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choco69 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 13 May 2011 at 7:26pm
Hi Ladies

My situation is abit different from most so just putting it out there to see if there are any other mums on Oh Baby who are in the same space as me.

Essentially I got to that age where I was at the point where if i didn't try to have a child on my own then I would be too old when Mr Right came along. So here I am 19 weeks pregnant at 41 years old.

Basically I am pregnant without the normal male input, ie using donor sperm rather than thru relationship or even sex. As I like to tease my catholic sis-in-law it was an immaculate conception (thanks to the fertility clinic).

I know it's not a decision that everyone would choose to make, and it's not a decision that some people are comfortable with however it was the right decision for me.

SMBC's like me seem to be a hidden element in society, there are no support groups, little information available (and certainly none in NZ), and yet there are dozens of single women having fertility treatment each year in Auckland alone. It just doesn't seem to be something that's talked about.

Don't get me wrong I have lots of family/friend support, just curious if there are any here, and if they want to get in touch to share experiences.



Janine

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Whateversville View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Whateversville Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2011 at 7:32pm
Hi Janine,
I'm not a SMBC, but I just wanted to say good on you! Being a mum is awesome! And it can be rather nice doing it alone

All the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy for you.
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Plushie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Plushie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2011 at 8:58pm
Hah, this might turn out to be very long and a bit confusing BUT:

When i met my babys dad i was researching buying sperm or using a sperm donar. I thought i was in the right space for a baby and had no interest in a relationship. I had planned to start the process in 6 months time to time with the quiet season of work and i was all planned out! My ex suggested that rather then go to the trouble and expense of a sperm donar and fertility clinic we could father my child with no strings attatched. We'd been friends for years at this point.

So i agreed! Brilliant, i thought, firstly its free, secondly there was no medical process and thirdly he would be around (though not as traditional father).

Soon after which i got exceedingly drunk and we had sex and despite my depo shot only having expired a few days previously i was up the spout!

This is where all this i will donate the sperm we won't have a relationship crap really came unravelled - he was stoked to be fathering a child and i became all emotional and decided we should get together and raise baby as a couple. After all we'd been friends for so long and why not? Of course within the first trimester it all went to crap (obviously it was going to happen, we were a jeremy kyle case) and most of my pregnancy was spent me screeching "you're just a sperm donor you have no rights" and him saying "thats not what i'd agreed THAT time we had sex!".

In the end we worked things out, he's a genuinely nice guy and cares for me and loves his son. He doesnt want me in a relationship i don't want and he loves his son enough that he agrees he stays with me because thats whats best for him. He sees him occasionally and we have visited him a few times and he will always be 'dad' and in his life but the day to day parenting is all mine.

So long story condensed - i fully intended to be a single mom by choice but accidentally got knocked up by my inteded sperm donor before it could happen officially!

Good luck with your pregnancy and your new baby - though its a hard slog being a single mom has its benefits, all the smiles and cuddles are all yours!
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HuntersMama View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote HuntersMama Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2011 at 4:33pm
Good on you! I am not a SMBC but I can fully understand why people would make that choice. Being a mum (single or not) is the best

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Bizzy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:21am
Originally posted by HuntersMama HuntersMama wrote:

Good on you! I am not a SMBC but I can fully understand why people would make that choice. Being a mum (single or not) is the best


good that some people can... i think it is a bit selfish myself. I dont know if there are any others on here though so good luck in finding a SMBC community.

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Emmecat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Emmecat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:29pm
Why is it selfish Bizzy?

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.Mel View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote .Mel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:29pm
Originally posted by Bizzy Bizzy wrote:

Originally posted by HuntersMama HuntersMama wrote:

Good on you! I am not a SMBC but I can fully understand why people would make that choice. Being a mum (single or not) is the best


good that some people can... i think it is a bit selfish myself. I dont know if there are any others on here though so good luck in finding a SMBC community.


That's a bit harsh!

Why is it selfish?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BeLoved Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:31pm
Good on you, I am sure there are a few other Mums on here in the same kind of position and in no way think that its selfish at all!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mummyofprinces Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:36pm
Every person who decides to have a child whether single or as a couple is making a selfish choice.THEY are choosing to create a life for themselves not for the child.

Choco, its awesome to see you are pg!!!! (I may have the wrong person) I am pretty sure I remember you from the charting thread so great to see you found a donor and had a successful implant!!!!!!

I am not a SMBC but I am a mum by choice so if you ever want to catch up for a coffee just send me a pm


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Lexidore View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lexidore Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:36pm
Hope you get some support, I hate to see people that come in and have to say something negative about what you are doing, good for you hun! And Bizzy I'm sorry but didn't anyone ever teach you if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all?

