What are your thoughts?

DH's family go kinda nuts when it comes to present shopping and it's starting to bug me. It annoyed me a bit before we got preggers just cause of the amount of money they spent but because we didn't have money worries or anything I just let it slide. But now we are about to go down onto one income I think it's an extravagant expense that we can't really afford.

To explain, at christmas if you spend under $100 it's seen to be being cheap. Then come birthdays you are expected to be even more easy with your wallet. For example.. DH's parent's spent $500 on his last birthday, then $400 on his birthday before that. DH never spends less than $130ish on a birthday present for people in his family.

With my family they are content with hearing from you (phone call) on their birthday, there is none of this obligation crap at all. I don't buy my own parents presents on their birthdays. At christmas time we spent at least twice as much on his family as we did on mine (for the same amount of people).

SO the reason for this post. It's DH's nan's birthday coming up and he's trying to decide what to get her. The things he's suggesting makes it clear he's thinking of spending about $100. The thing is, he really dislikes his nan. And dislike is being very nice. His whole family have the same opinion of her. Then a couple of weeks after this it's his dad's birthday - now I don't expect him not to get his father anything, I want him to get his dad a gift but the thing is I know he's going to be all extravagant because his brother is going to be getting his dad some flying lessons and DH is going to try and "match it".

I've tried saying to him that I can't see the justification behind spending so much money on presents when they should just be happy you have remembered their birthday etc and understand that we aren't rolling in cash with a new baby only a couple of months away but he prattles on about how it is expected of him and if he doesn't do what everyone else does then he is looked down on.

Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to cut back on spending so much on presents?

Also, if you don't think it is unreasonable how do I make him not just understand that we can't really afford it but also that despite this he shouldnt just do it because everyone else expects him to?

I don't know that I've explained this very well with my preggy brain but hopefully you get the jist

To be honest, I think it's a pretty clear cut situation.

You can't afford it. If his family don't like it, tough luck.

Knit nan a scarf, make dad some choccies, problem solved! (well it's what I'd do anyway!!!)

We're lucky that in our family, such a thing is not expected at all.

Last Christmas for example we got each family member small pressies and I baked a gift box and everyone was really stoked! On the whole family (including secret santa and kids pressies) we spent around $200, the largest expense being Maddie's peek and play dome.

Also the family set the family secret santa at a $10 limit for the purpose of not putting pressure on the two young couples (me and B and SIL and her hubby)who are not as fiscal as the rest of the family. We all still had a great time with it...even if it was challenging!

As for hubby you're just going to have to sit him down and lay the facts on the table.

Good luck!

Edited by Paws

Oh Stacey, poor you! What a hard situation.....

Doing secret sants for xmas is a great idea that we do each year now that we are all 'adults'. We only have to buy for one other personand we set a $35 limit. So it meant that we only had to spend $70 in total (apart from buying for each other).

I like Paws idea of making something for presents. Maybe, your hubby might see that as being more special than how much has been spent???

Anyway, best of luck!!!!

Stzcey, do you get on with his parents? I would tell them your concerns and they might be able to help you make DH see that it isn't going to worry people what they get, and that people totally understand the one income thing!

As an example, my sister never gets us pressies as they are useless with money. She used to worry about it because you want to buy your family nice things. Now, because she knows we don't care, she is cool about it, and we still giver her stuff (though not for every thing).

Dh's parents are loaded and buy us insane presies (yay us), and there is no pressure from them to reciprocate - but I can see how there could be if it hadn't been communicated by them that they didn't want us buying big pressies. So I reckon getting the inlaws to realise what is happening will really help.

Not to mention the cool kick of reality once you are down to one income!

Hmmm, maybe you could 'confide' in his mum one day - a girlie chat along the lines of how worried you are about maybe needing to return to work earlier than you would like because of money, what with the ulk of birthdays still to come and christmas ahead too. try and lead her naturally to it and she may even think of it herself? As the ringleader you kind of need her to be the ringleader of change.

Might work, might not - the secret will be to do it without her realising you are trying to mainipulate her!

Well if hubby really wants to spend that much money on presents you can't afford you could always suggest he works over time (if that is available for extra pay) or that he might like to pick up a second job (that was my hubby's suggestion!)

Oooh ooohhh... that makes SO MUCH sense, Liz!  Ah Stacey, that's an awkward situation to be in.  But if it's as simple as you can't afford to spend that much on gifts (BTW - in my books that's a helluva lot to spend on them!), then you can't afford it.  Drawing up a budget together and choosing amounts that you are willing to spend on the somewhat flexible stuff like groceries, entertainment, etc, after  you've itemised what you spend on all your regular bills  might help you agree on an amount you're both happy to spend on prezzies. 

Well we have talked about this before at lunch , but I still think he needs to stop the trying to compete with his brother and realise that spending all that money does not equal love (althou I do think that it is instilled in his brain). Specially with his nan (I remember the stories), she really doesn't need anything an IOU for a "cute" baby pic would be good. If he's doing it only to compete then he really does have some issues. I do remember it is him saying money needs to be pulled under control then this is a perfect time to show him how to pull it under control.

I also think that once you implement the new idea and do it a couple of times -- say, spend $30 on a birthday gift two or three times -- the rest of the family will get the hint and it will become easier for you to do it without feeling like you're being cheap or rude. You're the ones who have to take a stand, and it's up to the rest of the family whether they follow suit. If you give FIL a $30 present and he still gives DH a $100 present, that doesn't mean you have to give FIL a $100 present next year. Just stick to your guns. And if anyone asks you about it, you can explain that you're trying to save money for the baby. They can't argue with that!!!

Two Christmases ago, DH and I made a point to tell our ILs that we didn't want to do gifts any more. SIL and BIL didn't believe us and gave us a super-expensive present. Then last Christmas, thinking they were going to give us something expensive again, I made them a tree skirt -- but they gave us a container of those Cookie Time biscuits they sell to businesses at Christmases. So we're still working out the kinks of this process, obviously!

I ended up talking to him last night and ended up blubbering at him lol - stupid preggy hormones!!!! Just because I knew it would be slightly confrontational I ended up blubbering. But the result is that for his nan at least shes only gonna get a card this time around. And I think we have worked something out for christmas. It's just gonna be the birthdays I'll tackle as they come up, I've already figured out something nice but cheaper for his mum's birthday lol.