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blondie 
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Joined: 01 January 1900
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 Topic: Are you a step parent - HELP please
Posted: 24 July 2008 at 10:38am |
Hello I'm a full time stepmum to a nearly 9 year old boy I have been a stepmum full time for over five years to him now and at the moment i'm really struggling and its starting to cause problems with me and DH.
So I am asking if anyone one here is also a full time step mum or dad and what kinda things you deal with and how you deal with it.
Just seems that every thing I do I am having to explain myself because stepson runs to dad and tells or makes a big thing about something little and its really doing my head in! please help
thanks heaps
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Deez
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Location: Waitakere
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Posted: 24 July 2008 at 10:49am |
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You need to talk to your DH about this otherwise your step child will play you against each other and its not going to be nice! Your DH needs to back you up 100% when it comes to any sort of discipline or chores. If its a big issue you need to decide what to do together...but for little things your DP needs to show you support and respect the decisions you have made, otherwise your step son will run all over you.
Mine did the same and he still ignores me now, but i tell his dad if he's not going to listen in my house he can go back to his mother...we only have him on weekends. I cant get him to do anything the first time around it usually takes me about 5 times to get him to help out and even then he has a smart comment....i no longer go out of my way for him....dont get me wrong he is a really good kid but he just doesn't think i have the right to tell him what to do even though i have been his step mom since he was 2 and he'll be 12 this year. I dont think he sees me as a mum more like his friend.
Good luck i hope you sort this out soon!
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mrshouse
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Posted: 24 July 2008 at 12:47pm |
blondie what a horrible situation to be in.....ultimately its your DH who has to step up and show his son that you are his partner....and he will back you up..im not a full time step mum but i grew up with with my mums husband as my father........i dont refer to him as my step father because he is my father......and my mum and my father have never treated me any different- my dad treated me the same as he treated his kids with my mum....it wasnt until im an adult now that my mum said it was hard in the beginning to let my dad discipline us but she knew that if she kept interfering then we wouldnt learn to respect her husband as our dad......................
I hope you and your DH get to resolve this.........your step son will only keep doing what his father lets him do....
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blondie
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Posted: 24 July 2008 at 12:53pm |
Yeah hard place alright.
DH and I need to get on the same page when it comes to stepson (wil try and sit down tonight and talk about this)
The hard thing is stepson does most of his naughty behaviour when DH is not here and then makes a big deal about it to DH when he gets home eg That I pushed him etc lies lies lies and also things like he came home from his birthmothers place on sunday night Dh asked if I working tonight I relpied yes and stated the time I working then stepson starting counting on the clock to see when I leave he'd only been home for about 1/2 an hour now that really hurt be. Its jsut so hard at the moment
Edited by blondie
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Jay_R
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Posted: 24 July 2008 at 1:25pm |
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I'm a stepmum too, but not full time. It's a hard road at times. It's difficult to know when/where to draw the line and step back and let their biological parent take over. I do the lionshare of the parenting with my stepkids when they are with us, but I leave all the discipline to their dad.
However, you say you are a full time step-mum? So I take it your DH has custody of him. And you've had him with you for 5 years? Personally, this would constitute to me that you are an equal parent to him. And you need to remember that this is a little boy, not an adult, and his running off to his daddy is what any child would do if they don't get the answer they want from the first parent they ask!
I think we tend to act emotively sometimes too - maybe feel they are pushing at us, or disrespecting us, when really they are just being kids.
Also, take into account the fact that if he is living with you full time, then there is a mother out there who for whatever reason is not there for him as she should be...... thats gotta hurt. Especially now as he's getting older.
Can I ask..... do you ensure that you treat him exactly the same as you do your biological children? Cos if not, then that could be part of the problem for both of you. Kids pick up on feelings and attitudes far more than they often get credit for. If you feel resentful or whatever towards him, its impossible to completely mask that. I know in the past I have reacted really badly to my stepson, and then felt so very bad about it. I just keep reminding myself that he is a little boy, who deserves to feel loved and cherished and valued. It's not his fault that his parents are no longer together, and it is my job, as an adult and someone who really cares for him to make him feel like he should.
Big hugs to you blondie - its not easy being a wonderful step parent, but just remember that you are one!
Edited by joshierocks
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youngmumnz
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Posted: 24 July 2008 at 1:52pm |
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Heya, I'm a full time step mum too although i hate using that term lol but ive looked after my partners daughter since she was a baby and his son. his son used to act out alot at first we couldnt figure out why he was about 3 at the time so we put it down to normal kid stuff but then night we heard him crying so i went in and then i realised alot more effects them then i first thought and there were alot of pent up issues regarding his mother leaving him and how he felt like no one wanted him as she pretty much threw his stuff on the lawn it was sad but i helped him threw it. As he got older there was the "Your not my mum moments", "my mum will come get me!" and the running to dad going "mum put me in time out" when he realised he wasnt getting any sympathy there he tried the nasty tactics i mentioned i call them nasty tactics because the "your not my mum " after 3 years of being there for him constantly really hurt. I't did get easier but we enforced contact with his mother as we found it more damaging for him then good her seeing him willy nilly. In the end he asked us if he could stay with her and we said yes with some provisions in place although it was the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life. My partners daughter still lives with us and doesnt know any different and we dont plan on telling her till she is older and can understand as im the only mum she has really ever had.
Sorry dont know if this is of any help but it does get easier just wanted you to know that cause in the end he was calling me mum and we were really close. (i miss him heaps)
Good luck sweety,
Jess
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Are you a step parent - HELP please
