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Keleho View Drop Down
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    Posted: 13 February 2012 at 11:55am
DD1 has always been quite clingy to me - I'm her main caregiver and she doesn't spend a huge amount of time away from me but she would happily go down the farm with DH to give me a break, or stay with my mum or DH while I did things in town etc.

When I had DD2, it was really long winded (labour started but I was slow to progress) and both DD and I stayed at my parents house (as it was closer to the hospital) for a few days prior to the actual birth. A few times during this, DD stayed with my mum while I went for checks and monitoring at the local birthing centre and was totally fine. I eventually had DD on a Tuesday and due to complications, she was in NICU for a few days. I had planned on coming home after one or two nights but this turned into three with DD2s extra monitoring so we came home on the Friday. With the extra time prior to her birth, things were quite muddly for DD1 for a big chunk of time but she seemed to cope with it really well.

Overall, DD1 has been really good with DD2s arrival but the problem we are having is her seperation anxiety from me. If its just us home (i.e. no DH), I can leave the room to go to the loo (for example) or hang washing out without her loosing the plot. If DH is here, she panics like I am going to leave her again.
A few times I have gone to town (with and without DD2) and each time she has screamed the entire time for DH. I havent tried her with the likes of my mum (the other person she was most comfortable with pre-DD2) but I imagine a similar response.

Ive tried sneaking out but she catches on pretty quickly and looses it. Ive tried explaining that I'm going to so 'x' and I will be back soon but thats even worse.

The issue even extend to any daily activities - she used to bath/shower with DH and now screams and throws a wobbly if we attempt that. Im happy to do it and luckily DD2 has been a pretty cruisy baby (she has no choice unfortunately) but the performance when I leave her with someone - even for 5-10 minutes - is harder to deal with.

Anyone have a similar issue? Did it resolve itself or did you take steps to improve things?? Any advice and suggestions welcome
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Shelt View Drop Down
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I had a major issue with my DD and separation anxiety. Its just me and her (her dad and I split when she was 11 months old) and she was going to daycare but she still had big anxiety issues. If I went downstairs to get something she would sit at the top of the stairs and scream and cry. If I went to the washing line without her she would do the same thing. She was my little shadow and I couldn't even go to the toilet without her. Around the same time she started having sleep problems too and could not get to sleep without me next to her. I'd spend hours trying to get her to sleep each night.

I can't say that anything I did really made any difference. I always made sure that I told her if I was going somewhere (like DD I'm going to the washing line, do you want to come or stay here) and let her come if she wanted. I just accepted that she would follow me around and would give her little jobs to do with me. I never ever left her anywhere without explaining where I was going and when I was going to be back (ie Mummy's going to work and I will be back after you have eaten your lunch and had a sleep). It was really hard but I read something that suggested that separation anxiety was a good thing coz it meant you had bonded really well and that helped me to be more patient with her and accepting of the phase.

She slowly grew out of it, although about 6-8 months or so after the initial really bad patch we went through another bad patch although not as bad as the first time. Now, as a just over 3 year old she is very confident and good at separations. She started a new preschool today and today and both previous visits the teachers commented to me on how calm and confident she is.

I hope some of that helped. Good luck, I know its tough and it must be even harder when you have a small baby as well.
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Keleho View Drop Down
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Points: 1011 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Keleho Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 February 2012 at 9:55pm
Thanks Shelt, that actually makes me feel better about it all

I do try to explain where I am going when its just around the house but wonder if I need to persevere with doing that when I go elsewhere too rather than just sneaking off - as much as that seems the easier thing to do, it does create the same reaction anyway so I might as well explain where im going etc

We also have issues with her settling to sleep at night (no doubt related to the SA), I spend up to two hours sitting outside her room at night waiting for her to go to sleep. No one else will do and if I move before shes asleep, shes not a happy wee girl. Silver lining though - if DD2 is asleep, its a good time to catch up on my reading or knitting

Anyway, thanks again. Ill just keep on and hope that she grows out of it sooner rather than later!
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Kellz View Drop Down
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Points: 7186 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kellz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 February 2012 at 12:21pm
Speaking from my experience with my 2 kids, sneaking out is the worst thing u can do, then everytime u are missing from the room she will think u have gone away, and not just into another room- she wont know the difference so the panicking will be worse. If u are going to leave the house warn here in advance- like 5 mins not ages, several times. Stay upbeat and happy about it- dont let her see that u or whoever is looking after here are worried about how she will be. Focus on how much fun shes gonna have doing xyz and that u will be back soon. Kiss, cuddle, leave. She willl gvet used to the routinue and settle quicker each time if shes knows that u will be gone and then come back, and be more relaxed the rest of the time than if shes always on edge not knowing when u might sneak off!

I think a lot of this has to do with the massive change that having a new baby in the house has caused in her life, and not just about u being away from her for those days in hospital- I think shes clinging to u cos she wants reassurance since her world has changed so dramatically! DD was a lot older than yours when I had DS but it took a good 6 weeks til she settled down- she was exhibiting behaviuors she had never done before but it was in response to the massive changes going on and her not having another way to express her feelings.

It will improve- just keep reassuring her, talk about the new baby the changes etc. Praise her independance etc. Loves of cuddles and special times- as much as u can with a wee one, and encourage her bond with DH. Her world has just been turned upside down and she just needs to know everything is gonna be ok.
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Mum_mum View Drop Down
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Points: 1394 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mum_mum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 February 2012 at 8:13pm
Just wanted to say that we have this going on here too. I had a longer than planned delivery with bubs number 2 then he needed to stay in hospital for monitoring for 3 nights when I was planning only one. Then at 6 weeks bubs 2 got sick and I had to rush off in the middle of the night to hospital leaving DD for 5 nights with her dad.

Since then she is quite clingy to me, she won't let me just run down to the dairy or anything without her and she crys heaps when I tell her I am going out without her. Im sure she will grow out of it and I can understand where it stems from but it kind of sucks for Dad when he did such a great job taking care of her when I wasn't around and now she doesn't want DD and daddy time

I really hope she grows out of it soon.

Angel baby - May 2008
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peaceandlove View Drop Down
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Points: 266 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote peaceandlove Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 February 2012 at 11:45am
I found this article really helpful when my bubs started at daycare one day a week:
http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/family/parenting/separation-anxiety/
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