Domestic Violence

OK so I know this may be a sensitive topic for some, but I am feeling rather frustrated at the moment and am hoping someone can come up with some ways I can help my baby sister.

Last night at 12.30 the phone rang and it was my little sister the cops had just been over and taken her partner to a friends place after he had smashed her against the wall.
I went and picked her up cause I didn't want her to be alone and found out that this is not the first time he has smacked her around, it happens about every 3 months. So of course she comes out with how it's her fault as she pushes him untill he snaps, and the rest of the time he is wonderful to her. Also she seemed to think it was normal and everyone did it WTF apparently a couple of "their friends" are in relationships like this so she had accepted it is OK.

Anyway everything I say to her doesn't seem to sink in and I am pretty sure she is going to stay with him, it breaks my heart so much to see her in this situation. She is a beautiful person who could be with anyone she wanted, I really can't understand why she is doing this to herself. I just want to get her away from him but am lost at how to do this, any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Sorry for the rant but she doesn't want me to tell anyone so has been great to just unload on here.

I'm with Joshierocks on this one.

It is sooooo hard to break away from someone who is physically or emotionally abusive and to someone standing on the outside, it can be so hard to understand.
Said abuser has so much mental control over that person and unforunately that person needs to see it for themselves before they can take the steps to free themselves.

All you can do is be there to support her, let her know that you aren't happy with the way she's being treated and let her know that it's not "normal" to be treated this way and she deserves better.
Like Joshierocks said, there are also organisations out there now that can help.
Oneday, she will wake up to it and she will be ok.

i think the fact that she didnt want you to say anything to anyone means tht she does know it is wrong and that is surely a good sign. I dont have any other expereinces sorry but will second what joshierocks said!

Sorry to hear about this how horrible for your sister.

I dont really have any advice, but i know a friend whos sister was in a relationship the same, although 2 kids involved. She would deny bruises and make up excuses for a long time, recently he took it out on one of the kids, broke his FEMUR!! She has finally left him, but simply so she can get her children back, they were taken off her as they are going to court now to prove he did it... she now regrets never listening to anyone and covering it all up. All i have to say is be persistant with her and help her as much as you can. All the best.

Ladies you all rock!!! I knew I could count on Ohbaby for some good advice. We really do have amazing people on here
Good news is that she has told mum and a couple of her friends so at least this will be a joint effort to remove her from him. I'm also going to encourage her to talk to a professional, hoping that an outsider might help to open her eyes and see her worth.

Hey sorry to hear about your sister it might be worthwhile giving the womens refuge a ring to see if they have any advice for you.

I lived with a man that abused me for about 18 months before I finally left him. The last time he beat me I ended up in hospital with a fractured nose and dislocated jaw. But leading up to this there were numerous times where he had hit/punched/kicked/strangled me both during the pregnancy with our son and after he was born. E was 4 months old the last time he beat me, and to be honest I think half the reason I finally found the courage to leave was because I finally realized that he wasn't ever going to 'get better' and that all the times he apologized and cried was just an act to make me stay. And that it was just a matter of time before it was Ethan who was under his fist and being tainted by his sick mind and evil words.

I use to talk to my sister, and she was fantastic. My family tried to talk me in to leaving but I always resisted, partly because I still hoped he could change and partly because I had made so many sacrifices to be with him in the first place. In my situation especially for the last few months I WANTED to leave him, but I was too scared. I believed him when he said he would kill my family and that he wasn't scared of the police. I felt like I had to stay with him until I could leave him in a way that kept my family safe. I suppose he did me a favor by getting arrested (he was kept in remand for 4 weeks)

I didn't realize at the time how hard it was on my family, and in particular my little sister who kept a lot of woes secret for my sake. I feel so bad about it now, that I put maybe too much pressure on her, or leaned too hard on her, but with out her I am sure that I couldn't have found the strength to leave him.

The best thing for you to do, as others have said is be there for her, to support her in any way you can. To gently let her know that you do not condone the violence, and the point being that it's the violence that is of issue and not expressing anger. It's normal for people to feel angry but it is not normal or acceptable to be violent. It's not ok to hit a person or to control a person or to call them names or make them feel like they are going crazy. Most importantly, don't abandon her, even if you fee like you have had enough, don't criticize her decisions, she is probably getting enough criticism from the man she is living with. It's going to be hard on both of you, seek the support of you family and DO let your parents know what is going on. Talk about it, and don't stop talking about it. Tell her to call the police EVERY time he hits her, to make a police report EVERY time, to document EVERY bruise and to make note of all the emotional abuse. The more physical evidence she has that he abused her the easier it is for the police to prosecute him in a court. I kept a lot secret, my family didn't know know the extent that he was hurting me, they didn't know that until I was in hospital. So when it went to court I couldn't 'prove' all the other times he had hurt me (although the police photos were pretty impressive)

Woman's refuge are fantastic, I didn't need a 'safe house' as I moved back in with my family but they provide a service that is without a doubt invaluable. and totally worth calling and speaking to them about other ways to help your sister.

here is a link to a PDF that is written by the Womans Refuge. It's designed to help woman recognise when they are being abused. It might be worth printing it out and getting your sister to fill it in?

Woman's refuge can help your sister think about safety plans, and understand more about violence.

Good luck, let us know what happens. Please PM me if you need any further advice or just want to talk to someone. It's such a hard position to be in but your sister is going to really need you to be there for her. ((hugs))

I hope my 'rant' helps in some way, I can be pretty passionate about this subject! I will talk to my sister, she might be willing to post here and tell you of her experience in this situation.

That's something abusive Men do. Try and separate the woman from her support system. Maybe try and get her to see what it will be like living a new country with no one too call for help. My ex tried to get me to move down south, luckily for me I always resisted this.

Hi I am Emilolys little sister she linked me to the forum and asked if i wanted to say something.

I do find it hard to talk about, em is not just my sister but my best-friend and seeing what her ex did to her was terrible for me she has always been my big sister and my hero for as long as i can remember. the best advice i could give you would to be there for her, forcing her to leave will only make things worse really let her understand that there is an alternative to the situation that she is and let her know that she is loved and supported no matter what desion she makes.

I too was worried that em would leave the area and I would not be able to support her. get in contact with womans refuge, they can also give you advice and support, and if your sister has left her partner, she should talk to them too, they can help her realise that being abused is not 'normal' or okay and even if she is not living in a refuge with them they will still offer support.

It's called "Battered Wife Syndrome". Google it, it will explain a lot to you.

There's support out there for her. One I would recommend from personal experience is WATS: Waitakere Abuse Trauma Counselling Service. They have support groups and "pay what you can afford" counselling. They provide a lot of other resources as well.

Just let your sister know that you are available whenever she's ready to leave, remind her that it's NOT normal and it's NOT her fault. WATS might have some other advice if you call them and some pamphlets you can give her.

All the best.