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MummyFreckle 
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Joined: 08 February 2007
Location: Auckland
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 Topic: Help - reconnecting?
Posted: 12 January 2009 at 8:53am |
Hi - I think I have mentioned on here before that I dont have a relationship with my dad. In the last 12 years, I have spoken to him twice - once on my wedding day when he rang me to tell me he wasnt coming, then once when we were leaving the country (again he rang my brother and I got "tricked" into talking to him!)
So - I have been thinking lateley that its really sad that he hasnt seen / met Oli, and that maybe it would be nice for him.
The thing is - I dont know how to reconnect (and am still not 100% sure that I want to).....
We have always had a fairly firey relationship, but at the age of 20 I got wise t his emotional games and basically told him that, he didnt like it (being the matyr that he is) and we havent spoken since. He lives fairly close by and my brother still sees him. I am just not sure how to make the first move after all this time, and how to do it in a way that protects me (and Oli and DH) from any possible angst and drama. He does have a FB profile and I was wondereing about "connecting" with him on their with a message saying something like - "thought you might like to see pictures of Oli...".... I dunno though. Its got me all confused and I am laying awake at night (between listening to Oli cry - sleep issues at the moment ) thinking about it.
Has anyone been in a simialr situation - any ideas?
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BugTeeny
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Location: Sunny Tauranga
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 10:33am |
Hey Sam 
I haven't been in that situation. But my Dad lives in America and we find FB is a great way to keep in touch - especially with the photo sharing.
It's a good way to keep in touch without any pressure. You can pick and choose when/what you reply to, and he can see the photos of Oli.
Might be a bit of an ice-breaker?
Good luck
*edited to add - with FB, if things are getting a bit much, you can just remove him as a friend.
Edited by MamaPickle
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Danaj
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 10:58am |
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I've always found that writing a letter is the best way to go. It does the job of communication and can feel quite cleansing to write. Typing and emails just don't seem to have the same effect.
Write him a letter and put some photos in with it. Then it's up to him.
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caliandjack
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 5:49pm |
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I was going to say write a letter, my birth mother contacted when I was 20 via letter, it got the ball rolling to establish a connection.
Also gave me a choice of whether to respond or not.
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.Mel
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 6:02pm |
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Not seeing him? Is that his choice or yours? Or is it something that has never come up until now?
I guess contacting him via FB is a good start. I wish you lots of luck in whatever you decide, I would just hate for you to be let down by him. Be very sure in your decision..
Edited by .Mel
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miss
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 6:06pm |
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I guess that the thing is, do you want him to be an influence on your son as he grows and learns what being a boy and a man is all about. I would be concerned about the messages that my child would pick up on (I am thinking about my personal situation here, for me it is my mother who has no contact with me, my older sister or my child).
i know that there is no way my mother wiill have a relationship with me unless it is on her terms, so it isn't worth it for the emotional blackmail. Becasue you were a lot younger when you cut contact, you may find that he differentiates between you then and now as an adult so it might work. Just take it slowly, as it will be harder to re-cut contact once ollie has met and developed a relationship with him than if you see things aren't going to work before they meet.
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MrsH
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 6:50pm |
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I'm kind of in the same boat except I don't have the baby yet but I don't have a relationship at all with my dad. (He skipped country when I was about 10, I went for a holiday at 16 and we stopped talking shortly thereafter - his call, not mine - said I was being too influenced by my mother...)
I'm now 29 and have seen him a sum total of 4 times in the past 13 years - TBH I don't like the guy.
For me, I wonder if he would add value to my baby's life. He/She already has four grandparents (DHs and my Mum and stepDad) so I don't think having the other guy in our lives will enrich it any more.
I'll probably just send a note with a couple of photo's. Leave the rest up to him and DO NOT put up with any crap from him.
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Danaj
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Posted: 12 January 2009 at 8:57pm |
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Kinda goes to show that any as*shole can donate sperm but it takes a special kind to be a good Dad.
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MummyFreckle
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Posted: 13 January 2009 at 8:40am |
Thanks for sharing your stories and for the advice ladies....its great to know I am not the only one in this sort of situation. Sometimes I feel a bit like a freak for not having a relationship with my dad!