Oh Janine totally been stalking and congrats on a wee girl


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choco69 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote choco69 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:42pm
Thanks for all the lovely support ladies

Don't be too hard on Bizzy, she's entitled to a decision just like we all are.

And yes having a child is a selfish choice, it's one every mother chooses whether the pregnancy is planned or not.

I knew when I posted that not everyone would agree with my choice, however I know from conversations with the staff at the fertility clinic that there are alot of women out there making the same choice. Was just hoping that by putting my hand up that they would realise that they are not alone.

I am very fortunate in that my family and friends are incredibly supportive of me and my baby. As my mother said to me when I told her what I was intending to do .. There is no such thing as a single parent, every parent has someone to lean on and support them whether they realise it or not.

Guess it's the old it takes a village to raise a child.

eta: just wanted to say was really open with my due date group from the beginning and they were all so lovely and welcoming (it was a real relief!)

Edited by choco69

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Lexidore View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lexidore Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:45pm
Janine you are an amazing lady!


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shelt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 8:51pm
I'm not a SMBC but I definitely have thought about the possibility pre-child. I always thought if I was still single at a certain age I would consider the possibility of going ahead and having one before it was too late. I admire your courage in putting your hand up for having made the decision. Being a single mum isn't easy but its worth it. I love my daughter with all my heart and I don't regret the hard yards at all.

And yes - it does take a village to raise a child. I couldn't be a single parent without the support of my family
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nothing Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 9:41pm
I say well done to you, it must of been a tough decision but it will totally be worth it! I have always thought that if things dont work out with DD's dad then I would use a donor to have another child, Im totally not having an only child!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote julz85 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:33pm

i think what your doing is fantatsic , good on you . you obviously really want a child and why shouldnt you have one ? i dont see a reason why you have to be married or in a relationship to have a baby and why YOU should miss out on the joys of a child just because you arent in a relationship , i dont see it as being selfish at all . If you can support a child emotionally , physically and financially on your own and your at a stage in your life where time may be an issue in finding the perfect man to settle down with than why not go for it ? whats seflish about bringing a new life into this world and loving it and caring for it ?

my daughter isnt bought up by her biological father at all and she is no worse for it , she is happy and healthy and i give her plenty of attention and love  

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Bizzy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:38pm
Originally posted by .Mel .Mel wrote:

Originally posted by Bizzy Bizzy wrote:

Originally posted by HuntersMama HuntersMama wrote:

Good on you! I am not a SMBC but I can fully understand why people would make that choice. Being a mum (single or not) is the best


good that some people can... i think it is a bit selfish myself. I dont know if there are any others on here though so good luck in finding a SMBC community.


That's a bit harsh!

Why is it selfish?


why is stating my opinion harsh?

I think its selfish to purposely deny a child a parent. Once again though that is just my opinion, and as we all on OB know we dont all have to share the same opinions.

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Lexidore View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lexidore Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:44pm
I think because there seemed to be no real point in you needing to say it? Janine didn't start the thread to get peoples opinions on what she is doing she is looking for other people in her same situation to talk to?


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Bizzy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:46pm
And yes Lexiesmumma i have heard that - i didnt say anything nasty or mean... in fact i wished her luck in finding a support group and even said i dont think there are any other mothers in the same situation on OB.

But this isnt about me or my opinions its about choco69 looking for a support network.

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TheKelly View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TheKelly Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:53pm
You know what Choco69? the world is a messed up,cruel,unfair place.
One of the biggest injustices is that people who would be fantastic parents,can not be...and people who get given the gift of a child to love,treat it little better than a worm.
By the sounds of it,this is something you have longed for for ages,you sound over the moon about this baby... but also realistic,nervous just like any new mum whether single or parenting with a partner,and it sounds to me like your baby is going to be very well loved.
Being a single parent is hard,yes...but its not impossible.
I think its great news for you,and I wish you all the best in the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations!


Edited by TheKelly





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Bizzy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2011 at 10:54pm
Lexiesmum we posted at the same time... well at least i said i didnt think there were any other mothers on here in the same situation.

i dont see why i cant state an opinion on this thread but its alright on others. The OP has probably heard a lot worse than that and no doubt will again. Oh and i was responding to what Huntersmama said, thats why i quoted her.

and if you want clarification on why i think it is selfish it is because i have met many people over the years who have been adopted or lost parents and heard the pain when they talk of the "parent" they dont have, and in the case of adoptees quite often a parent they will never know.

edited to clarify who i was talking to...

Edited by Bizzy

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