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Jay_R 
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Location: Onehunga, Auckland
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 Topic: Competitive Friends... VENT!!!
Posted: 08 January 2007 at 11:31am |
Ok, now I know we all think our babe's are the best, most beautiful, so far advanced little wonder children in the world, but I am being driven crazy by an old friend who is CONSTANTLY trying to compare her little boy to Joshua. And it's EVERYTHING, from car seat, to cot, to the babies sizes, lengths, weight, eye colour..... it's endless  I now dread answering the phone in case it's her ringing to brag, and I make any lame excuse to get off the phone when it is her. They are a couple of months different in age (Joshie is older), and personally I am not interested in comparing them, but I find myself getting caught up in it all, and I really don't want to be one of those mums!! Please help, she is a great friend and I don't want to cut off contact, but I'm running out of ideas!!!
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Bombshell
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 11:40am |
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you need to think of some comeback that will shut her up and make her think...
do you have another child you can mention other than your own that is BETTER than what she is telling you? if not make up one from daycare, a colleagues child (someone she doesnt know) etc to put her in her place that there is a child better than hers that you know of....sounds awful but it might work?
If that doesnt work or you want another route try saying straight out to her that is sounds like she is tryign to make the kids competitive already and you arent like that - say "i hope that isnt what you are doing.." etc...and make her think about it...
shame when friends get like this....
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miss
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 11:43am |
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Hmmm. Tricky! Many parents can't help but compare I have found (as a teacher).
Perhaps you could treat what she is doing more as a way of her learning what to expect/.asking advice, than as a competition. So when she brings something up you could say somthing like how great it is that Josh is that couple of months older so she knows what to expect. Then mention that you saw a book at the library/shop etc that has milestones in it that and maybe that would be helpful for her to know even more in advace what to expect.
Do you get what I mean? If you can sidestep the comparison and make it more of a this happens next thing, maybe she will calm down. As to comparing 'belongings' like car seats etc, refer her to consumer magazine or something like that, with aresponse to a question like 'oh, what sort of x have you got Josh, we got bob an x brand'. Just say something like - 'consumer magazine had a article comparing x last year - did you see it? Trying to side step what you have completely and turning it more to the issue might distract her.
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Peace
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 12:08pm |
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Well it seems that I can't seem to get away from these women myself, as a matter of fact I ended up just walking away from a friendship, as I couldn't be bothered with it when I was pregnant.
But to this day the girl still rabbits on about how I do things to others and slips in how she is either going to do it better or different. Although she says it not so you would know but people do pick it up in conversations and tell me about it (which is just as bed really).
I think that you have to either ignore it or do what I should have done and hit it square on. If she makes a comparison say "Look this isn't a competition, every person/pregnancy/baby is different".
I have another friend who is currently still my friend and I love her to bits and she sort of does the same thing but because we cheer each other on it makes it different.
Say, her daughter was showing signs just before christmas that she might be interested in crawling, lifting bum in the air etc. My friend was so happy and rang up to tell me, I was so pleased for her! Olivia kind of follows on what her baby does and started crawling (as you would probably know from my insane bragging) sponaneously a couple of days ago. I txt her and she was so happy for me! But when the issue of her baby (who is still just showing signs) not getting into it all yet cropped up. I pointed out that her baby does lots of stuff mine can't even comprehend and I can't wait till Olivia can do some of the stuff that she can!
I guess that last bit of ramble is all about how there can be a healthy side of it as well.
I hope that you can find a solution Clare!
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DD1 May 2006
DD2 March 2011
DD3 August 2012
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Jay_R
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 12:15pm |
Thanks for this girls, one thing I should have mentioned is that I ALWAYS cheer her on, making comments like "wow, thats fantastic, it's so early on for him to be doing that" and all the other appropriate noises. But never does she do the same. Oh, grrrrrrrrrrrr..... makes me feel sad 
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kezplanet
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 12:26pm |
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Maybe she is feeling very insecure as a mum, and I can see from what you have posted that you are cheering her on but maybe direct some of the attention her way and parise her as a mum. She may also be lonely (maybe understandable if she does this to others), if you have the time maybe ask leading questions to get her to talk about how she is feeling?
