Would you say no too?

DH wants to take DD away for the weekend or a night over to see his brother at the farm he lives on. Usually I would go to but have made a promise to my neice to take her somewhere so can't. This weekend the farm they are going to is having a house warming (the main farm owners so not the house DD would be staying in) and my problem is that there will be lots of drinking and even though the farmers there have kids I feel it wouldn't be right to send DD along knowing that DH will be drinking as well (and Im not talking just 6 beers, I know DH and it will be a doz)

Last time I was there DH and his brother along with the farmer and his friends got real drunk and went out on their farm bikes and clay shooting, not really ideal behaviour right!

I have said no that DH can't take DD with him, he says he's going to be responsible and I know he won't harm her but its more that is he going to put her to bed at 8pm and stay with her in the house while everyone else is partying at the other house on the property? Is he going to be able to drive her out of there if something happens and she needs to go to hospital? I just think there are too many risks but DH thinks that Im being real mean and that I don't trust him with his own daughter.

Would you say no too? Oh and shes never been away from me for a night, only a few hours. What would I do with myself while shes gone!

It's a toughie I'd be tempted to say No as well, then I also see your DH's POV and it seems that you don't trust him to be responsible, maybe this is your opportunity to show that you do.

I think it does suck that you don't trust him with his own daughter.

Drunken claybird shooting is pretty irresponsible. However, do you think he will behave differently if he knows he is "it" for your daughter? You have always been there previously so perhaps that's why he hasn't felt the need to be the responsible one.

Explain to him how you feel. Tell him you're sorry if it sounds patronizing but you would be much more comfortable if he didn't drink at all (if he's the kind of guy that can't handle just one or two without having to have more then the limit must be zero). And he must be within checking distance of her at all times. Is he actually going to be so irresponsible as to get sh*tfaced and leave her alone in a house or is that just you projecting your fear (of you not being there) onto him? Is this actually a question of his character or is it a question of yours? If he is THAT type of guy then your concerns are valid and saying No would be advised. If he's not that type of guy then IMO it's a bit selfish of you to say no....

Is it this weekend or a while away? Is he normally good with taking her on activities without you for a few hours?

I know it takes a bit of getting used to - being away from your child. Feels a bit like youve lost a limb. But you will be wanting time out every now and again, especially with your new baby coming along, so better for your DH and DD to take every opportunity to get comfortable doing things together you can.

Sorry for the rambling post. Not even sure if it makes sense!

Edited by Delli

Delli wrote: I think it does suck that you don't trust him with his own daughter. Drunken claybird shooting is pretty irresponsible. However, do you think he will behave differently if he knows he is "it" for your daughter? You have always been there previously so perhaps that's why he hasn't felt the need to be the responsible one. Explain to him how you feel. Tell him your sorry if it sounds patronizing but you would be much more comfortable if he didn't drink at all (if he's the kind of guy that can't handle just one or two without having to have more then the limit must be zero). And he must be within checking distance of her at all times. Is he actually going to be so irresponsible as to get sh*tfaced and leave her alone in a house or is that just you projecting your fear (of you not being there) onto him? Is this actually a question of his character or is it a question of yours? If he is THAT type of guy then your concerns are valid and saying No would be advised. If he's not that type of guy then IMO it's a bit selfish of you to say no.... Is it this weekend or a while away? Is he normally good with taking her on activities without you for a few hours? I know it takes a bit of getting used to - being away from your child. Feels a bit like youve lost a limb. But you will be wanting time out every now and again, especially with your new baby coming along, so better for your DH and DD to take every opportunity to get comfortable doing things together you can. Sorry for the rambling post. Not even sure if it makes sense!

Excellent advice. I know my ex was an arse when I was around, but when I wasnt he stepped up. Speak to him and plant your fears in his head and if hes a good dad he will do the right thing.
Good luck

I agree with Sheza.
Or he can take her away another weekend with out you, but one there wont be the tempation of him getting drunk.
If you do end up letting him go is there another mum (or someone who wont be drinking) that you could get to keep an eye on him? Just so you KNOW that hes doing what he promised? (well thats what I would do anyway, but only if he promised he was only going ot have 2 drinks so that he would be ableot drive at the drop of a hat, otherwise I would say no)

I dont think its that you don't trust him, as Im sure you would be fine with him going somewhere with her for the day or even over night, so long as there is no drinking, right?
You are totally with in your rights to feel uneasy about him taking her somewhere, where a party and drinking is going on, with people that you dont know and the fact that your DH will have some drinks.

I couldnt let my kids go in that situation if I knew my DH was going to be drinking.

Hell no is my answer. I think my father was responsible and had our best interests. He took us to a few gatherings at his friends places and he had a few drinks and we all had to stay the night. I never slept a wink as there was always one or two very scary people hanging around. Me and my sister and brother have always remembered these gatherings and we were all scared of going to sleep. I'm sure you can trust your DH, but I wouldn't know if I could trust everyone else hanging around that, especially when alcohol is involved.

In saying that I am the sort of person who wouldn't even allow a party under my own roof with DD here.

Edited by Kazper

I wonder what some of the single mums would add to this, maybe you could post this in the Single Parents section and see what they say?
They don't get a choice.

I'd say no as well, and I don't think it's an issue of trust, it's just that you don't want your DD being sunject to drunks. My DF is Irish, so quite a fan of the drink.... but he knows that if he is minding Isla (like last night, I had a thing at work), he didn't have anything to drink (he normally has a couple each night) because it's irresponsible. If we ever get invited to BBQ's etc where I know people will be getting drunk and rowdy, I stay home with DD cause it's not a good environment for a young child to be in. It actually really saddens me when I see young kids running around at parties amongst people who are pissed as farts and/or smoking. It's just not right.
So I think you are well within your rights to say no. However, I do like Bowie's approach, that way it doesn't come across to your DH that you don't trust him etc. Good luck!

Gosh i must be a total booze hag, we have had quite a few booze-ups with the kids around. We would have a few drinks until the kids are in bed, but then happily get boozed.

Most of our friends have kids (and some have baches) so we are often away with multiple family groups and the kids all run around and play games, then after bed the parents get on the piss. Or we have takeaway nights at our place and the adults generally get somewhat pissed. It has never crossed my mind that my kids would be at risk, they are tucked up in bed asleep, same as any other night.

If it was an emergency i would call an ambulance anyway so driving is not such an issue.

I understand that on the farm that is not an option and tbh i think Bowie has the best idea, make it out that he should go let his hair down and not have to be responsible for DD. They could have a daddy/daughter night away another time to somewhere nice for DD.