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julzw 
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Joined: 11 June 2007
Location: Auckland
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 Topic: Crippling shyness
Posted: 20 September 2011 at 9:01pm |
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Hi all
My almost four year old is a real chip off the old block and is incredibly shy. She has been at kindy now for 9 months and still cries and clings when I drop her off.
When I pick her up, she is always sitting a distance away from the other kids and has only made one friend that I am aware of.
She plays soccer once a week and always keeps her distance from the other kids. Today, one of the other kids started picking on her and she just shut down.
It just breaks my heart. I was plagued with crippling shyness and low self esteem throughout my childhood and I just can't bear her having to go through the same thing.
Any advise/tips on what I could do to help her would be greatly appreciated.
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Lucky apple
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Joined: 13 November 2009
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Posted: 21 September 2011 at 8:17pm |
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:-( It's hard!!
Have you spoken to her kindy teachers? They will hopefully be able to facilitate some interactions, monitor things, and perhaps give some feedback on how the session goes when you aren't there.
Create opportunities for her to practice socialising with kids. It is hard for her, but she sounds like she needs the experience of interacting with others to gradually build confidence. Perhaps nurture the friendship she has made at kindy - organise a play date, at your house the first few times so she is near you.
Talk talk talk.....she will only have a 4 year old view of the world...tap into it if you can and see if you can find out how she is feeling. This can include providing her some skills for dealing with the bullies that are around in life (regardless of being shy or not). FOr example: Taking the soccer bully experience...observing it...and having a debrief with her after ...nothing too intense just something along the lines of "Hey, I noticed that Johnny was being a little bit mean earlier, you did a good job just heading and standing next to Alice who wasn't being like that"...(ie move away from the bully...validating that the other child was out of line)
GREAT that she is in a soccer team - this & kindy are great places for her to learn about social interactions with her peers. As uncomfortable as it may sometimes be for her, facing the discomfort is a helpful place for her to gain skills & confidence.
Have you looked at the library for books on this? Perhaps on children and shyness/social anxiety/assertiveness...could give you some good ideas for ways to encourage her to develop confidence.
Also...just something to think about...does your own tendency to be shy have any impact helping your little girl put herself out there? Do you feel comfortable say, phoning and arranging a play date/ talking to the kindy teachers about your concern? If you can role model confidence, this is going to be helpful. (As is your empathy for her...you too know what it is like to be shy)
Hope some of this helps!!
It's a bit disjointed....just typed things as I thought of them :-)
GOOD LUCK!
Edited by Sally
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Shelt
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Joined: 17 May 2008
Location: Tauranga
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Posted: 21 September 2011 at 9:58pm |
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My nephew has Aspergers and is very very shy - one of the things his teacher and the learning unit person did at his school (he is 5) is make him some stories about how to interact with other kids, and they also do role plays. I think one of the teachers wrote a few little booklets featuring him in different scenarios - how to ask other kids if he can play, how to join in, how to speak to other kids, how to share, how to play with others, what to do if other kids say mean things etc.
She has also given my sister a few of the same scenarios to act out with him - the theory being that the more he gets to practice how to socially interact at home the easier it will be in different situations.
It might be worth trying these things at home. If nothing else they may give her some confidence. One of the things I found most difficult as a shy person is the first approach - how to ask if you can play with another kid. Perhaps organising a few play dates with one or two kids from kindy might help with this as well.
My daughter is also quite shy, though she is ok at daycare as she has been there since she was 5 months, and she is very uncertain in new situations. I think some of this is because of the way I react (I have a degree of social anxiety) and I have worked really hard to model the best way of interacting with other people so she sees that although it is hard for me its worth making the effort.
ETA to add that I also acknowledged the way my daughter is feeling. We have had a few talks about how I know it is hard and sometimes you feel butterflies in your tummy but most people are kind and just want to get to know you and play with you. And how it is important to be polite when you are spoken to (we have issues with people speaking to her when we are out, esp in shops and the supermarket, and her trying to hide etc), acknowledge the person and answer the question. That its ok to be shy but it doesn't excuse rudeness.
Sorry its turned in to a bit of a novel. Hope that helps. I know how hard it can be, and how heartbreaking it is to see your child struggle with it.
Edited by Shelt
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mrsbt
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: North Shore
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Posted: 21 September 2011 at 10:30pm |
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My oldest is also very shy and has been at his daycare just over a year now and still clings a fair bit and at times has big crying sessions before we leave home.
I have been reading a very good book about this which I got from our local library called "Your Successful Preschooler" by Ann Densmore and Margaret Bauman.
I hadn't realised the book was about this but it has been full of ideas and ways to help your preschooler become more sociable so I highly recommend you get it out and have a look. I have found it very informative and practical.
I have found that I too quickly label him 'shy' when I am talking to other adults with him clingy to my leg and have been making a huge effort to not use the word around him.
the other thing I have been doing is 'making' him say hello and goodbye when people come but only, to begin with, with those he knows well, ie. my parents and close friends. I don't insist with others at this stage. I am trying to teach him that shyness is not permission to be rude... (Got this tip from parenting inc)
Also the daycare he is at have been a huge help in encouraging friendships and him taking on little leadership roles.
All the best.
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Crippling shyness
