at my witts end.. need help and support

we were blessed with a baby who loved his sleep.. self settled from a very young age... and went down without any fuss for two great day sleeps and through the night for 10-11 hours...
(hes now 9.5 mnths old)

....that was until we had TWO major family trips.. one to the UK in april for 3 weeks and then a week in begining of May to Australia (3hr time difference)

while away we had to resort to helping him settle and started patting him to sleep. It was more of a need to do as he was in our room (portacot) and staying with family and friends he couldnt be left to cry and wake the household etc..

Now we are back home and we are having a really hard time getting life all back to normal.

I believe he is no longer jet lagged.. and has come to rely on us to pat him to sleep.

Its exausting. I have started part time work and hes going to be in childcare 2 days a week starting soon. I have worked hard to leave him, he SCREAMS and stands in his cot, i go into his rm every 10mins and lay him down, reasurre him... he becomes less stressed and lays down (waiting for a pat i suspect) and as soon as i leave the room he screams again.

I am trying to be strong but as all mothers out there know its really hard and emotionally challenging to leave your baby to cry it out.

DH works nights so i am left to deal with it all 90% of the time. and im struggling

Its now almost 10pm hes been in bed since 7.30pm and i wonder at what point do i just 'give in' and pat him. I know hes exausted and probly feeling very confused and upset.

Has anyone out there suscessfully been able to push through the changes and offer any advice ??

my heart is breaking no matter how much i convince myself its for the best in the long run. im a tired mama .

thanks in advance

Firstly HUGS!

Secondly I would suggest reading the No Cry Sleep Solution as there are some good ways in there to wean from things like rocking, patting etc.

Have you tried just patting for a short time and slowly getting down to not much patting at all? I had to do this with DD and it took awhile but I soon ended up just putting my hand there for awhile with no patting and before long nothing.

Also a light up music thing, like the FP seahorse was a lifesaver as DD liked looking at it and then if she cried when it finished I just went in and turned it back on, she is 17 months now and I recently took it away as she was turning it on herself all through the night and she has not asked for it once, but it served its purpose.

The other thing to try is something that smells like you in the bed that might give him some comfort.

Maybe try not leaving him for longer than a few minutes the first time before you go back in and reassure him and then slowly extend it as I know with DD even now if she gets upset if I reassure her within a few minutes she does not get worked up and settles quicker.

I hope maybe something I have said helps even just a teeny bit, I hope you get through it all soon and you both start to get more sleep. HUGS again.

*hugs*

Its very tiring isnt it :(
Can you try wrapping him? He might feel more secure being wrapped. Also, have you tried a Safe T Sleep? My daughter is 9 months next week and she was doing the same thing, standing up and crying until I lay her down, and then screaming when I left the room.

I do controlled crying with my girl, and that works most times, i leave her for a few mins then go back in and give her a cuddle and rock her a bit then lay her back down and shh her and tell her its ok, then I leave again.

Ive always been one to try and work through changes, but when DD had bad reflux when she was very little I did what worked also, it was much easier on the whole family, but I can totally understand why you dont want to have to stand there and pat him to sleep, if you can get him out of the habit now, then things will be so much easier in the long run.



Edited by Sheza

go easy on yourself hun, and do whatever it takes to firstly give yourself a break . If Milla is overtired, this is usually during the day, I make sure she is safe, give her a bottle and put her in her cot, then I go have a shower, she is usually asleep when I get out, or at least not screaming
I had the same thing at night though, well actually, we had just got our girl into a good pattern at bedtime and then a trip to hospital for a week buggered it all up - they feed them every three hours and pat them back to sleep.
I used that system where you leave them to cry, I know its not thought of so well, but it only took 5 or so days, and I had to get DH to do the day shift cause I was too heart broken to do it, but so very tired
Instead of 15 mins, I did 5, until she fell asleep, first night was forever, and then less and less til she went down awake
I said good night big cuddles and kisses, then clowny (music toy on) and turned the light off
Next time and every time after, I didnt speak to her, or make eye contact , just lay her down and patted her til she was calm, then walked out, it worked , but It isnt easy when your baby just wants to be with you

He could also be struggling a bit with separation anxiety at that age, so maybe ten mins is too long for him, to begin with anyway

Maybe you could get your DH to do a night in the weekend or whenever he isnt working, while you go do the supermarket shopping, its one night where you dont have to listen to it - its so stressful

Good luck xx

thank you everyone for your support.

I have this idea that i can get him back into self settling to make it easy for me.. I have re-evaluated my needs and looked at his..

for now he needs me and im really ok with that, its just hard having to pat him for up to half an hour morning noon and night ..

i know these things take time, i will start leaving him for up to 5 min and take it slowly....

The latest sleepstore newsletter has a gentle way to wean off feeding/rocking to sleep. So the patting part is close to getting your baby to self settle. It says "you will need to gradually reduce the amount of patting you do to help your baby get drowsy or fall asleep. As above, the Safe T Sleep can help with this too.
CONSISTENCY - Make sure you do the same for any night-waking! So if you are up to putting baby into bed drowsy but awake at bedtime, then do the same during the night....if you rock your baby completely asleep in the night, you are confusing your baby and the weaning process will take longer."

I've been trying to do this myself and we've managed to stop feeding to sleep and rocking to sleep, and at the moment we're up to holding and patting to sleep. Takes longer than CC or CIO but less stressful for both of us!

In a similar situation here also with my 15month old who woke every 3hrs, but now we are finally getting progress. We've gone from rocking and co-sleeping to having her back in her cot and using some patting. It's still early days for us but we are starting to see we can pat her less provided we are sitting beside the cot and actually she is starting to get to sleep by herself, just with us nearby - and perhaps we can gradually lessen that too over time if needed.
I agree with the others about being consistent and also making sure you do something you feel comfortable doing. I know how hard it is to be consistent when you are exhausted and it's the middle of the night.

Good luck!