pregnancy and housework etc...

I think that it is perfectly reasonable to expect to be treated differently when pregnant because things are different when you are pregnant.
Most men that you don't even know will give up a seat or open a door or help you lift something into your car when you are pregnant but wouldn't otherwise and I think that is reasonable, its hard work being pregnant, and of all men the partner should understand and show consideration the most.
I am all for equal rights, but not to the point where pregnant women make themselves ill trying to behave like they did pre pregnancy.
And yes I think if they read a book it would help them understand, maybe not completely but it would give them a clue.

Man, I could NEVER have kept up the same pace I did pre-pregnancy!! I think it's important to remember that all pregnancies are different, and where as some ladies can keep on going and really don't feel any different, others get knocked around a fair bit. I have way less energy that I used to, and just manage to get through my working day to come home and collapse. It does kind of offend me when people say things shouldn't change when you get pregnant - I work my butt off just to keep going at work, and it's damn hard. Because it's such an effort to keep going at work, of course I'm a zombie by the time I get home and just need to have a rest. It's not me being lazy, it's not using pregnancy as an excuse or thinking it's a disease - it's me listening to my exhausted body!! It's so important that you listen to your body and rest when you need to - you're doing an amazing job by the sounds of things.

I'm lucky my DH has been really understanding and has been doing more around the house. It's funny cos he's been doing more lately (without being asked that is) than at the beginning of my pregnancy - maybe cos it's more 'obvious' and I look more like a whale!!

GandT did make a good comment though about having to communicate with your DH - about how you're feeling, what you need etc.

And yeah don't worry about the argument, they're only bad if you don't talk them through later, sort them out and come to a fresh understanding. In fact, sometimes a good old argument can be good to get honest feelings out in the open. I hope you two can have a good chat about it... make sure you tell him exactly how you feel, cos yeah men haven't been pregnant before so they don't know what it's like. We need to tell them and show them just what it's like growing a baby inside!!

we had talked prior to getting pregnant. i had asked for a bit more support this time.


We both had the flu when i was six weeks pregnant, i was the first to get it, and he didnt have much sympathy for me.but then he got it and wanted me to take care of him, and insisted his was a lot worse than mine, in fact he thought he had meningitis


i agree with you in some respects GandT, pregnancy isnt a disease, but there are some women who seem to have a bit more trouble than others.
there has been times where i have used pregnancy as an exuse. i found myself asking DH to go and get me some icecream from the supermarket even though i was quite capable of going and getting it myself. and i think i asked because i seem to have some sort of dreamed up world where pregnant women rest their feet up and get back massages, and have their DHs/partners fetching anything they need. (ive probably watched far too many movies!!!)


im very lucky as DH is a very good househusband and does do his fair share, he just has no sympathy for me whatsoever which is frustrating sometimes

GandT wrote: kaiz231 wrote: and i think i asked because i seem to have some sort of dreamed up world where pregnant women rest their feet up and get back massages, and have their DHs/partners fetching anything they need. (ive probably watched far too many movies!!!) aaahhhhh!!! dont you just love fantasy land. i wish it was like that too. with soft floaty gauzy material and roses and a man at my beck and call....

I live there ... I get foot rubs too!  

ah! So they do exist! youre one lucky lady!

We went through this too kaiz. When we got married, DH studied full-time and I worked full-time, and I took responsibility for all the housework and he helped out a bit. When I was 2-3mos pg with #1 we were also about to move house, so I told him he had to choose between keeping the washing and dishes up to date or packing. I got the packing job. After #1 was born, I was SAHM and DH still studying full-time so I naturally took on most of the housework, and he would do the lawns and 50% dishes. Or something close to that. At the time I thought it was fair and "what everyone did". But I don't think it's fair now that I'm older, have more kiddies/experience, and have been in and out of work a bit too.

