When the sh*t hits the fan...

I had an interesting night last night, and even though hubby and mum and others have been fabulously supportive... I need to vent here a bit - hope you've got your reading goggles on folks !

I will start with a bit of backstory for you all... (and yes, in point form coz I'm lazy)

* I'm adopted. The lady who I consider my "real" mum got me when I was two weeks old, and is the one who is in NZ now and is Erin's nana.

* I got in contact, almost by accident, with my birth mother six years ago, through a Canadian adoptees website. (We were matched up by a facilitator once I was "of age" legally etc)

* My birth mom has never told her own mother about me, nor about my half sister (and that is a long story in itself). This has eaten away at me for ages.

* I've asked a LOT of times for my bio mom to consider telling her mom about me for my sake, and for Erin's. She has always given me some cop-out excuse and never made any progress towards dealing with the issues that are stopping her.

* I got a bit fed up, and with the help of a counsellor I am seeing, decided it was time for me to find my bio grandma and write her a letter.

* I wrote and posted the letter last Thursday, along with a couple of photos of myself, Roland and Erin. It wasn't a long letter, just had the basic facts etc.

* My bio mom has two sisters (my aunts), who I chat with a bit more regularly via MSN etc, and whom I thought I had better relationships with. WRONG.

* Last night I was chatting with one of my bio aunts and thought I would do what I felt was the "right" thing, and be honest with her, and tell her as a kind of "heads up" that I had sent this letter.

* The result was that she exploded, and I was bombarded with several lovely emails trying to threaten me and make me feel guilty about what I had done.

* My birthmom all of a sudden appeared online, even though I hardly ever get the chance to chat with her on MSN as she is almost always "busy" etc. and I got a couple of messages from her too that weren't so pleasant, so I blocked her.

I kind of fell apart a bit, because while I knew this might happen, it was a bit of a shock that they were *this* angry at me. I guess I refused to be kept a secret any longer, even though they (bio aunts) tried to use their moms "bad health" as an excuse for how terrible it was that I had brought the truth out into the open.

As far as I'm concerned, this chapter of my life is now closed - I never had any expectations that my bio g/ma would contact me or want to know me, I just wanted her to *know* - that was it, plain and simple.

And so far, I'm managing OK. It's a little sad, but I'm trying not to think about it too much - and focus on the wonderful loving family that I *do* have instead.

Anyway... that's it ! Thanks for listening ladies - I appreciate so so so much that this is a place where I can come and feel comfortable about having a big whinge when I need it LOL And hopefully haven't bored you all senseless yet.



Edited by jax

Oh chicka im so sorry they have taken it that way. I would imagine it would be a HUGE shock to the system so maybe over time she will calm down and get back in contact with you.

I was adopted by my father and i met my bio father a few years ago but i have changed all my numbers coz i simply do not want to know him hes an alcoholic and would always call me drunk.

I know its easier said than done but dont let it get to you, you have a wonderful mother here who loves you so much! And is forever grateful that she could have you and then be blessed with a grandchild.

I hope everything smooths out for you tho!

Thanks ladies !! I'm just going to go back and edit a few typos though *sigh* Am a bit "away with the fairies" today

that is such a shame that both your bio mum and auties have reacted this way, and I feel you did the right thing and in the same situation I would have done it too. Sending your lots of hugs and thinking of you.

Oh wow.....Jax...big .

Like every body has said...it is their loss....You are a lovely person, and Erin is just beautiful. What a shame that they are soooo blind!!

Never mind, you have a wonderful mum here, a supportive hubby and a beautiful girl..and thats all that matters!

Well I think you did the right thing
You are a special and lovely person and if they didn't want to "expose" you then I really think that they have a lot more thinking to do on the subject (plus I very naughtily said what I really think last night to you anyways!).
Bless you special girl

Jax at the end of the day it is their loss. They will miss out on you and Roland and Erin. And for her having a grand daughter that she is missing out on is her problem. You did the right thing and keep to it.

good on you Jax, hope things work out.

Well, my general stance on it is this: my bio-mum is a grownup, I'm a grownup, I approached it like a grownup, so there's nothing more I can do !! Well, nothing more I can do yet - my mum pointed out to me last night that I could send another copy of the letter a couple of months down the track and they would have no idea. This is on account of my theory that they will try to intercept the letter before it gets to their mom, whether or not they can pull that off is yet to be seen I suppose.

But before I get carried away with anymore rambling, I want to say a *huge* THANK YOU so so so SO much to you all... the support means a lot, and not just in a sugar coated soppy way !!

As for "issues" ie: skeletons, I think there may have been abuse in their family in the past, my REAL mum has met my bio mum too (in person) and apparently my bio g/dad is an alcoholic. Yikes. So I can understand how that would make it difficult BUT, that doesn't mean they couldn't have told me. The surprise out of all of last night's mess was that they seemingly didn't anticipate that it might eventually come to something like this - go figure.

I wasn't prepared to wait another six years, and have my bio g/ma pass away before anything might happen... either way (whether she finds out or not) what was I / am I supposed to tell Erin when she is old enough to understand? I'm not going to hide it from her, but is another thing that makes me kinda sad to think about.

The next challenge for me to tackle will be whether or not I track down my half sister and her family, as I have a bit of info about who / where they are (in Canada), but will give myself a bit of time to process this latest kerfuffle first of course. You may have already guessed it, but my bio g/ma doesn't know about my bio/half-sis either... AND it used to be that apparently my bio/half sis didn't know she was adopted Even with it supposedly being an "open" adoption the second time around. Michelle is about six years younger than me, I think, but as II mentioned I only have a few fairly small pieces of info to go on.

Right, ramble pt.2 over

Edited by jax

She seems mean Jax......

I dont know the back ground of it all but, I would have thought that she would feel some kinda love towards you...after all she is your mum, and she would like to share you with the rest of the family....but it does not seem to be the case. from her comment "invation of privace" it feels as if they dont think of you as part of their family!!! Do you want to carry on keeping ties with them?

Sorry I would have no idea how you must feel...but I feel angry that they have abused you in such a way.

Well I think sending a copy of the letter to your G/Mother again is a good idea. I was actually thinking that when I read your post....now that they know, they will clear their mothers mail every day.

Good luck with your Half sister....hope that turns out better for you!