Help with Andrew please

Now don't get me wrong he is a great little boy but his behaviour has got me so worked up I just don't know what to do now. And I have put in the the general as more people come here and more people can give advice.

Me and Andrew clash we are so alike in personality (both head strong, strongs willed - typical first borns) so when ever one of us gets angry with the other there is no chance to reason (thats with both of us too).

He can go from nice to naughty in a second and he can be very naughty to the point where I just want to chuck him outside and give him to someone else.

When he does get angry he tells me I am a fricken usless mummy (I have no idea where this came from as we don't say that here), and he doesn't want me to live here. That is when I put him outside and tell him to go and find somewhere else to live. He usually ends up crying on the step saying that he does love me and does want to live here, then when he comes inside he is all happy and good again. I know its not the best thing to do to put him outside but at the moment it is my coping thing to do - rather than hitting him, I think I am doing better by not hitting him.

I do know that a number of his problems are that daddy isn't around and doesn't have a strong male infuence in his life. When my friend and her hubby are around or we are at their place he does tell him off and I let him do it as he is a strong man who kinda acts like the male inforcer in his life - but he doesn't see him every day.

I tried to reason with him last night and talk to him and telling him that if he is a good boy all day then he can get a sticker to go on the calendar, little that did just before we went to kindy he pushed Josh of the chair.

So I am at a loss now. I don't know what to do with him.

Any ideas???

Please

And thank you for read (if you still are) this long post.

Sorry Becks that you are having issues with Andrew. He's missing his daddy and although you are trying your best to be both mummy and daddy sometimes it just aint gonna cut the mustard.

I do not agree with your way of dealing with his anger and tantrums at all, he is a 4 year old and you are the adult. I feel that what you are doing to him is just completely unnecessary. You need to find somewhere else to put him, eg: naughty step, corner, bathroom, toilet not outside.

Sounds to me like there is a real battle of wills here.
I think you need to get some expert advice on this.

My suggestions:
Mummy/Andrew Dates
Writing letters to Daddy
Andrew makes up the "rules"
"be nice to each other"
"always say hi in the morning"
"hug each other every day"

Hmm the only other thing that I can think of is that he's trying to assume the daddy role in your family and is having trouble expressing the way he feels.

Have you spoken to DH about this? What does he think?

Maybe in the weird world of boys he is thinking that maybe you will "leave him" too, and thats whyv the upset. No idea but I think time out in his room might be better. and treating it not so much as punishment but as a "time out" from each other. Telling him "you can come out when you are calm".

I think it is pretty easy for you to be stressed at the moment with everything that is happening, but I reall agree with Mel's ideas about trying to make your time together special. Is Andrew at kindy i remember you saying he was accepted into campbell street.

Oh yeah, are you free on Saturday around 10? I thought if you were free we may come over. Try and tire Andrew out, and Jake is keen on the guinea pigs. Apparently jake is getting a penguin and Clifford the big red dog for his birthday, both of which will sleep in his bed.

I do know that the putting outside is not the best thing to do and I accept that it is wrong but in the heat of the moment it is all I can/want to do at the time.

He is at kindy 5 mornings a week and the teachers tell me that he is wonderful there but when I turn up he turns .

It is hard to get mummy and Andrew time as the grandparents in town both work full time and I don't really have anyone else that could have Josh for me so me and Andrew can have that time alone.

He does have a timeout spot and does go there for things it is when he calls me names and tells me he doesn't want to live here is when I put him outside, this is what I need to change the most.

Liz we are free then, that would be good for Andrew as he has been asking to go round and play with Jake so if I tell him Jake is coming to play he will be happy.

DH does know it is happening and all he has said is get over it and deal with it - easy for him to say up in Siberia not having to deal with it.

ahhh the joy of children a? :-P

Caitlyn can go from " i love you so much mum " to " i hate you , your just a big idiot head " so quick that it makes my head spin .

I think the main thing to remember is little kids dont really hate us , they just know that it shocks us and hurts our feelings, and even though its not a good reaction,they still get A reaction .

With Caitlyn i use the sticker chart, and time out, but you need to wait till hes in a good mood and explain how the sticker chart works, and make it sound fun , suggest he colours it in or something.
Tell him the way it works is if hes good all morning , gets ready for kindy etc , he gets a sticker that morning, if hes naughty he gets a cross, ANNNND one of his toys will be taken for a day (and do it too, to show you mean business)
If hes good in the PM he gets a sticker then too, you can decide how you want the reward to work.
The thing to remember is, hes just a little boy who loves his mummy but has to share her with his brother, and who misses his daddy , as hard as it can be when they are being brats , try as hard as you can to always leave him with something nice.

Other thing you could do, that i've also done is i wrote a letter to Caitlyn telling her how much i loved her and that i really liked this and this about her, but perhaps the both of us should work on our tempers (which are the same here too) , i had to read it to her , cuddled up , but it helped a lot , worth a try .

From seeing how Andrew behaves at my house I had one thought. But I don't have experience with kiddies of that age.

He looks like he gets jealous that Josh gets all the good attention and he's always being told off. So he misbehaves to try and get your attention.

Andrew you've said to me before craves attention so maybe instead of focussing on the bad things he does which obviously isn't work, try focusing on good.

Make up a set of house rules, and let him help decorate it. And on his sticker chart rather than giving him one sticker for the day if hes good. Tell him he will get one for each nice thing that he does. And once he gets say 10 then you will read 1 book with him or something. Becuase he loves books and its a nice happy reward for him and its easier for him to get. And if he breaks one of the rules then tell him he has to loose a sticker as per norm. I think if you made it easier to get the good things he will try harder.

PS. if you want a break, bring the boys round during the day and shove Andrew on my treadmill for a while

After seeing him yesterday I had some more thoughts

It was cool how you popped him into time out here. And he did actually do alright in it but I think when hes in timeout you just need to tell him why hes there and completely ignore what he's doing there so long as he stays there just ignore him. He was trying to get your attention and you responded to him quite a bit telling him to turn back around whereas I think if you had ignored him completely it would have been a bit more effective.

He's sooo jealous of Josh's attention though. I saw when you were playing with Josh on the floor and laughing at whatever you were doing. Andrew looked at the two of you and he looked quite sad and resentful. I think he really just wants some nice attention like what Josh gets.

One of my friends who has a 5 year old and had similar issues when her man was posted overseas for a few months had quite a good way of dealing with missing his daddy. He said to his son that he wanted special things made by his son. So if he was a good boy each day the lil guy and his mummy would sit down and make something for his daddy. Like a drawing etc and then at the end of the week they would send it off and he would really really look forward to the phone call about all the things that were sent to him. And then he would always tell his son that if he hears he has been a good boy and "the man of the house" then he would send a little treat back to say thank you. She said it worked great for them.