So how do you cope?

Sorry u are going through this.

Things definatly improved for me with time, but it sure was a big emotional rollercoster. The sadness and upset could hit at any moment when I thought I was fine too, and the milestones like the scan dates and last week, the due date, were hard.

I talked about it. But I had told everyone I was pregnant- I already had a bump. I also was physiaclly very sick for a long time after the mc so I didnt return to work properly til 8 weeks after. I haemorraged and had 3 nights in hospital with blood transfusions etc. I was too exhausted and weak to even look after my kids on my own for 3 weeks.

There were defiatly a lot of times when I had to leave or not attend social situations when I felt overwhelmed with emotions- was reminded of the huge loss and felt envious/jealous of others - not wishing this on them, but wishing I wasnt going through it myself. I had 2 friends who started ttc at the same time as me- one now has a 5 month old and the other is due next week- her baby shower was on sat and I was glad I had to work as I couldnt face atteneding and it was the perfect excuse.

Sorry none of that probably helps,..but know u arent alone and it IS sh*t, and it DOES get better

Kalika, it is so, so hard. But it does get better. I took 2 weeks off work and forced myself not to be too busy so I could just grieve. I did lots of reading, talked about it heaps and was really open with friends. I wrote heaps on here and supported other ladies and that was really helpful too. The reason I told everyone was that I refused to be part of a secret sad club and I needed people to know how I was feeling. I avoided social situations and felt ok about saying no. I did things I enjoyed and we did something nice to acknowledge the baby. I had the remains, so DH and I chose a rose bush and planted the remains in with it. Recently, I have also contacted a counselor at the hospital and this has also helped. I am thinking about talking to someone at SANDS here in Christchurch for support. I know that you will find some things that are right for you and don't forget, there are lots of us and you can PM us any time. xxx

Aww Kalika, they sound like lovely ways to acknowledge your baby .

I have considered announcing on FB too. Just saying something like - "hey everyone, just letting you all know that we were pregnant but unfortunately our baby died at 11 weeks gestation" - I was going to attach my ticker as well. I haven't done it yet because there are also some people on there from my professional world that I wouldn't want to inform, but I might do it yet. I have emailed lots of people who are close to us though.

Good luck with what you decide to do. BTW, how did things pan out in the end? Did you go naturally or medical management or D&C?

I would just like to thank you Pepi-bebe for giving me the strength to make an announcement on facebook. I wasn't as brave as you, so only made the announcement to the people I have met through being a mum to my 2yo daughter. But since having her I have had 2 mc a 8 weeks, a partial molar at 16 weeks and this time mc at 12. The support since announcing on fb has been amazing. I'm so glad you put the idea out there. I never would have considered it before reading your post.
Hopefully this time people will think twice before asking questions like when I'm going to have number 2. Cringe!

I miscarried last week at almost 8 weeks. It was my first pregnancy. It took us almost ten months to get pregnant and we had been so excited. Being a mother is more important to me than just about anything. I have been ridiculously up and down since then. Some days I kind of forget and am able to be happy and laugh and live my life. But then something will remind me; seeing a baby playing at the park, remembering a plan I had for my child, remembering our visit to the midwife two days before I started bleeding. And I will cry and cry at what could have been, what should have been. I have done a lot of crying over the last couple of weeks. I know there's nothing I did wrong, but I can't help going down the path of "what if I had done this/hadn't done that".

I took a few days off one of my jobs but I had unfortunately just started a new job and didn't want to take a whole lot of sick leave in my first few weeks so I worked right through my miscarriage, which was really hard, especially as I am a teacher and that means working with kids.

I am still bleeding almost two weeks later but my scan on Monday showed that there is little left and it should finish soon.

I had told a few friends (the ones who knew we were trying) and our families and sent them a private message to let them know what had happened. Weirdly, I don't want to talk about it to anyone other than my husband. My in-laws keep saying to let them know when I'm ready to talk but I don't think I'll ever want to talk to them about it. But at the same time, I want everyone to know. It feels really strange that most of my friends have no idea what I am going through and I kind of do want to announce it on facebook or just shout it out to the world. Maybe I'll do that when I'm coping a bit better myself.

The only thing keeping me going at the moment is the knowledge that I can get pregnant (we had been starting to worry) and that I will try again really soon. I only hope it does not take as long this time. I put all the baby things (pregnancy books, donated clothes from friends and family, my scan picture and the pregnancy test) in a box and I won't open it again until I am pregnant again. That's part of my coping mechanism, not having to look at those things and be constantly reminded.

I am Jewish and friends have told me that miscarriages happen when the soul of your baby is so high that all they need to achieve can be done in a few weeks in your womb, that they are too lofty to really cope in this physical world so just have a taste of it. At first, that didn't help at all, but it is starting to I think. Only next time, G-d willing, I would like a more lowly soul that requires an entire lengthy lifetime to complete his/her purpose.

This is honestly the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through and I can only pray that neither me nor any of you should ever have to go through this again!!

Thank you tan73!

I ordered a flower bud charm and I'm going to buy a charm bracelet. When I have other children, I will get open flower charms for each of them. That way all my children will be represented. I think this will help with closure. I love the idea of planting a tree but I rent so... There's a certain charity organisation that plants trees in Israel so I may pay for a tree in memory of my baby that way.

Tamarian so sorry to hear you have been through a MC

I totally agree with you it is one of the hardest things I have ever been through, harder than all the EQs we have put up with down here, and I know you get sick of hearing it but 'it will get easier'

I think Tan may have said earlier that when you feel like crying, then let yourself, it is good therapy in itself. Your partner will know why and understand. Even if the thing that set you off is dropping your toast on the ground or something trivial!

This is probably going to sound quite ridiculous but I think this was my turning point.. I'd had quite a rough week, I was a bit fed up with everyone and everything, but then on Friday I'd had a really good day at work and came home in the best mood of the whole week. Hubby had to tell me one of his farm dogs who he brought home with him to collect the trailer had hunted out and killed my pet bantam rooster. I just bawled. This lovely little guy (Roger) had been dumped at our proprty a few months back, had clearly been a pet as he had clipped wings and was friendly and he'd made himself at home with my bantam hen (who isn't friendly) and was such a cutie, he'd come if you called him and eat our your hand etc and here I was, had a bad week but was in a great mood and I couldn't believe THIS had now happened. I felt a bit silly, here's a 30 year old woman crying over a rooster but it was that on top of everything else, but I really think that 'breakdown' helped me clear out a lot of the sadness I was holding back.

I think your idea of a charm bracelet is lovely, its a visible reminder that you will cherish forever

I think they recommend you wait just so that your body can get back to normal hormone levels. The window of opportunity to actually fall pregnant is a matter of days so if you are tracking you could just make sure you abstain over those days mid-cycle and wouldn't need contraceptive

(my non-medical, non-professional advice!)