How do you hang on to your sense of self?

I'll be back to this soon... but short answer, you don't. I'm pretty sure you have to wait until you kick them out when they are 18.

It's funny that you have said that. Just last night I was lying in bed trying to think of what defines me and I'm not sure I was able to come up with anything at all.

Pre babies I was a singer/songwriter and whenever I felt I needed to get back to 'me' I would write a song or at least a few lyrics. Since having kids I haven't written in years but when I have tried I go absolutely blank and can think of nothing but the housework that needs doing or that I really should pre enroll Chloe at school and Miya at kindy. I also have a love for animals and wish to work with them, however since being put on bed rest during my first pregnancy all my studies were put on...indefinately and by the time my first daughter was born affording to continue my vocal training was impossible.

It seems now all that I can say I may defined as is a stay at home wife and mother, although I love my family dearly and I am proud to be a wife and mother it isn't really who I am.

I got up this morning and decided to start doing something for me or to help find my sence of self again, so I have applied for a corrospondance course in animal care. And now I am so proud of myself for taking that first step!

At this very moment, I have no sense of self, I'm totally 100% consumed by my family and their needs/wants.

I struggle with this alot at the moment.

The only time that I feel "normal" is when I am away from them; whether it be that I take an extra long shower, or I walk down to Onehunga on my own or it's when they are all in bed asleep. I don't feel like I have an identity some days my role in this family is to be mother, wife and slave.

I'd give anything for them to be able to think for themselves.

I'm doing this mother thing by instinct. I didn't realise or remember feeling this alone (being a SAHM), my days are long, lonely and quiet and I try to go out once a week for coffee or to the library, I guess that's me trying to be me and not "mummy" even though I'm pushing a stroller while doing that.

I have no idea if I answered your questions correctly, just typed what came to me...

For many reasons I have been struggling with this and thinking about it a lot lately! I think our mothers were probably bought up knowing that once they got married, they then had kids and your lot was to stay at home and have no further expectations. But then something changed in that time and we were then brought up to believe we could (and should) have it all - the perfect 'equal' marriage/partnership, house, babies and career!

I personally would be quite happy to stay at home in a full-time mothering role and be a domestic goddess! However the career I have chosen does not allow for an absence of over 3 years without retraining (and even within that time you still have to do 120 hours 'professional deverlopment' in your own time). Along with that the financial pressures of payng a mortgage and just everyday living, mean I work a few days a month. It is expected that I will return to work - the questions are never if, but when. In some ways those few days of work are great as I get out of the house by myself knowing Hannah is being looked after by her dad (which in turn is good for them), and I get to be the me I used to be pre-kids, but really I like the mum version of me better.

I really love doing all the fun things like play dates and music every week, and now that Hannah is older and starting to play more with me she is lots more fun. But, it can be so incredibly boring day in day out - how many times can you read Hairy Maclary in one day?! I actually find its the overall running of the house that gets me down (the constant washing and cleaning etc) rather than actually being a mum.

Ways I try and stay ME are to do things with Hannah that I enjoy (at her level), like baking and craft activities. She goes to bed early at night so I have the whole evening from 6.30 to do non-kid stuff. The husband and I try to have a nice dinner and chat by ourselves after she has gone to bed once a week. We dance to MY music sometimes, not always kids songs. Before I was preggy this time I was playing badminton one night a week like I used to.

And last of all (that I can think of) is going to see other mums with kids cos at least then you know that everyone else is in the same boat!!

Sorry for a big long waffle but I've been thinking about this a lot lately...

Me, I, myself? Me do everything backwards- life should be backwards. Starting out as a rich old person & ending up as a baby helpless & unsuspecting
I keep it simple & just do what i gotta do, to the best that i know how. I have never been a Mother to a 2.75yr & a 3.2mnths old; my marvellous boys. And the boys have never been boys before..
So its all a big learning curve for all of us & a great opportunity to change, for the best, or for now anyway
Making yourself feel special is how i do it. LOL I love myself haha. Modest aye?

I love that you love yourself, Glow -- because I think that's sorely missing for a lot of mums. Mothers can spend so much time loving and nurturing everyone else that they forget about themselves totally. How do you other mums make sure to love yourself? Or, as Oprah would put it, how do you remember your spirit?

I do one thing for myself each day, which is having a soak in the bath, love it. If I didn't have a bath tub I would go out of my mind.

I have a very blokey kinda job, I'm an Electrician, so for me it has been nice to make friends with women and to talk about something other than fart jokes lol.
I really love being a SAHM but unfortunately for us we are in a position financially where I have no choice but to go back to work. In some ways I am looking forward to it but in many ways i'm not and would much rather be at home (for at least a little bit longer anyway).

I feel that I am able to retain a sense of self now that I have my evenings baby free, it gives me time to work on my hobby business, making jewellery, to spend time with DH, if he's not on lates, or to just blob out in front of the TV or spend all night on here

I find that staying in touch with friends and co workers is also a good way, I purposely try not to bore them with too much cooing over my baby and to to talk about all the things I had to talk about before having a baby.

I probably did, but now I'm writing an article so it's an official "ask"! Besides, there's a prize involved this time!

Edited by Katherine

busymum wrote: For me, it's not so much trying to hold on to the "me that was" but understanding that being a mother is now part of my identity

You know what, I've never thought of it that way. Makes a lot of sense.