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BessieBear 
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Joined: 21 January 2008
Location: Hamilton
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 Topic: MIL - just fully just drives me nuts
Posted: 05 February 2008 at 12:47pm |
I married their only child. They was told that they couldn't have kids. But along came my wonderful Dh by c section 2 weeks early.
My mum had 7 pregnancy's 1 my older brother died of cot death at 3 weeks and the last was a miscarridge at 23 weeks.
I trust my mum's judgement on everything. But when it comes to my mil telling me things about babies and birth etc i just don't want to listen to her. I have not liked swimming in salt water since i was about 10 i don't know why it might be the waves or the fact it tastes disgusting, but over the summer she said to be if i don't go in the water while i'm pregnant them baby won't like it either. I still refused to go in.
It seems that what i do is not good enough and her say is more important. She still just can't let go.
They adopted 2 children before having my Dh but they dont give them that extra attention. I am often having fight's with SIL because MIL and FIL spend alot of money and time on me And Dh I don't even need half of it.
Dh knows how i feel my mum knows how i feel but MIL just can't let go, Can you imagine what they are going to be like when THEIR grandchild is born. Can i get a restraining order for the 1st 5 hours.
Arrrgggghhh Does any1 else have these problems???!!!!!
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Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel  07/08/2014 
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The_Stuarts
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Wellington
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 2:03pm |
 That sounds awful - how suffocating!
I love my MIL and am very lucky to have her but can relate to her giving us too much (DH is the last of 8 and they lost his father/her DH when he was 3 and many of the others were already grown up and having their own kids so in many ways despite having 7 siblings he was a spoilt only child).
My DH had to take a stand and tell her to stop, it's not something that you can do because it'll just come across as nasty.
The advice my MIL gave was sometimes comical and other times disgusting: I was told not to hold my new baby so much as I'd wreck her back and if I wanted her to have curly hair I should spit in it. The former I ignored and the latter I had to take a stand against (seriously my DH and I had fights about it until the day I found info on google about how much bacteria is in the human mouth).
The only issue is that because some of the info was odd or the reasoning stupid I discounted it all but there were actually some great tidbits in there (maybe if I didn't hold my baby so much I wouldn't have had so much trouble teaching her to self settle later on) so I now hear her out and take all the info with a grain of salt.
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 2:16pm |
Yep there are quite a few on here that have MIL issues.
The thing about you not going into saltwater and your baby won't like it either is crap. I hate beans (any kind) so don't eat them yet my boys who were never exposed to them love them.
I have grown to act like i'm listening to some of the things mine says and then just nod and agree and then leave it. I do like mine but some of the things she says I just pass them off and its over with.
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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Andie
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 3:21pm |
erm... in all seriousness, there's nothing wrong with not telling them the baby has arrived until a few hours after the whole event! If you need to feel assured that you'll get that time for just you and DH and baby, ain't nothing wrong with that.
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Andie
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Parki
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 3:26pm |
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Sorry I can't help too much but just wanted to let you know I sympathise with you....
Im sure I will be in for the same sort of thing when pregnant....
Does your DH realise that its annoying you? You don't want to offend him buy asking him to tell him Mum to back off but if he agrees then see if he can have a chat to her maybe?
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tashzmum
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 3:29pm |
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i spent half my pregnancy in water with tash and she is terrified of the ocean. she doesnt mind a bath or what ever but hates the sea.
i have massive issues with most of dfs family. in fact i think all but his oldest brother have been horrible towards me but thats a whole nother story!
what does your other half think about his mum?
and most places i think you can tell them that you dont want any visitors apart from your df until such a time.
and most of all good luck!!
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Natasha Jayde, 1-01-05(7lb3oz)
Caroline Elisabeth, 9-04-08 (4lb15oz)
Izabella Kate, 9-04-08(6lb7oz)
Lexi Brenna, 23-01--2011(6lb6oz)
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Shezamumof3
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 4:03pm |
My mum went swiminng ALL the time while preggers with me, and I dont really like the sea water, ill swim in it, but I prefer the pools  so your MIL can throw the theory out the window
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cuppatea
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 4:13pm |
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I've never heard that about swimming, I can tell you that I haven't been in the ocean for 4.5 years (last time was on my honeymoon) I didn't even think about going in when pregnant, in actual fact being pregnant would probably cause me to avoid it even more, I doubt they are that clean considering most councils pump poos out there (and not always that far from shore).
I think that you need to talk to your partner and tell him you feel suffocated by all the "advice" and that you would like this time to be about you, him and the baby, that you would like to concentrate on enjoying the last few months of it just being you and him and that when the baby arrives, you know that extended family will want to be involved but that you would like that majority of the time to just be the three of you so you can learn to be a new family.
And if you really need to tell the midwifes at the hospital you don't want to see anyone and they will do the nasty for you.
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clare00
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 4:23pm |
Just nod and smile and thank her for the advice! I'm sure she won't be the only one handing out strange and unwanted tips when the baby arrives-but you don't have to take any of it
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BabyOnBoard
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 5:15pm |
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My ex MIL could never let go either, except her son didn't help matters
I feel for ya and hope things work out
Just remember you are the mother and nobody can take that away from you!
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BessieBear
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 5:51pm |
Dh loves his mum but he see's where she is so annoying for me He is really nice about it when he's see's its getting uncomfortable for we just get up and leave.
I think some of it is a money issue. Growing up my family had nothing you know barely got by and they had everything and she still tries to provide and i just kind of want to do it on my own i'm really indepentdant but she want's still still be right there. I've only just managed to get Dh to change the password of his internet banking because before she did it all for him. It just realy frustrates me that she still wants to mother him.
