Trusting people

I've been thinking about this a bit lately. There is a person in our life who has access to our children that I don't trust. There hasn't been anything in particular but it is just 'something' and my instincts have always been pretty bang on with people and since it concerns my kids I am listening to it! The thing is, I can't really talk to DH about it as this person is part of our life through him and I'm not sure how he would take it. So far I have managed to never leave the kids alone with him but I'm not sure what to do if it ever comes up. Lots of people bang on about how men are treated as far as kids go- DHs family especially (when that thing about the man not being alowed to sit next to a child on a plane happened they were up in arms!).

I can see both sides- I have a male cousin who stopped teaching as a male co worker was accused of abuse and it scared him away from the profession, which I think is so sad as he is wonderful with children and its a complete loss. My aunt wouldn't let her son go to solo guitar lessons with his male teacher when he offered them as she wasn't comfortable with it. I have had friends who have let my DH babysit their children (along with our DD) on his own- I often wondered if I would do the same in the same circumstances with my DD, I doubt I would.

So where do you guys think the line is? I'm trusting my guts and theres no way I am risking that I am wrong with my childrens well being because an adult might take offence. But I'm interested to see what you guys think. No doubt the opinions will be strong and varied!

Go with your instincts. If you're interested I've just finished reading an amazing book on child predators in NZ (okay, so it's slightly off topic and is a dark read but I couldn't put it down). It's called 'Into the Darklands' by Nigel Latta. He's a child psychologist and worked with offenders for years. The book is amazing and gave me an insight into trusting instincts and trying to keep kiddies safe. He's also written a couple of other books - 'Read this book before your kids drive you crazy' and another one out recently that I can't recall because it's too early in the morning for my brain to function just yet. All available at a public library near you....

Nigel has worked with CYFS for years and has an insight into predators in families and cross generational abuse etc...he is def a psych I would recommend to read...but then it might heighten your fears where they may not be warranted

if in doubt - go with your gut....and if it ever comes to point where DH needs to be involved as him if he would ever forgive himself (or you) if your gut proved to be right....

Definitely go with your instincts, like you said, your childrens well being is more important than anything!

I am definitely the sort of person that shouldn't read books about predatory men, it would only serve to make me more anxious than I already am!

I agree with everyone else tho Jennz, trust your gut instinct. You have nothing to lose if you are wrong (except possibly him as a friend, but if you get this vibe from him, that's probably not much loss!) and everything to gain by protecting your children from him if you are right.

Heh Emma - me too with the books. Nigel is so damned funny to read though I can't put his books down, no matter how dark the topic. Reading it actually made me a little less paranoid.

yep - go with the instincts...bad people groom kiddies...over 90% of bad things that happen to kiddies in that way are done by people they know. Always go with the instincts and don't feel bad for doing so. I have three sons and an amazing husband (and dad and other men in my life) but that doesn't mean that if there was a person, be it female or male that was creeping me out or I felt off about I would let them alone near the kiddies. I have a friend who has hooked up with a guy that completely creeps me out for the same reason...and my children are NEVER left anywhere near alone with him.

Charlotte is of an age now where you are probably already a bit careful about leaving her in the company of a man alone, if nothing else for "rumour's" sake. We have already been talking with our Hannah about how naked bodies are private and she can show Mum or Dad or a lady that she knows if she is having trouble or needs help. It came up when she was getting her knickers in a twist (literally) when toiletting and then asking the nearest adult to help - and for us that includes my 20yo brother who boards here. I trust him completely but it was making him feel pretty uncomfy.

Oops just realised I have totally gone off-track. Be careful, trust your instinct (if strength is a man's protection, instinct is a woman's). And if you do talk about it with your DH, just say you're being on the cautious side.

I totally say go with your gut instinct!! Also with Emma said, Knowledge can be fear alright. My mum is the rape crisis co'oridinator for the hutt valley and sees and hears the most awful awful things people esp own families do to their children It really has got to a point where I dont want to hear anymore but in saying that it has made me so over protective. I say trust your instincts, a mothers always right!

Jennz i agree with the others, go with your instincts.
there is also a certain person whom Mike knows that i have always felt wary of, being a mum of 2 girls i spose makes me afraid of what is out there although boys can have horrible things happen too. I am lucky and glad in that i told mike of how i was wary of this person and he agrees, not suspecting or accusing him but just feeling not right about any possiblity of ever leaving them alone with that person. In fact there are very very few people we trust with leaving our girls with at all. I guess you can either look at it as we don't trust many people, or they don't give us much reason to. most people in my family work very very differently to me in all aspects of parenting and beliefs and while that may (or mostly not...) work for them, i wouldn't subject my girls to it.

go with your gut i say.