When I was pg with #2 we had a lot of arguments like you are having. #1 was 19mos when #2 was born so I was exhausted for most of the pregnancy - kept on waiting for magically feeling more energetic "in two weeks" for almost the whole pregnancy. He would help out from time to time (each time we had an argument) but things never really changed until after #2 was born. She had silent reflux and screamed herself to sleep every night from 1-3mos. We had no idea what was wrong and the doc didn't know either - until the last 2 weeks of it. We put it down to personality But it meant that I needed a heap more help from DH. I was now looking after 2 under 2, the baby was very unsettled, and when she was 6 weeks old I returned to a 4 hour (two mornings) per week job where I took the kiddies with me. DH was studying full-time and working on the weekends and everything just crumbled in a great big heap. He was exhausted, I was exhausted, and it just wasn't worth it any more. So we had a huge look at our commitments, cut heaps of them down, and he started helping out regularly with things like bedtime routines. Even just having that little time out helped me greatly. He was more aware of things like dishes too.

At the moment DH is SAHD and I am working. We're in our 5th week and still learning heaps. But one thing we're about to do is this: he will write down all the things he can definitely fit around the kids during the day, like dishes and hanging washing, and cooking dinner. Then of what is left we will work out who will take responsibility for what. That way we're not both (or just one of us) thinking of what needs doing and getting bogged down with responsibility. We can leave certain things and just take care of the rest. One of my jobs (that he will pretty much never have to do) will be to change the bedding every week.

I think you need to have a good talk with your DH. I don't think moving out at this point will be helpful to your situation. He needs to know that you are exhausted and may be this way - with ups and downs - for the rest of the pregnancy. Looking after your DD is a full-time job on it's own. This is two very difficult concepts for working guys to understand. (Especially if they work set hours and don't have midnight wakings etc going on.) Tell him that you are happy to do [whatever amount of housework that you feel capable of] and that that leaves particular jobs that you need help with: 1, 2, 3, 4. Whatever they are. You are not able to do those on a regular basis until further notice so he'll either need to help out or you'll need to employ someone to do them.

If you are working as well, don't try to take on more than 50% of the house! You'll just overwhelm yourself. This is a big communication test but you can do it! It's worth it, for the future of your family

i'm glad your mum didnt let you stay...running away doesnt solve problems. My sil is always upping and running to her mums, she did it before they got married and has done so several times since then too.

anyway i would give it a day or two and then maybe talk about how you would like to change the houseworking arrangements. Not sure how old your daughter is either but maybe she can be involved too and start doing her bit as well!   

Take care.

Man, I can't do nearly as much as I did pre-pregnancy! I have had to stop my studies and even though I am home all day, can barely get anything very productive achieved, so it seems. I think if all that changes is that you feel "a bit more tired and throw up a few times", then you are bl**dy lucky!! I don't even know how I would have coped so far if I already had another child to look after as well. I would have had to get my mum to help, or get some home help or something. Every pregnancy is different, and I don't think anyone should expect someone to live up to what someone else could do when they were pregnant.

I'm really lucky though, my DH is really understanding. There have been a few times where he has been tired and cranky, but that's fair enough when he has been working all day. But for the first 5 months he did all of the cooking (I couldn't even be in the kitchen without throwing up), as well as basically all of the cleaning, since I couldn't really get out of bed. I felt really bad about it but he pulled his weight and only complained minimally... this is even though he has been working over 40 hours a week on his feet! I think the reason that he is so understanding is because we talk about everything, and I always explain everything... like, I don't just say "I feel like crap, you do it"... I try and explain what it is like to feel that way and make him think about how he would feel. It doesn't take much, most guys aren't as idiotic as we think they just have no idea what it's like!

I'm lucky like lilfatty, though, I have a wonderful DH who tries to pamper me and look after me. (Not to say we don't ever bicker, but it's always over pretty quickly).

Sounds to me like your DH doesn't really understand and he's tired and probably feeling a bit alone. Make sure that when he does help you out or ask if you need anything, that you make him feel really appreciated so that he knows he is doing something that helps. Guys like to fix things and get frustrated when nothing seems to help, and then they give up. That's my experience anyway!!

Sorry for the super long post! Hugs