Ohh yes, family days are awesome. Just hanging out at the park or whatever, watching DD together. Something like the park is good cos it's fun for us too, but also it keeps her busy with something other than me so DH gets a bit more of my attention.
She has a new trick this week of taking DH over to me if I'm sitting down and then instructing him to sit beside me and then climbing up on our laps and pulling our heads together and insisting we kiss each other. She follows it up with a kiss from her to each of us. Super cute, and probably good for us too!
Im glad I was able to help other people by posting this and in turn you guys have helped me a lot
Weehee, yeah I definitely think he needs a guy to talk to as he often says he feels like he can't talk to me about things to do with my Mum for example, as I'll just get on the defensive, that he needs to talk to someone not so emotionally involved. He's close with my brother in law so I might encourage him to have more talks with him- they hang out on weekends more these days and that has been good for DH to have a bit of boy time. But he doesn't have any friends who have got kids so that's been hard for him too. They need mens coffee groups, lol
Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7
I have 1 child from a previous relationship, which is always an extra strain on a relationship(well it is in this case) DP used to be great towards my older DD(the one from previous relationship) But over time, especially from about mid pregnancy with now 17 months old DD, he changed towards older DD. And things kept getting worse, they still aren't good. He often treats my DD like sh*t, yells at her, has no tolerance for her and see's no good in her. At several point in the last year and a bit, I have seriously wanted to leave DP and I know people would totally understand why. What he doesn't seem to get, is, if he upsets her, rejects her and is constantly having a go at her, that hurts me. As she was my #1 for years, until I met him when she was 3 1/2. And damn it is hard, when your DP goes from being an awesome father figure to your child, to being quite a prick.
After having DD#2(our daughter together) I got really bad PND and DP felt like he was nothing to me and that I was very distant and cold towards him. Which I only know, because he told this to relationship counsellor. It would be realistic to say, he was right, about me becoming cold and distant. I also had trouble bonding with my older DD when I developed PND. So MMH(maternal mental health) weren't as helpful with me as the could've been, as I had no issue bonding with DD#2. Seems like older DD and DP bore the brunt of my moods and PND. I very much rejected them both. Financial stress always made things way worse and tensions rose and both DP & I probably honestly, took our frustrations out on older DD. At times, I was so anti older DD I would want to adopt her out or just have someone else take her off my hands. Sometimes when I am at my most stressed, I want to just leave them all behind and start a new life. But that's me just running away from responsibility and not wanting to deal with things when they get hard. That used to be my pattern you see. I used to self-sabotage a lot.
The affection/intimacy barely exists these days. Can't even remember what it was like before DD#2. But that is hard. Also, it seems I only get affection in bed, when DP wants you know what. So that makes me a bit anti you know what.
Relationship counselling started to help, but then we ran out of funding through family court for that. Though, it didn't help with regards to DP and my DD. One thing the relationship counsellor said, that I felt was very true and relevant was, that he needs to say he appreciates me and express his feelings, physically and verbally, especially around the girls. As if he doesn't show this, then they will grow up, with no idea, what a decent man should be like or act like, and this potentially being a very bad thing, as then they as adults, will not know how to make good choices necessarily, when looking for a man. It is so true and relevant for me, as my Dad died when I was 2 yrs old and I had nothing to go by, therefore, making some really bad choices before finally making a good one. It just sux the counselling ran out, as I feel we need some more, but we can't afford to pay for it.
DP & I certainly do love each other. But his parents are no kind of example of how to treat a partner and I am his first relationship, so he's had no experience to learn from, which always makes for harder work, relationship wise. His parents are very narcissistic. And though, I would most likely want to marry DP one day, I certainly don't want to be part of his side of the family, which thankfully he gets, as he understands that they are quite nasty and unpleasant.