Sometimes i feel like she want's to be me like she's jealous that she can't do things for my Dh that i get to do now. When we first got married i had dreams that she'd come around to our house and fold the socks wrong.
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Sarah Mum to, Boy 07/2008, Girl 03/2010, Boy 05/2012, Angel 07/08/2014
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Roxy
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 10:12pm |
Grrrrrr how annoying for you!!!Hope when Im a mother inlaw Im a really good one like my mother inlaw.Mines great.We know she loves us to bits and always there for us but only gives advice if we ask for it.Im very lucky and I know there are so many annoying mother inlaws. I really hope you get some time with bubs and hubby before you get visitors.I had brooke at 4.30pm and had complications.(she wasnt breathing well and put on oxygen for an hr)and I had bad bleeding probs...then as soon as I went into my room at boutn 5.30 there was a room full of people(sis inlaw,muminlaw,friends)it was too overwhelming cause I was a bit of a space cadet from the whole birth experience.Actually both times it was like that.Id do what andie says and not ph anyone till couple hrs after the event
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Caleb 15/11/02 Brooke 14/11/05
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MonicaMouse
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 10:22pm |
Good Luck! I told DH that I didn't want anyone to know when I had gone into labour, (obviously the 'right people' needed to know, but not family). I had also said that I really wanted most of that first day just to be the 3 of us. In the end I said that ILs could visit the first day - I had been in post natal ward for 12 hrs by that stage and I was asleep when they turned up so they didn't stay. Enjoy those first hours with your new bub, and then let everyone know - or hope bubs turns up late afternoon and then visiting hours are over 
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Blair 15/10/2007
Daniel 30/07/2009
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Bayley
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 10:38pm |
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Sarahbetha - I have nothing to add as my MIL isn't interested in us at all, she rarely sees her grandson, hardly ever phones to see how he is and doesn't even call DH on his birthday!
What I wanted to say was OMG that she did his internet banking for him - I am still in shock after reading that!!
Good luck with getting her to back off.
Oh and I agree with the others - if you can hold off telling the IL's for a little while after bubs is born then do it. I had a long labour and my parents were in the waiting room (and the MIL even, but the interest lasted about a week) and I did not want them there - I wanted at least an hour just with my new baby and my DH. Due to the Emergency c-section that didn't really happen, but I imagine that if I had had a natural birth, they would have been straight in there and I wouldn't have had the time with my son. When they did get to meet him, they took him down the corridor and he was gone for about 10-15 minutes - no-one asked me if it was ok to take my 4hr old son away, they just did it and cos I was so out of it from the morphine I couldn't say a word about it, but it still bugs me even now. Next time I am going to tell them before the birth that I want some time with my new baby before anyone else comes in. I think as a new mum, thats the least you deserve.
You need to voice your opinion on this now before its too late! Trust me on this, I wish I had done the same.
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Jennz
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Posted: 05 February 2008 at 11:38pm |
Move to the other side of the world! Lol  Works brilliantly
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yummymummy
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Posted: 06 February 2008 at 6:41am |
I'm sure she's just trying to help - and if you don't like her advice just shrug it off. Also being so overjoyed because you are preggers can't be a bad thing - imagine if she just didn't care at all - wouldn't that be much worse?
Anyways, I'm in the minority (I think) as I really quite like my MIL
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miss
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Posted: 06 February 2008 at 10:02am |
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I love my MIl too.
Maybe try to look at it differently. Often if you chagne the way you see things (even if it is a struggle) it can make things seem not so bad.
SUre she is obviously over involved in her sons life (seriously - internet banking?) but channel it into something productive - if she can knit or sew, ask her to make something special for the baby - an outfit or a blanket or something. Tell her that you would love it if she could make something special for baby to wear home from the hospital.
If you involve her by choice, then she might not need to barge in quite so much - she is trying to find her role in your life at the moment as her role in her son's life has changed. So help define the role by giving her things to do, and preempting things you know she is going to annoy you with.
Of course none of this may work, but won't you feel better knowing that you tried?
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fire_engine
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Posted: 06 February 2008 at 11:56am |
Wow Sarahbetha - am also in shock about the internet banking. Sounds like there are some serious issues with cutting (or even loosening) the ties.
My ILs are great and I love them dearly but I feel extremely crowded by MIL. It's so hard, cos I know she's just excited and means well. I am a very independent person who hates being told what to do and what's right etc (cos I'm always right ) and have really struggled with the thought of being out of control with a new baby who has a mind of its own. I've been worried about getting too much advice told to me, albeit well-meaning, and really needing the space to work it through in my own way. I also don't want to get into discussions about my labour and perineum if I don't want to. It's one thing to do it with my sisters, but with the ILs - not quite the same!
Luckily DH is on board and (as he said this morning) needs to have a talk with his mother. We're not going to tell people for several hours after the birth. Both our families are out of Auckland so won't be rushing into the birthing suite, but it means that when we see them, we see them 24-7 for a week or 2 at a time! My sister's advice was have 2 weeks without people staying, so that's what we'll do. DH is also going to talk to MIL about giving advice and will remind her that I am actually reasonably intelligent and well-read and that if I need help or advice, I will ask. I'm much more likely to ask if it's not being forced on me. We're also going to find roles for them (and my dad) like Miss suggested - cooking meals (DH has arranged the pantry so visitors can find ingredients quickly!) and making things. Actually, MIL knitted the baby blanket 2 years ago!
My advice (feel free to ignore) - talk to DH and agree on the "rules" now and then get him to gradually bring them up. I agree that you need to do it now rather than when the baby's come as you just won't have the energy for it, and you don't want that stress.
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Mum to two wee boys
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MIL - just fully just drives me nuts
