feeling really really low -long-

Well I just left Abby screaming at daycare she was so unhappy and now I feel like sh*t!!

I have suffered from depression, anxiety and panic disorder for years and it has escalated since I had abby so I decided to get off my butt and do something about it last year. So I was referred to the anxiety clinic her in chch.

They have asked me to do a breathing and relaxation course for 4 weeks and a group therapy course for 8 weeks on top of trying yet another medication, these start in March and finish in May. So I have had to put abby in daycare for the whole day on wednesdays as their sessions finish at 11-45 and I don't finish until 12-30. Now I am at a loss I hate being away from her for more than a few hours and have only done it once before now I am going to be doing it for a whole three months, I'm not sure I can do it.

She's my last baby (ok she's not a baby anymore) and I want to spend all the time I can with her I feel so conflicted. I feel that I have let her down as a mother because I am putting myself first. If I didn't have these stupid problems and wasn't such a mental case I would be able to be a proper mother!! I'm supposed to be a SAHM and normally she goes to creche for the morning a couple of times a week but that's for the social side of things not because I have to and for some reason that makes a difference. I can't believe everything is such a mess at the moment.

I know I need to get better as this is starting to severely impact my life now to the point where I avoid going out if I have to, not to mention the extreme exhaustion and the highs and lows, and the not eating but I feel it's all at the expense of Abby. She was so unhappy today normally she gives a little grizzle and then comes right before I have even left the room, but today she was screaming and calling out "mama" and it really hurt to leave her there. To make matters worse one of the two teachers she is attached to is away on holiday for two weeks from tomorrow so it will only get worse.

I'm sorry ladies I'm just feeling very sorry for myself right now and there is no one I can really talk to as no one in my family understands my "problems" and a common phrase I hear is "get over it", if only it were that simple!!!

Aww that sounds really sad, cause when they cry out "Mama" it kind of rings in your ears doesn't it?

The thing is, you need to look after yourself first to be a good mum. If putting her in daycare for a day/morning a week so you can go to classes is going to make you a happier mama by the end of the day (and overall), then you really are doing her a favour. And she'll get used to daycare soon enough.

There are things you can do to help her settle, you are probably already doing some but here's what I can think of for some ideas. When you're getting her ready to go start talking about daycare in positive light, maybe include some "do you remember doing x last time?" and at her age she is probably interested in sequence, for stability, ie she'll be going for playtime, morning tea, some more play, lunch, then mummy will come. You can drop her off a little bit early and then stay with her until she settles with something. Perhaps take her straight to the puzzles/books/paint and do one with her and then announce that you're leaving. Be really matter of fact, give her a quick kiss, and don't turn back around. It sounds really hard but it makes it heaps easier!

Otherwise you could look at Porse and get a nanny to come look after Abby in your home. This means there would be less kids around (my Hannah finds this overwhelming, her personality is a lot gentler) and that she's in her familiar environment.

Anyway stay positive, enjoy your breaks, and it *will* get easier! And good on you for taking this big step forward.

Anxiety totally sucks, but I have to agree with busymum that despite how hard it is, taking care of yourself is crucial to being able to be a good mum - at least IMO. One of the key things I remind myself of when I start feeling anxious or as though I might have a panic attack, is that "this too shall pass" - there is always an end to it no matter how far away it seems.

The breathing course sounds interesting, and I don't know if you'd be able to get a copy of it through your local library, but I would highly recommend reading "Hyperventilation Syndrome" by Dinah Bradley - I found it very 'enlightening' so to speak.

And if you ever need someone to talk to you can PM me, I have MSN or could txt you on cellphone, sometimes just knowing that there's someone else out there who has been down the same road (and is there to talk to if you need it) helps you to feel better.

** Just thought I'd add that I have anxiety disorder too, and am managing it through combination of medication and counselling, as well as natural remedies. The other thing I tell myself when I find life is getting too busy or tiring, is 'take one day at a time'. Cliche I know, but sometimes necessary so as not to get totally overwhelmed.

Edited by jax

I think you are an awsome strong person! for getting help and Abby will benefit as well as you in the long run good on you

Dinahs book should be in your local library. It is a great book and explains everything really well. Sorry am a little biased about it as I have done one of her courses and she was great!

Not really much i can add to what everyone else has said but just wanted to say good on you for getting help. Its a big step to take but its the right step.
Ive been through the chch anxiety clinic and found them really good. Still listen to the cd they gave me when im having a bad day and the breathing really does help. I discovered that my breathing rate was to high so therefor when I start getting panicy my breathing levels are already raised so it doesnt take much more for me to go into full on panic mode! the whole theory behind it is quite interesting. Anyway good luck.

Theb Porse one is only subsidised if she goes to a homeeducators place not if a nanny comes to your place.I am with Porse in Auckland

You guys are the best, Talk about emotional and I'm not even pregnant I cried when I read half of your replies. You were exactly what I needed.

Abby did not have the best day on Wednesday and was grizzly all day and she refused to eat anything all day? But after a long talk with the headteacher in the over 2's and your support I feel much better about leaving her there. And it does make more sense to have her in daycare instead offarming her out to everyone over a period of 3 months.

I know i need to do this and I know I can get on top of it and yeah just take it a day at a time. I'm off to find that book today after my doctors appointment.