Financial stress and my depression, do naturally put a lot of strain on our relationship, as does having a DD from a previous relationship and add to that, that she is developmentally delayed and can at times be quite challenging. Sux we've not had a diagnoses yet though, still on the waiting list Because, at least if we knew what was up with her, we could try and work with that. I have done a parenting course, which has helped, a lot. DP is due to do the same one, starting next month. So I am hoping that will help him with understanding my DD and working with me, instead of against me. He's very good at teling me what I should be doing with her, but not applying it himself
So, I really don't like DP's parents. They also treat my DD like an inconvenience and like she can do no right. Which upsets me a lot. Plus, they are very un-involved grandparents, considering this is their first granddaughter and they so wanted a granddaughter. So, the getting time as a couple, just doesn't happen. As they hardly ever see their granddaughter and are unwilling to look after both the girls. Though thankfully my DD's grandparents on her Dad's side do take her at least 2 times a month. Her Dad on the other hand, he's got issues. He was really good at spending time with her, for a good few months, after being slack as hell for all the other 7 yrs. But now, he's not seen her for 2 months, as he told me he's in love with me and I rejected him. Like hello, he knows I'm happy, what did he think would happen?! Just sux his DD misses out on him, because of his immaturity.
So, yeah, our relationship isn't that easy. And it was so hard with the new family dynamics when our DD came along, for both of us. Especially for me. As I was used to it being DD & I, for 3 1/2 yrs, so doing the solo parent thing for a while and then when I had to work around a new baby and a relationship, that, I was not familiar with, so that was quite an adjustment for me.
So, that is my story. Still working at this relationship, 17 months later.
I totally get where you are coming from with your partner not appreciating your DD1. I've just come out of a 9 month relationship with a man who was not DD's father and one of the problems we had was his idea of what a child should be like and what she was like were quite different. Its not easy being in a relationship where your partner is not the biological parent of the child
I also wanted to say that I think if you wait a while from when you first went to councelling that you can apply again for another 6 sessions. The ex and I ended up having three sets of 6 sessions, one lot when DD was 4 months old, then again when she was 11 months old and we were splitting, and then again when she was about 18 months old to try and sort the custody out. Might be worth applying again and seeing if you can have some more if you thought it helped?
How long did you have to wait to apply for some more?
I asked counsellor about reapplying, once session ended. She said she'd try, but it's rare they give you more. Maybe they aren't as giving in Wellington.
Hmm, maybe its coz we split up that we got more? And the third lot was court ordered coz they weren't happy we couldn't sort out the custody between ourselves.
There was approx 7 months between the first lot and the second lot and about that again between the second lot and the third lot.
We had a pretty difficult first three months with our DS and yip our relationship suffered. Our DS was another terrible sleeper and I got diagnosed with PND when he was 2 months old.
Most of my DH's issues were centred around my Mum. She used to be a midwife and has helped my sister out with her two DD's and she pretty much lived with us for the first three months. I really needed Mum, she was really great support, and I was an anxious new mum that was completely exhausted.
From my DH's point of view he found it really hard to all of a sudden loose his personal space, by having my Mum there with us. He struggled with the new role of fatherhood, especially because my Mum had a lot of experience with babies, and our DS was better with my Mum than with him.
He thought our DS hated him because DH would get home from work at the end of the day and DS would cry pretty much all evening until we could get him to sleep. He was adamant that there was something 'wrong' with our son and that I was being stupid for not seeking medications or something to make him right. I guess he just wanted to be able to make our DS happy but it wasn’t happening.
He told me that during the day at work he would be thinking about how my Mum was trying to undermine and get rid of him. That all he wanted was for us to just spend some time together as a couple and as a family. It got to the point where my DH couldn't even come in the house when my Mum was there and he couldn't look her in the eye. We also had my DH take care of bath time, so that was his job etc. He felt like he was surplus to requirement because all he had to do was work and give DS a bath at night. My Mum would make the dinner, do the dishes etc so I guess he felt completely redundant. He didn’t want to come home from work at night and spent as little time at home at possible.