I have been doing a lot of thinking (and thanks to someone on here for a wonderful PM) I have been able to start putting some sensible thoughts together about it.
I guess I have always known (as long as I can remember) that my dad is basically an emotional blackmailer. He is very selfish and doesnt see how his actions hurt others. He doesnt think that anything is ever his fault - and thats the reason we havent spokent - I basically told him as much, he didnt like hearing the truth and that was that.
He is never going to have an active role in Olis life, he gave up that right in my opinion, when he stopped being a dad to me and my brother years ago. I have thought a lot about it and I just dont think that he will add any value into the mix (IYGWIM), and I dont know if I want to take the risk of their being angst, as the only person who is likely to be hurt and stressed about it is me. I think my desire to re-connect is due to my mum being really sick at the moment, and me having to be the "adult" in the family in terms of getting her to take care of herself, take her meds, take her to the appts etc.....so perhaps its a natural response to the stress of that.
I think I would only be doing it out of a sense of "duty" and trying to do the right thing, but in reality there is nothing in it for me....so maybe I just need to be a bit selfish for a change.
If he wants to contact me, he knows where I am, has my email address etc. So I might just leave it at that for the time being.
Thanks again for your support - isnt OB a wonderful caring little community!
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SMoody
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Posted: 13 January 2009 at 12:01pm |
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What you are just saying is making so much sense to me. My mother and your dad must really have been seperated by birth.
She is really good with emotional games ect. Through the years I always thought there was something wrong with me. I didnt get the wedding I wanted (got married in a court without any family around) after her telling the preacher that Grant is a druggie and all sorts of crap.
She told me the reason why I keep miscarrying is God's way of punishing
me(I was 14 weeks pregnant at that stage) I even got to the point just before marrying of actually cutting my wrist in a moment of total insanity when she was going on at me. Right there in the kitchen in front of my fiance and her. I really dont know what got over me but all she could say is that I wanted attention and warned Grant of me. That day I realised I will never ever have the mother I always wanted and that is the day I got free.
She found out my daughter existed when she was already 9 months old and just before we moved as I really felt bad for my dad having to keep is secret the whole time. She is sort of okay. She calls now and then. But the emotional ties I had to her is broken. I can sort of pretend but dont let her get to me. I am really careful how she is near my daughter. She is now here in NZ still for 2 weeks and a few times stopped talking to me and once got a bit no talking to my daughter so I just removed ourselves and went out ect. She quickly learned that she cant emotionally play me anymore.
So my advice unless you know you are strong enough in yourself for him not to his playing games influence you then you guys as a family is not ready yet. However if you think you are emotionally ready make contact and go from there but let him know the boundaries from the beginning and if he starts games treat him l ike you would a 3 year old. Dont give any attention to bad behaviour at all and protect yourself and your family first.
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SBM
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Posted: 13 January 2009 at 1:07pm |
Wow. I totally understand where you're coming from Sam. Although I have only recently broken ties with my father (just over a year ago) who sounds a lot like yours. Emotional blackmail, selfishness, totally manipulative and never takes responsibility for his actions. It's all about him-him-him, what he wants, and being crafty about how he will get it.
We never had the best relationship anyway, I guess after I moved out (which was ASAP, it was just me and him when I was a teenager) and established my own life, I realised that the only reason we had a relationship at all was because I felt like I had to since he was my Dad. Basically, I didn't like him, but I loved him.
Now I don't like him, or love him.
It's a hard road, one that I'm just beginning. And already I have doubted myself and my decision - but it takes two to tango.
I love and respect the fact that he played a part in my upbringing and making me who I am today. In fact I get this stubborn, fiery anger from him  But he did me wrong one too many times.
Sorry for the rant, I'm just totally relieved to see that someone else has a crazy parent they don't want in their lives. And with all these people here on OB with similar stories, it makes me feel a little less guilty about our situation.
We only have one father. But as Dana said, any a$$hole can be a sperm donor, but it takes someone special to be a Dad.
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Help - reconnecting?