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Kerryn, Mum to
Ashlyn(29/3/04), Anastasia(1/11/05) & Abigail (24/02/09)
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busymum
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 12:29pm |
She's probably just wrapped up in her little baby and doesn't even realise what she's doing. Often comparing (out loud or otherwise) is a way of assuring yourself that you (or your baby) are doing okay.
Still, it sounds really frustrating to you and perhaps a bit extreme. Is there anything else you guys can talk about? Either change the topic or say one day, I love our little babies (or my baby) but I'd really like to talk about something other than babies today.
(Your ticker is down today so I'm presuming he's still a baby  )
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 12:45pm |
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I had a friend like that (her baby was 3 months younger than Andrew). I ended up cutting ties with her as it just drove me mad. I had 3 other friends that had babies around the same time as me. Andrew was the first and so for the other 2 they just expected that Andrew would do things first as he was the oldest. When Andrew cut his first tooth (about 5 months) the other womans child was 2 months and had "also" cut a tooth. Andrew walked at 9 months (god I hated that) and her baby "also" started walking at 7 months. Both of which never happened with her child she just couldn't handle someone elses child doing things before her's. Since cutting ties with her it has been great. She also told one of the other woman that her child should be walking at 1 year and if she isn't walking to get her checked out by a dr as there maybe something wrong with her, sorry but babies develop at their own speed and there is no defined time they have to do something.
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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11111
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 1:52pm |
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Not had time to read this, but I totally feel for you I have a friend that is competive too drives me nut's.
Oh and I spent my whole life competeing with my Mother.
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Roksana
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Posted: 08 January 2007 at 3:00pm |
Oh Clare...sorry that you have to go thru that...man that sucks!
I dont have any suggestions on this, as I have no idea.
I am the only one with a baby among all our close frinds and the only other friend has a 4 year old so cant compare really.
Zaara has 1 tooth and is just starting to take steps...while other babies her age is way ahead...but I never think about it! I am happy for all other kiddys when they achieve some thing and patiently wait for my DD to do the same (when she feels comfy). I am over the moon when she does.....
I dont know what you could do but jusy "ahha" thru those conversations and change the topic!!??
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Jay_R
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Posted: 09 January 2007 at 9:08am |
Thanks lovely ladies  At first I thought it was her just needing reassurance that she was doing ok, and I know she made comments to others about me being "so on to it" (yeah right  ) after Joshie was born. But just lately it had gotten really over the top, and it is affecting our friendship. But I think I'll just let it go, and stop any competitive talk as soon as it starts.
Thanks again, I'm so happy to have this wonderful forum to get sane, sound advice
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Kazzle
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Posted: 09 January 2007 at 9:33am |
If she is a good friend Clare, then maybe you can just nip it in the butt and tell her that you feel uncomfortable with all the comparing etc etc...it is possible that she doesnt realise what she is doing...
I am sorry you are going through this as its not nice and it is a hard thing to deal with.
Hmmm must give you a call sometime soon to catch up as well...lol and i dont mean to compare our babies either
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Andie
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Posted: 09 January 2007 at 11:13am |
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Lots of us 'compare' what our babies are doing because it's interesting seeing who reaches what milestones when... like in the October mums thread I'll sometimes ask things like if anyone's rolling (Ella tries but for the life of her can't roll from her back! and I'm just curious to see if others are or not - not because I'm worried that Ella's backwards, or think she's an absolute genius, but it's really interesting to see the huge differences in when babies reach different milestones, and it's so cool to celebrate with other mums when their baby or mine is being clever (as you know so well, 'cause you're a cheerer-on-er!). What I'm saying is maybe she's being competitive, or maybe she's being curious, or maybe even insecure. How would it go down if you simply told her how those conversations make you feel?? She can't argue with that facts of how you feel at the end of the day, and telling her that is a gentle way of letting her know how much you hate the comparisons - might salvage the friendship!
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Andie
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Competitive Friends... VENT!!!