Things got better for us once I was diagnosed with PND and went on AD's, when our DS's sleep dramatically improved at about 3 months, when my Mum went home and just came during the day when my DH was at work and when I got a referral to a councillor through my GP (The first time I went by myself but the other two my DH went as well and it was a great help).
I think this has definitely made our relationship stronger, we’ve been together for 11 years, married for 2, although I’m only 26 and DH is 28. I think time has been the best healer, and communication. It wasn’t until my DH broke down in tears (on numerous occasions, it was that bad for him) and told me how he was actually feeling rather than stewing it all up inside, that I could understand how it was for him. I would definitely recommend counselling as well. We still don’t get much couple time together, apart from at night when DS has gone to bed, but we try and do lots together as a family.
So yip it has been tough, but I think it has made our relationship stronger, and our DS is so completely totally worth it.
09_mrs Im really glad that you shared that as my Mum's conflict with DH has been a huge issue for us. She is very involved as she lives 5 mins away and she is always telling me what to do and putting down DH's opinions. Got to the point where he thought she was trying to get rid of him as well.... I have had some big talks with my Mum and am trying to set more boundaries and stick to them so Im glad to hear you guys got through a similar thing :) Im starting to feel like in time, all the communcating and sorting out we have had to do through this will make us a stronger and better couple.
Edited by wiggly_jiggly
Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7
Cool wiggly_jiggly, I'm glad it was relevant for you :) Some really good advice my MIL gave me was to just work out what is best for you as a family, and what is going to work for you. For us that was relying less on my Mum so that DH got a chance to be more involved, even if it was having to wash nappies, dishes, cook dinner etc.
Best of luck with everything I'm sure it will be all good !!!
Edited to add, it has been really hard as I'm a bit 'strong willed' but it's good to let DH make some decisions about DS as well. Just little things but they make all the difference to the old man ego
Hehe I so know what you mean, I tend to just make all the decisions and disregard DH's opinion which is not good, so Im trying to let him have more say in things and one on one time with the baby without me. I agree, we just have to set boundaries and I am doing more housework for sure telling Mum to hang back a bit more, but its worth it for a happier DH
Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7
I have come back to look at this thread for all the good advice as Im feeling pretty frustrated again.
To update after posting this DH and I did a lot of work on our communicating and things were going really well, he stepped up more and has become a much better father and husband and I have really appreciated all of that, he has been helping so much more and a lot of what I got angry at him for eg not helping, has no longer been an issue, we feel much more like a team in parenting. We were getting along better too and starting to feel more like a couple instead of partners in parenting this child if that makes sense.
However recently we've taken another very difficult hit. There was a big blow up not so long ago between my Mum and DH. Without going into specifics it was regarding the way he feels about her interfering and being too involved in things and disregarding him, and she of course is very hurt as she helps a lot both with time and financially so she finds it hard to understand. I have been the middle man and I see how he feels and I see how she feels and it has been very tough. So currently my parents are not seeing/speaking with DH, and he wants a break from them too, so it's been very difficult. It may all work out for the best as it's forced us to once and for all confront this issue head on, which we have needed to do for a long time, and my parents have pretty much said they are going to but out and have little involvement in how our lives run, so it could work out quite well in the end.
But the problem is it has caused SO much tension between me and DH. Im upset that he has appeared ungrateful to my parents and upset that at times, I feel like I don't know him very well. Since we had a baby and all these stresses in our lives, he's changed quite a lot. He's always been a very passive, friendly, easy going guy but these days he shows his anger a lot more, can be quite frustrating, stubborn and unreasonable at times. He is hard to get through to and quite self centered when it comes to these sorts of things. He was the kind of person that bottled all his feelings up and just ignored things, for years and years, and I feel like now its just blown u pand all the anger/hurt has just spilled over and changed him a bit.
