How do I help my friend???

My best friend called me at work today to tell me that her husband announced yesterday that he thinks he is gay. WTF......

They have been together for 10 years and married for 8, they have 2 girls aged 3and half and 6 months. They are, or a least I thought they were the most stable couple I new. I was there when they met, I was their bridesmaid, she was mine, he drove our wedding car, etc etc. I never ever saw this coming in a million years!!!

Apparently he had 2 experiences prior to them getting married and 1 during their marriage - a couple of months before she fell pregnant with their 1st child. He apparently loves her but is no longer in love???? Essentially he has had an affair but despite being with this man he still doesn't know if he is or he isn't.

I sent her some flowers as soon as I got off the phone - in absolute shock! But I just don't know what I can do to help her or him. I am so very upset that he has dragged her and 2 children into this complicated life, however I feel very sorry for the torment he must be going through.

I have no problem what so ever with a person's sexual preference BUT I don't buy the "I am not sure". You either are or you aren't, especially when you have more than 1 encounter which isn't just some experimental drunken night out. I don't know if that is feasible or not but that's how I guess I want to rationalise it. Apparently being with a man "is more intimate" - doesn't that give you the answer that yes you do prefer men?

Since they had their last baby he has been a real sh*t, which now there is an expanation for. I just don't understand why he would put her through that when it is clearly all about him.


What can I do for her apart from listen? They are up to their eyeballs in debt, just built a new house, have 2 car repayments, credit card debt - not to mention the 2 wee girls. It is just so messy and at this point he thinks they will sort it all out with counselling? My head is spinning so I cannot even begin to understand where their heads are.

Any advise or experience will be gladly welcomed.

WOW!!!, I'm actually speechless

I'm sorry I have absolutely no advice that's you haven't already said. I would just really, really be there for her, because I'm guessing she is going to need all the support she can get.

yikes - wasn't this topic on Oprah a wee while ago? Hope they both manage to find happiness.

Lizzle's right - I think that the whole 'I'm not sure' thing should generally be read as 'I'm sure, it's just that I think it will hurt you less by saying I'm not sure, and I can get out of this a bit easier by doing it in stages'.

The very best thing you can do for your friend to help her is to perhaps do a little research on her behalf eg. in the property market, and then give her your advice and support re sorting out life, finances and the house. She'll be so side-swiped at the moment that trying to deal with those sorts of things will perhaps be too much. Having someone who can give her practical assistance as well as a shoulder to lean on when she needs it is really important.

Honestly, they may well do counselling, but I think that if a marriage hits this kind of black ice, she's probably going to struggle with it forever, and she may be better off striking out with a new life. Plus, Bombshell has a point - often this kind of marriage split has a better chance for an amicable relationship in the future.

You're a good friend to her deharn, wanting to do what you can. All the very best.

Bombshell is right - this is a lot more common than we think. It happens quite a lot with women as well. We have had this happen within our family (For the record it wasnt me or my DH!!) and there were 4 children involved....its an extremely difficult thing to deal with, and its taken years of healing in our family for people to accept it and get on with life. It has also had a lasting impact on the children, although I think its a lot more obvious in the oldest one (who was 13 when it happened) and is now 17.

I think that at the end of the day all you can really do is offer support and friendship, help out with the kids if you can, help out with research etc. I think its important to try not to judge people, but its always a very tough thing to deal with when children are involved, and it really does tear families apart (think of the wider family too - his parents, siblings etc). Must have been a tough call for him to "come out" and absolutley horrific for your friend to hear it from her husband. No excuses for him being a sh*t though - except he may have been behvaing like that to try and "get out of it" another way.  Am sure that over time things will get easier, but at the moment...big hugs to your friend and good on you for trying to help out! Good Luck!

Thanks guys for the advise. I have spoken to her twice since posting and she seems to be coping pretty well. She is a very strong person and up until yesterday I had never heard or seen her cry.

He apparently came home from work last night and said he now knows he isn't - "the thought of being with a man revolts him". He has also told her he has only kissed 3 other men. Now this is a guy who works in the building industry, they live in a town of about 50000 people. He has grown up here as have his parents so actually "coming out" would really be an unconcievable idea. From the point of view that nor her or I can see him actually going public. The sad thing is that if anything he would not be able to cope with dire consequences - if you get my gist. So much so that in my friends desperation she has checked the insurance policy.

He says he is totally committed to their marriage and that they will work through and beyond this. However I just don't see where you go from here. You don't one day say "I think I have been gay for many years" and the next decide "oops I made a mistake - no Im not".

Regardless of what choice she makes I will support her, even if I have doubts. I kind of see it as putting off the inevitable. I will also support him because he is my friend also even though I don't like what he has done or is doing. At the end of the day though my loyalties lie with her so I just want her to be happy and secure. Again thanks   

i would def go the counselling route then...if he is really wanting to be able to "be gay" but cant or is too scared to due to the circs you explained then she has a choice...stay with the charade of the marriage and be happy in it or unhappy in it....OR leave and either tell people why or make an excuse for it.....that is something they MUST work out...

she must be in so much emotional pain and i am sure everytime he goes somewhere now she will wonder if he is meeting someone...THREE men???? that is not just nothing.....esp for a small town builder etc....not even an akld party boy will have kissed three men!!! one maybe, two perhaps but THREE tells you something is up....

there is also a high suicide rate of men who came out as gay to someone but coudnt live the life they wanted...and it is a hard lifestyle to just try and experience and then go back to normality if it wasnt right..

I also dont agree that you are one or the other...ive seen gay men struggle, ive seen bi men struggle with their identities and telling their familes....and having a wife and child is such a complication - your friends husband probably loves her and the kids so much that it is the most hhart wrenching thing he has ever had to say - and to have put faith in her to tell her his fears etc is a huge move.

Welcome.

I wouldn't count it down yet. The fact that he's talking to his wife tells me that there's hope for them yet. It sounds like he's struggling and trusts her enough to tell her. If she clicks, she might be able to ... support isn't quite the word im after but it's close. I'm just saying, it may look bad, but it's not necessarily bad. It could go either way, from my perspective - which really isn't much in this case.

Who says he has to say this in public? Not everyone needs to know. IMHO it's between him and his wife. If they/he/she chooses to tell others, thats a choice they are gonna have to make.

Edited by Chovynz