that you both start fresh to get to know each other. I guess it's up to you how many chances you give him, but as he's currently on your mind maybe this will help? Ultimately its up to you what you decide in the end.
Goodluck, I hope things work out for you 
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MummyFreckle
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Joined: 08 February 2007
Location: Auckland
Points: 4120
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Posted: 05 September 2010 at 9:16pm |
huge hugs to you, I know how much it can hurt to not have a relationship with your dad. I havent spoken to my Dad for 12 years, after telling him some "home truths" when he and my mum split when I was 21. He never came to my wedding (even though I invited him), he has never met his grandson or ever sent a card / email etc. He lives about 20mins away from me, and I have once bumped into him and we were civil and polite but I was basically talking to a stranger. I am often really sad about not having a Daddy, especially when I see things like Grandads with their grandkids or Dads walking their daughters down the aisle! However I made the choice to not have him in my life - I made the choice to not have the drama and angst that he would bring into my life, and I have chosen to not expose my husband and child(ren) to that.
It will sound harsh, but it comes down to whether or not he will "add value" to your life, I know that sounds awful, but in my opinion my life / family are too precious to want to include people who dont "deserve" to be a part of it.
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Bubie
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Joined: 23 August 2009
Location: Gore
Points: 276
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Posted: 08 September 2010 at 10:18pm |
Thank you everyone, ive decided to not bother with him, as you said mummyfreckle, our family is too precious to have people like that in it and im sure ive made the right decision
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4thtymlucky
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Joined: 15 November 2008
Location: Manukau
Points: 169
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Posted: 09 September 2010 at 8:21pm |
It can't be easy and I think you're pretty wonderful for even considering the things you've mentioned. You're definitely the bigger/better person for it and this experience can only help you to grow as a parent yourself. My hubby's dad passed away when he was 9 and he's never had a father figure apart from his brothers who acted as though they were his dad ( DH is the youngest of 12)...different scenario but it makes him conscious of being a good dad for our kids, if they were ever to be left with no dad for whatever reason...blessings and hugs
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Bubie
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Joined: 23 August 2009
Location: Gore
Points: 276
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Posted: 11 September 2010 at 5:42pm |
4thtymlucky - Thank you Im feeling alot better now by making that decision 
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jazzy
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Joined: 16 January 2009
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Posted: 11 September 2010 at 6:23pm |
Bubie I have to say its his loss If he does not want to be in your life. What happen between him & your mother has nothing to do with you & he should not say anything bad about her to you. It sounds like he doesn't know how to be a father or adult. I hope things change one day for you & you can be in each others lives because he is missing out big time now, but you have your own life with a little baby to enjoy & make the most of  all the best
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MrsFord
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Joined: 24 March 2010
Points: 221
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Posted: 11 September 2010 at 11:05pm |
I last saw my biological father when I was 16 and before that I was 6... He too blamed my mum and also ME for not having contact during the 10 years in between...
I am 26 now and it has hurt at times but honestly, I am lucky! Who wants a dad like that? I have a fantastic family who I love and love me and I have the worlds best and most reliable husband... can't miss what you never knew and I think of it as a good thing that I didn't have him around in my life to hurt me more than he did by just not being there.
Count yourself lucky hun, I know it's hard but his attitude is that it's everyone elses fault. He will never be there for you the way you would like  You have to try to move on.
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No Dad....