I feel confused. Because I find it so hard to remember why we are together at times because there's always so much tension and problems. But then, when things are ok and we laugh a lot and enjoy our time together, I do remember. But I feel like it's so different to the beginning/before baby, that over time the love changes or something, that you become more like friends and partners/companions in life than anything else. Maybe it's because we've had so much tension this year I find it hard to see him in that romantic way because sometimes I feel so much anger and upset towards him? I don't know if this is making any sense. I just want to look at him and feel happy like I used to instead of feeling hurt/angry/upset/confused.
I think we need some counselling and also some time to get past all this stuff, and I know we can, we are both committed to it and we have both tried very hard this year to change some things and are commited to keep on doing that, because we love our son SO much but also because we want to be more than this for our son, we don't just want to be together because of him, we want to be together as a happy family who all love eachother. I just am unsure how to find that all again...
Maybe the fact Im even asking that question is not good? Or maybe it means I care enough to ask it? I have no idea.
Sorry if this is very confusing it is written at a weak moment
Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7
I think we need some counselling and also some time to get past all this stuff, and I know we can, we are both committed to it and we have both tried very hard this year to change some things and are commited to keep on doing that, because we love our son SO much but also because we want to be more than this for our son, we don't just want to be together because of him, we want to be together as a happy family who all love eachother. I just am unsure how to find that all again...
Maybe the fact Im even asking that question is not good? Or maybe it means I care enough to ask it? I have no idea.
Sorry if this is very confusing it is written at a weak moment
...not confusing at all. Well written & clear :-) Of the two questions you've written that I've quoted, I think that I believe the second one "maybe it means I care enough to ask"....and what to do?....well...I think you've got a good idea in the first sentence of your paragraph I've quoted....counselling might be helpful!
Sometimes I think having a third party who isn't involved ie: counsellor can help iron things out as they're able to look at the situation constructively.
My relationship with DH has changed and there are some days where all I feel like is Mum and Dad, and the trouble lies in that if he helped me more as a parent I'd feel a lot more romantic towards him as a wife.
I also get very frustrated at what he does with DD at times, on one hand I'm glad he's spending time with her on the other I can't help trying to get him to do things differently.
Interesting one for me - I've recently had a blow out with DH's folks as well.
I'm sure they are feeling much as your folks are feeling - that they have contributed to our lives to far and we are "throwing it back in their face". Actually, IMO we are standing up for our daughter and putting her needs above their idealised view of what grandparenting would involve. They have cut us absolutely no slack whatsoever for having a chronically ill, non-sleeping daughter.
The details are irrelevant, but it sounds fairly similar. I've been trying really hard to give DH some leeway because it must be horrible stuck in the middle (so thanks for your perspective on that), but it's also rather horrible to discover that these people who've been very nice to me to date, suddenly ready to attack me for not following their rules. Truthfully it also makes me wary of DH's parenting suggestions - I know how much I draw on my own experience of being parented, and tbh right now I don't think much of how he was/is parented so I know I'm wary of letting him develop the same parenting style.
I dunno where I'm going with this, but just wanted to say it's pretty crappy place to be the one rejected by the inlaws too - especially when it's basically just for standing up for yourself and your right to parent your children as you see fit.
Every time we disagree over something now, I'm afraid he's looking at me in the same way his parents do, and hearing their criticisms of me in his head. It's not nice, even though for the most part we are still a pretty solid couple - just not seeing a whole lot of each other with 2 non-sleeping kids!
I'll be curious to hear others responses. Sorry I can't offer much more myself.
I'm so glad to read this and find out I'm not the only one, since our daughter was born - I have been so irritable and we are arguing over such insignificant things.
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Because, at least if we knew what was up with her, we could try and work with that. I have done a parenting course, which has helped, a lot. DP is due to do the same one, starting next month. So I am hoping that will help him with understanding my DD and working with me, instead of against me. He's very good at teling me what I should be doing with her, but not applying it himself 
I'm sure it will be all good !!!
wiggly_jiggly wrote:
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Interesting one for me - I've recently had a blow out with DH's folks as well.
