Saying Goodbye Tomorrow

Hi all, I have just pulled myself off the 'Due in March 2013' forum and decided it was time to say 'hi' over here. This time last week I started spotting. I had just passed the 11 week mark. We were starting to feel so excited having nearly got to 12 weeks.

I had some clues things maybe weren't right at 9 weeks - nausea subsided, breasts stopped being sore and huge, and I was feeling more energetic. I was worried, but decided to keep positive until I knew any different. People had also told me I was being paranoid and looking back, even if I had followed my instincts, it wouldn't have changed anything.

Anyway at 11 weeks, on Monday morning, I started discharging mucous. I was alarmed and rang the midwife. I had to leave a message. Then I decided to stay calm, pray and just get on with my day. That afternoon, and then evening, I had more discharge, my midwife rang me back. She wasn't too worried and said to take the next day off, rest and see what happens. I was hopeful and positive. In the morning, more discharge and then the spotting started. I also felt like I was getting my period. I rang the midwife and she booked me in for a scan.

At the scan, we were feeling really nervous but still a glimmer of hope remained. After a tummy scan, we could only see a pregnancy sac and I was praised for my full bladder, however, it was getting in the way of my uterus. I had to empty my bladder and then have a trans-vaginal scan. Straight away we saw the baby. I'll never forget that moment. It was a complete surge of love, mixed with the certainty that our sweet little bean wasn't moving. Such a strange, wonderful and tragic feeling. I was filled with love for this tiny thing even though I knew I would never get to meet them, to hug them, to call them by name. After a few measurements, the radiologist asked us if we were sure of our dates. We were and she said the baby measured 8+5 weeks. She turned on the colour to see any small movements. Nothing but black and white. I said, "Oh I can't see a heart beat". I couldn't believe how calm I sounded. She said, "I'm sorry, I can't either". She left to get a doctor to confirm.

I lay on the bed and burst into tears. I sobbed with DH by my side, holding my arm. The doctor came in and confirmed everything. He was professional and very routine. I wiped my tears and nodded. After calling my midwife, the doctor said we were to go home and she would take care of the rest and call me. They were great at the radiology clinic. They let us stay in the room as long as we needed and then when we were ready, they said we could go straight out and they would sort everything at the desk for me. (I had my 12 week scan booked for the next week and obviously wouldn't need it anymore).

It has been a long, very drawn out process involving horrible decisions, lots of tears, pain, questions and such an empty feeling. My husband and midwife have been amazingly supportive. I thought my midwife would be off as soon as there was no live baby but she has been there for me throughout.

Tomorrow, I go into hospital for medical management. Even though I know it's painful and drawn out, I couldn't do a D&C. I didn't want to risk any damage to my uterus for future pregnancies (this was my first baby and I am 39). I don't know where I am at anymore. I just feel empty and sad and nothing all quite normal, I know.

This afternoon, I found out that very good friends of ours are 12 weeks pregnant, due the same time we would have been. We emailed them last week with the news about our baby and hadn't heard from them. Last night, they made contact with DH and let him know and he told me today. I am devastated. I'm really happy for them, but so sad that we could have been having our babies at the same time, sad that they will announce soon and all our friends will be so happy for them (and so they should) but we are still so sad for us, it is still so very raw for me.

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to put something down somewhere. Especially after this last piece of news. How much crueler can this whole experience get? I just hope that tomorrow goes well and is successful so I can have some closure, and say goodbye properly.

Im so sorry. We lost our last baby at 11 weeks preg in March and your story is very sad and very close to home .
Ive found these forums really helpful, and the mc forum on everybody board too as more people most in that section than on here.

Totally get how u feel about your friend,..I had those feelings til I got preg again. We started ttc at the same time as 2 friends,...one baby is now 4 months old, the other due 3 weeks after ours would have been,....and there was me back to square one,...welll worse than that- back to not being preg but with all these emotions and sadness etc too.

SO sorry u are going through this too. Keep posting in here, I found it really helpful to be able to share with others going through it. DH was supportive and tried to understand but its hard for them to know how we feel . I felt on an emotional rollercoaster for about a month- feeling really good one min and crying the next.

Oh Tan,
Just wanted to pop in and offer my hugs
I too unfortunately understand how you feel, its a very sad little club
Make sure you are gentle with yourself and your DH, its such a hard time. Take care

Im so sorry! Also understand what you're going through (with your m/c and friends now due when you would have been). Hope you and your DH are getting lots of love and support now

Oh Tan I've just come across this. My MC finally started yesterday and what you have written has me in tears as I'm feeling your pain in this very moment.
Give yourself the time to grieve and recover before trying again. We started our second IVF 3 months after my first MC and I didn't actually feel ready. So make sure you are fully ready. It's different for everyone, it could be next month, it could be next year. But put yourself first for a while. Massive hugs!!