advise pls re ILs staying

Sorry this is going to be a novel! My ILs live in the Sth Island and we get on pretty well. It can be a bit stressful when they come to stay (even DH agreed). I think partly because it is stressful having any guests stay but also because they do things so differently to us. Going out is a military operation with DH directly his parents so that we can actually get out of the house at a decent time, it is even hard now having to work a bit around Jack's routine.

Anyway they want to come and stay for a week in July as there are many events then:
DH bday 3rd
SIL bday 10th plus her baby is due that day (she is in Melbourne)
Our baby due 12th

So the ILs want to be in Melbourne for 10th (SILs bday) for a wk, then Cairns or somewhere else for a wk. Not sure if they want to stay with us before or after.

My problem is I will either be heavily pg, in labour or just home when they come to stay. Our new house is not big, the kids will each have a room (I will NOT move the baby out of their room) so the ILs will have to sleep on an airbed in the lounge.

I have told DH I don't want them to stay and I think he kind of understands, he told his Mum that it would be a hard time to stay when he spoke to her the other weekend. I don't think she was angry but I don't think she understands (and obviously wants to make the most of her flights as they are often best to fly to Oz ex AKL)

Now I am starting to feel bad. Mum and my SIL (Bro's wife) agree with me. My Mums parents lived in the Sth Island and we always had to stay in a motel when we visited.

I have said they can come if they stay somewhere else but there aren't really any motels etc near our new house. I am starting to feel really guilty. What do I do? Any suggestions on some solutions?

If you managed to get through this then thanks heaps for reading!!

I agree with you that people staying when you are due to have your baby is going to be hard work. I personally would not have my IL's stay with us at anytime, but they live close so I don't need to worry.

I think you may need to get DH to clarify with them that they cannot stay with you at that time, but try and find somewhere for them to stay. Whereabouts out west are you? I am a westie and might know of somewhere.

Sorry not much help. Good Luck!


edited for spelling

Edited by HeidisMum

Just tell them its too much for them to be staying with you. If they don't take it too well thats their fault but don't feel guilty about it. You have to look after your own family. Mention it would be more peaceful and quiet at the motel anyway.
Good luck with it!!

We are hoping that our house sale goes unconditional this week so we should be in our new house in Swanson before baby arrives. I have tried looking but can't see any accomodation that is close by which would mean they would have to hire a car as well as they are not having mine!

I did have a thought this morning in the shower (my best thinking place!) that they may be able to stay with MILs cousin who is in PT Chev or something. Might suggest to DH tonight if I remember.

When we had Jack they waited about 4wks or so, but that was still hard enough.

I understand why they want to visit then, makes sense to see us on their way to or from Melbourne. I just don't think I would cope and I worry that our marriage might not cope as well as I tend to take it all out on poor DH.

Well I feel a bit better that I am not alone in my thinking. I just have to make sure my guilt doesn't get to me so that I end up relenting and having them stay

Also another compromise would be to maybe have them stay for 2 nights with you and the rest in hotel/motel as they are probably going to be at your house lots anyway.

If your lucky they may decide that 2 nights with you is fine and then head on so it means it will be less time over all.

Just a thought.

Why are you doing the searching? Sounds to me like you are doing the typical female thing and feeling guilty when you haven't done anything wrong, and that you are trying to fix everything and make everyone happy. Take my advice, get DH to call them and politely explain the situation, then nicely suggest they look into finding a local motel. I'm sure they will be fine with that along with finding a hire car if that's what they choose to do.

That week is not a week for people to staying at your house.

I agree Danaj, but looking helps appease my guilt a little. And I feel bad for DH as I know how I would feel if the roles were reversed. Will leave it for now and see what happens next time we talk to MIL. Thanks though guys, it helps to feel that I have a few people 'on my side'!

I know what you mean about the guilt thing Linzy. We've had dramas with MIL and SIL calling saying they'll be coming to stay a couple of weeks after baby arrives. DH told them nicely "No" and now he's had to get more forceful. I really don't think I could handle it and I know 100% that I couldn't deal with it this week.

Also, don't forget if they're staying, they'll be there while you're laboring at home. I know if it was me, it just wouldn't be an option as I'm sure you would remember from having Jack.

I think its always a tough situation, but your DH needs to "man up" (sorry if that sounds harsh), and tell them honestly that it isnt going to work for you guys. If they are determined to be in Auckland then they can stay somewhere, if you guys are in Swanson, could they actually stay in the city and catch the train out to you guys?

My ILs live out of town, and always stay with us now, but we have a 2nd bathroom, and a spare room - it might be different when #2 happens, but who knows where we will be then. They always offer to stay in a motel though, and they always just "fit" in with us and our methods and parenting techniques.

Good Luck - but get your DH onto it, you shouldnt be dealing with it all on your own.