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CuriousG
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Location: Raumati South
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Topic: Bonding with baby Posted: 25 June 2009 at 8:04am |
Last pregnancy I bonded with Charlotte straight away - as soon as I knew she was a girl I was absolutely in love and eagerly awaiting her arrival - buying up large and shouting it from the rooftops.
This time around, I just don't feel the same. I still call Cameron "the baby", I am having issues accepting he is a boy not a girl and am having problems imagining him and what he is gonna be like. I also don't really like feeling his kicks for some reason (almost like they are alien) although I panic when I haven't felt them. I do wonder if its because I am just so busy this time around, I feel like rubbish and so tired most of the time and am really struggling with working, commuting and running a household.
I am hoping its gonna pass and I will enjoy some of this pregnancy. Has anyone felt the same or similar?
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surfergirl
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Location: Christchurch
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 8:40am |
Hey G. Not quite the same, but I have found that this time round I am far less 'bonded' to the baby. With my first preg I talked to my tummy, sent it 'good vibes' and 'patted' it a alot. When I had the m/c I was gutted.
With this preg I have been a lot more removed, as I keep expecting it to be taken away (as you will know from our Nov thread) I think it's a self protection thing.
I spoke to some friends about it (who have kids and lots of diff experiences) and they reassure me that once this baby is out I'll feel connected.
But, I'm still concerned and have made a personal promise to myself that if I don;t feel connected I'll tell my midwife or Dr in the first few weeks. I don't want to be distant from this baby, so I'll seek help if I need it.
Sorry, might not help much, but wanted you to know you're not alone!
Hug!
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CuriousG
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 8:51am |
I feel almost like a fraud sometimes because I just don't feel what I think I should be feeling and then there are others out there who so desperately want a baby and that makes me feel guilty for feeling what I do. I even felt bad about actually typing this out loud - I haven't told anyone IRL how I am feeling - I feel like in some ways I have put it out in the universe and something bad could happen.
I clearly need more sleep and time to get used to the idea of having a boy. I did go through a kind of grieving stage that he was a boy and not a girl (because I was kinda hoping for another one) and it has taken a while to get through it (although I am obviously not there yet).
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 8:54am |
I felt the same way with My Charlotte. I didn't want a girl whatsoever, and when I found out I was having a girl, I was really depressed. I'm so pleased I didn't find out till I was about 34 weeks, because it would have made the rest of the pregnancy so bad. I knew, though, somewhere deep down in that muddled up brain of mine that once she got here, i would be fine. In fact, I bonded with her quicker than I did with Jacob. How I "sorted" it on my head was that I loved Jake so much and wanted him to be my "best boy" and did wonder how I would love another boy the same, once I knew I was having a girl, I knew Jake would always be my "best boy" cos he was my only one. IYKWIM.
Also, second pregnancy you know what you are in for this time round, birth, after baby , sleep, feeding issues etc, so you may be feeling a little anxious about that subconciously?
Hope some of this jumble helps.
Hugs!
If it makes you feel beter, most people find #2 easier! Apparent;y they just "slot" in! Good luck!
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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GingerBaby
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 8:57am |
Hey there, I'm a first timer so full of the joys and not in your situation at all. But I guess taking a step back and looking at your messages, I would have thought what you're both feeling is totally natural. First time round is SO much fun (99% of the time) as it's all unknown, a big change in your life, this little bundle that you are full of hopes & dreams for and you fall asleep each night imagining what kind of parent you are going to be and excited about silly things like putting on nappies and dressing them up to meet people for the first time. Second time round a lot of that isn't there I guess in that you've been there done that, and the mystery isn't there. Doesn't mean you love the little one any less! A lot of Mum's also worry about first baby too, that they'll be jealous or Mum & Dad won't get to give them as much time & love and they'll feel left out. Let's face it, pregnancy is a rollercoaster however many times you've been there! Surfergirl it really sounds like you're protecting yourself which is TOTALLY understandable, your subconscious is kicking in and going into defense mode, just in case. I think you're right when you say that you'll talk to someone after the birth if you still feel like that, it's so great you're aware and prepared to do something about it.
Maybe you both should focus on spending time with DP and family, doing things that are going to be a bit more difficult when the little one arrives. Create special memories, take lots of photos so that you can't say "I wish we'd..." when it's not so simple.
My heart goes out to you both, hang in there and believe in yourselves!
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CuriousG
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 9:17am |
Thanks peeps. While its nice knowing I am not alone and that I am probably feeling normal things, I really want to bond and you are right, I probably will when he is born. It will be nice to have a "Mummy's Boy", which so many boys seem to be!
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surfergirl
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 9:18am |
G, you're not a fraud...and saying things outloud won't make things 'happen' (I wonder why i am so sure of this when I am telling someone else, but not when I tell myself - LOL!)
I think it's OK for you to grieve that this baby is not what you expected/wanted. Grief is a natural emotion that cannot be rushed. Allow yourself some time in this space as it is the only way through.
My DH has already said he'll be upset if this baby is a girl, not that he's not happy with whatever we get, but he WANTS a boy. It's OK to want something. And OK to feel let down if it doesn't happen.
On a positive note, you have 20 (ish!) weeks to move through this and awareness is bound to be helpful. If you find you're not coping towards the end, alert your midwife. She will know what to do and what to watch for.
Big hugs, please don't feel so bad. You will be a great Mum to your wee boy...but you are allowed to be sad now!
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AandCsmum
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 10:29am |
G, I was very much the same as you, but I actually wanted a boy & when I didn't enjoy his kicks & the feeling inside me, I was a little gutted, I really just wanted him out.
IRL I didnt' really tell people what I was having, just those close to me. I guess also cause DH was working in Aus, I didn't celebrate my pregnancy as much as well.
BUT  I adore my little boy now, & I can't get enough of him, even when he's screaming down the house in frustration at my boobs.
As Fats has said, you've got your special girl & special boy now. #2 definitely just slots in there.
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Kel
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12
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hailstones
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 11:54am |
Funny we have just had a similar conversation about this in our 'due in' thread.
I think its fairly normal (from what I can gather) from 2nd time Mums, maybe its cause you are so busy with juggling life and family that you don't get as much time to relax (and sleep). Maybe its because its not so 'new' and you know what you are getting yourself in for. I'm not sure........
I do know that I definately haven't been as excited about this pregnancy, I have tried to enjoy it knowing that it'll probably be my last, but its been hard. And also I worry about after its born and juggling everything, with a toddler AND a newborn. I'm not sure what sex I am having and to be honest not really worried bout it. This bubs is coming in 8 days and we still have no idea about names - it may remain nameless for a few days - oh well.
Guess what I am saying mostly (after rambling on) is your not alone, in fact I think you sound pretty normal to me!
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minik8e
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 11:57am |
I have had the same problem with these two - I don't feel bonded at all. Give me anything practical to do, and I'm happy, but as soon as it comes to the actual babies....I don't know what I feel. I don't know if it's a result of our previous history, but these two were planned for and much wanted and DH finds it hards to understand how I can feel the way that I do. I am a LOT better now that I am out of the first trimester - apparently DH was starting to get rather worried, because I was so down and unhappy about being pregnant. But I still don't feel like this is real and there are actually two girls on their way - even though I have had about 8 scans so far and more to come.
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RinTinTin
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 1:07pm |
G - I can say that I am scared that this baby will be a boy. I know I keep telling myself (and everyone else) that I will be happy with either but truth is, I'll be mortified if it's a boy. Right now I'm so glad my baby can't see into the real world or read cause how heartbreaking would it be for my baby to read this, but it is truly how I feel.
I know I will love this baby either way, but it is a horrible feeling, and I am continually telling myself off for feeling this way, but how I feel is how I feel and I need to come to terms with that. Only 6 weeks until I will know for sure.
And like everyone says, once Cameron is out and wrapped up in your arms, you'll love him no matter what!
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Lexidore
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 5:56pm |
I think i may be having a bit of trouble bonding at the moment as well... i think it may be due to the fact i have been feeling sooo bad and am still scared something could go wrong and i will be to blame because i haven't eaten right because ive been so sick. I perked up a little bit after seeing our scan the other day but still not feeling it as such... then i feel bad that because im not bonding and feeling great about being pregnant if something does go wrong im going to deserve it. Sorry to take away from you hun just i guess trying to let you know there are others feeling like they aren't bonding as wel and you are not alone.
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RinTinTin
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 6:30pm |
 For you Bex!
It's been a bumpy ride for you but mate...imgaine how worth it it's going to be come December!
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mummyofprinces
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 6:55pm |
I never completely bonded with Jake whilst pregnant. I too was waiting for it to be taken away from me.
Even when they lifted him out of me it wasnt until the brought him over to me (a good 30 minutes after he was born) that I even felt any emotion other than panic.
By the time we got to the maternity ward three hours later I had bonded.
I cringed everytime he had the hiccups inside me and only enjoyed the flutters at the beginning and the rumbles at the end. The kicks in the between totally grossed me out. I didnt admit that to many people at the time.
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MrsMojo
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 8:28pm |
G I was told that the experience of your first pregnancy is for all your pregnancies. That sounds a bit odd but the fact is that the first time around it's all new and exciting, you have time to daydream about your baby and what you and DH will be like as parents, you have time to rest and relax and you focus more time on your unborn child (buying all the furniture, preparing a room, reading pregnancy books and magazines etc). During subsequent pregnancies you simply don't have the time or energy to focus so much attention on the new baby and you don't need to buy all the big stuff so you're probably not shopping for the baby so much.
I find that even now I can forget that I'm pregnant when I'm busy, I never 'forgot' when I was pregnant with Michaela.
You are not a bad mummy or a fraud, you are simply an extremely busy working mother with a huge daily commute and a preschooler that needs lots of attention when you're home. No wonder you haven't found the time to bond with your son yet in the same way you managed to bond with C. Don't feel bad about it, for starters he won't ever know, and secondly there's still plenty of time to work on your bond. The fact that you're worried when you don't feel him move shows that you already love and care about him.
Don't pressure yourself you will fall in love with him whether it's during your pregnancy or once you've met him you will fall in love.
Maybe a shopping trip entirely focussed on him would help. Or your could get an antenatal massage or pedicure/manicure every now and then and during that time forget about everything except you and your son - it couldn't hurt anyway
You're a great mum to C and you will be a great mum to this wee guy too.
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Nikki
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Posted: 25 June 2009 at 9:16pm |
I think its completely normal with the second pregnancy. I definitely don't feel bonded like I did the first time. I just haven't had the time or energy to think about, talk to, shop for etc this bub. And I deperately wanted, tried for, and got a girl. So its nothing to do with gender - just that I'm so tied up with Jake and all the things I need to get done before she arrives, and exhausted. I'm sure the bond will be there once shes out though.
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DS (5yrs) and DD (3yrs)
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